How To Put Together Porch Furniture

Spring is here, and with that the obligation to do things outside and make property look acceptable to judging neighbors.

A few months back, I purchased a home in a family-friendly neighborhood. My previous home fronted a four-lane state highway and was a block away from the local hospital. This passed for landscape design:

amazingdecorIt set the perfect backdrop for the time my neighbor’s daughter decided to pour gasoline onto my driveway.

But now I must keep up with the Jones’ or the Smith’s or whatever their names may be, I’m not very neighborly. So I ordered wicker porch chairs from Target. This is how they arrived:

This does not look like a chair.

This does not look like a chair.

And this is how my amazing how-to on How To Put Together Porch Furniture came into being.

Step 1. Open box and dump out all the parts. Weep.

chairinpartsStep 2: Look for the directions.

"Helloooooooo??"

“Helloooooooo??”

Step 3. After much kicking of empty box, locate a miniscule box with the words “Important: don’t throw away” under a heap of chair parts.

Now, we're cooking.

Now, we’re cooking.

Step 4. Read step 1 of the directions:

instructions

*click to enlarge*

Step 5. Ask the directions if they are fucking with you.

*click to enlarge*

*click to enlarge*

Step 6. Stare with envy at neighbor across the street who seems perfectly content sitting in a folding chair on his front porch.

neighbor

Step 7. Attempt to stick pieces together into a chair-like shape.

I believe this is the bottom or at least it is now.

I believe this is the bottom or at least it is now.

Step 8. Make a pact with God.

Dear God,

If you help me figure this out, I will stop taking your name in vain while I assemble this clusterfuck of a chair.

Amen,

TOHTB

Step 9. Question the meaning of life when no help is provided. Go inside an open a bottle of wine.

Soon it will no longer matter what the chair looks like.

Soon it will no longer matter what the chair looks like.

Step 10. Figure now is the perfect time to let Target know what you think if its product.

emailtotarget

Step 11. Dicker around some more and eventually get to this somehow.

I am a fucking chair genius!

I am a fucking chair genius!

Step 12: Revel in your amazingness and then notice the second box.

For fuck's sake.

For fuck’s sake.

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How to Fold a Fitted Sheet

This may seem like an insurmountable feat along the same lines as making a soufflé or listening to someone talk sincerely about Kimye’s relationship. But it can be done, if you follow these official how-to steps.

Step 1: Begin with a fitted sheet. This may seem obvious, but many times the act of folding a fitted sheet is derailed because one is actually trying to fold a McFish Bite™.

Step 2: Take the two lower corners and bring them together. Don’t be discouraged by the fact that fitted sheets do not have corners. It should look like this:

lowercorner

Step 3 : Then take the two upper corners and mash them around a bit. It should look like this:

uppercorners

Step 4: Kick at it for a little bit. Let it know who’s the boss. Tony Danza obvs.

footkicking

Step 5: Okay so that didn’t work. Punch a wall. Seriously. It will make you feel better. Now start over.

Step 6: This time fold one upper corner and one lower corner. How do you know which one is which? That is a really good question.

Step 7: Just keep folding until it looks less like a mushroom cap and more like a wrinkled pantsuit.

secondattempt

Step 8: Flatten it with a heavy book.

book

Step 9: Remove the book.

Step 10: Stuff the wadded mess underneath a pile of other sheets in the deep recesses of your closet.

Ta-da.

Ta-da.

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