How To Have a Successful First Date

Your audition tape for The Bachelorette was rejected so now you must meet someone on your own and engage in an activity not pre-planned by television producers. That can be tricky. Our fast-paced, screened-in, text-messaging society can leave one’s real social interactions skills a bit rusty. You may be wondering: Do I make eye contact? Should I live-tweet this date? Is ‘gyro’ pronounced ‘gy-row’ or ‘hero’? This is why I am here to help. By virtue of possessing a vagina, I know all things all other vagina-possessing people view as dating do’s and don’ts.

1. Don’t mention how your other ex-girlfriends have been murdered. This may seem obvious, but I actually overheard a man say this to a woman on what was likely their one and only date. Even if you finish the thought with: “I hope things work out differently with you,” you still have likely made your date feel slightly uncomfortable and fearful for her life. 

2. Do select a nice venue. A picnic at the local landfill may not carry the same scent of romance as a picnic in the park. Other venues to avoid: Cock and/or dog-fighting arenas, Walmart, McDonald’s play palaces, slaughterhouses, the embalming room at funeral homes, sewage treatment plants and Brooklyn-based King’s County Bar on July 20 when it is hosting “The Smallest Penis” contest.

3. Don’t broadcast the entire date on a multitude of social networking sites. You’re tweeting how your date has an entire corn kernal stuck in her front teeth #awkward; you’re instagramming your KFC double down; you’re updating your enigmatic Facebook status update to read “Corn-tastrophe”; you’re creating surveys in Survey Monkey asking friends to gauge your chance of an end-of-the-evening handjob; you’re updating your bowel temperature on every few minutes–you’re spending so much time on these activities that you have not spoken to your date in three hours, and KFC employees have asked you to leave so they can commence with cleaning out the grease trap #awkward. Stick with only one social network site so 35% of your attention can be on your date.

4. Do keep weeping to a minimum. I know Speaker John Boehner looks sexy as hell when he weeps because it’s a Tuesday, but it’s less sexy when you’re cryingly answering your date’s question about your employment or your thoughts on Dancing with the Stars.

5. Do ask about her interests. As sitcoms, commercials and movies have shown, women are objects that enjoy bright, shiny baubles. They love to talk about shoes, and they can barely contain their excitement around new and improved cleaning products. Do ask her about “woman things” like chocolate, yeast infections, and legitmate rape.


6. Don’t ask her to join your cult. It’s better to lull her in by breaking her spirit first.

7. Don’t read how-to posts on dating advice. The author likely knows very little and is just trying to meet a deadline.

49 thoughts on “How To Have a Successful First Date

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  2. I wasn’t even thinking about the social media potential when debating how quickly to divorce Peppermeister. I know this goes against your advice, but setting up an “#awkwardfirstdate” series might actually get me Tweeting.

  3. Hahah yes. So glad I don’t have to go on a date to a landfill. But I think the McDonald’s playplace one sounded fun….as long as I don’t have to actually eat any McDonald’s.

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  5. I have mixed feelings about your advice about not telling women about how they murdered their exes. I mean, if I know there’s a possibility that I too might be murdered, I want to make sure the guy has some game. If he’s lazy and just uses a gun, then I probably don’t want a second date. I don’t like guys who just phone it in.

  6. Now that I’ve trapped a man, and broken his spirit (because that’s what marriage does, according to every bromance movie I’ve seen), I feel pretty relaxed about the food in my teeth, eating dropped fries from my crotch while I drive, and weeping openly because, life.

    Keeping the romance ALIVE. Thanks for all the helpful advice, however, as I will be sure to pass it on to my spawn.

  7. Jeez, you got it all wrong. Example of correct method: 1. Where should you take your date? Answer: She must go where you go. 2. What should my date eat? Answer: Whatever you tell her to.

    Oh, wait, that was the Christian Grey / Republican politician dating guide. My bad.

  8. Vagina-owning first daters everywhere thank you for posting this valuable advice for the non-vaginae (not sure what the plural would be for that). I think the King’s County Bar gig would be OK as long as the invitor doesn’t place anywhere in the finals.
    I believe it’s year-o.

  9. Pingback: Praise Sunday: Super Deluxe Family Edition | I am a heathen.

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