How To Put Together Porch Furniture

Spring is here, and with that the obligation to do things outside and make property look acceptable to judging neighbors.

A few months back, I purchased a home in a family-friendly neighborhood. My previous home fronted a four-lane state highway and was a block away from the local hospital. This passed for landscape design:

amazingdecorIt set the perfect backdrop for the time my neighbor’s daughter decided to pour gasoline onto my driveway.

But now I must keep up with the Jones’ or the Smith’s or whatever their names may be, I’m not very neighborly. So I ordered wicker porch chairs from Target. This is how they arrived:

This does not look like a chair.

This does not look like a chair.

And this is how my amazing how-to on How To Put Together Porch Furniture came into being.

Step 1. Open box and dump out all the parts. Weep.

chairinpartsStep 2: Look for the directions.

"Helloooooooo??"

“Helloooooooo??”

Step 3. After much kicking of empty box, locate a miniscule box with the words “Important: don’t throw away” under a heap of chair parts.

Now, we're cooking.

Now, we’re cooking.

Step 4. Read step 1 of the directions:

instructions

*click to enlarge*

Step 5. Ask the directions if they are fucking with you.

*click to enlarge*

*click to enlarge*

Step 6. Stare with envy at neighbor across the street who seems perfectly content sitting in a folding chair on his front porch.

neighbor

Step 7. Attempt to stick pieces together into a chair-like shape.

I believe this is the bottom or at least it is now.

I believe this is the bottom or at least it is now.

Step 8. Make a pact with God.

Dear God,

If you help me figure this out, I will stop taking your name in vain while I assemble this clusterfuck of a chair.

Amen,

TOHTB

Step 9. Question the meaning of life when no help is provided. Go inside an open a bottle of wine.

Soon it will no longer matter what the chair looks like.

Soon it will no longer matter what the chair looks like.

Step 10. Figure now is the perfect time to let Target know what you think if its product.

emailtotarget

Step 11. Dicker around some more and eventually get to this somehow.

I am a fucking chair genius!

I am a fucking chair genius!

Step 12: Revel in your amazingness and then notice the second box.

For fuck's sake.

For fuck’s sake.

______________________________________________________________________

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48 thoughts on “How To Put Together Porch Furniture

  1. Hilarious! I had to put together a bbq grill the other day. It was an 8 beer project and my 4 year old can now use sonofabitch in proper context, but that baby is up and cooking!

  2. My husband puts together most of our stuff, but he never reads directions and there are always a few parts left. “They just give you extra parts” he says. I’m not sure I believe him. One of these days I’m going to fall on my butt I just know it.

  3. Thanks for the laugh this morning, ha. This rang especially and hilariously true to me:

    “Spring is here, and with that the obligation to do things outside and make property look acceptable to judging neighbors.”

  4. I’m impressed with your toolbelt gene. Mine is a bit deficient. When I last tried to assemble something, a small table from Pottery Barn, it first came out looking a lot like Guernica.

  5. Hahaha don’t throw stuff at me through your computer, but I love putting furniture together!! Honestly, I wish I could have a job at IKEA just assembling shit. But I’m glad you got it together with the help of wine and swear words.

    • Do they have jobs at IKEA for assembling furniture? I thought the lack of assemblage is why I’m always having to put together any piece of furniture I purchase.

  6. My bargaining with God goes something like, “I swear to you that if you don’t help me I’ll eat communion wafers for breakfast and drink wine before it has been blessed.”

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