How To Survive The Black Friday Shopping

AAAAAAAtttention, shooooppers!!!

Black Friday is upon us, shoppers!  Black Friday is war, Black Friday is hell, Black Friday is chills, thrills and occasional kills, and I, drill sergeant X, am here for the drills!  I am here to make lean, mean shopping machines out of your sorry just-browsing rookie asses!!

drill_sgt2

Did I say something funny?? DID I SAY SOMETHING FUNNY, SHOPPER?!?!? Drop and give me twenty!  Now you look at this twenty-bill very carefully, shopper!! Do you want to save those twenty dollars?  DO YOU???  Do you want to save twenty dollars AND LIVE, shopper?? Then shut up and listen to what I have to say, unless you want your dead body to be found covered with packing peanuts and stuffed in a cardboard refrigerator box marked for in-store pickup for your family’s convenience!!!

Anyone here who’s weak and doesn’t feel they’re up to the task?  Anyone here who’s having second thoughts??  Anyone here with heart conditions, who’s trample-intolerant, or allergic to stab wounds???  If you as much as had to think about it, I’m gonna give you 20 seconds to pack your stuff and crawl back home to your wussy Amazon shopping – and I do mean Amazon, because even eBay’s online auctions would pose too much danger for you, weaklings!

Now, those of you who stayed… at ease, shoppers. I see a few scarred faces of seasoned Black Friday veterans, but I see newbies, too. Why do you need to shop, you ask? You need to do this for your country, shoppers. You need to buy stuff to support the economy – Chinese economy, Indian economy, Indonesian economy, all the world economies!  The fate of the entire world hangs in balance on your shoulders, shoppers! Remember what President George Bush said after 9/11 – by going shopping is how we shall defeat the terrorists.

Why on Black Friday, you ask?  Because this is the day when you get the most bang for your buck!  You’ll spend a buck and you’ll get banged up so hard in the process that your mama won’t recognize you!  But you follow my cues, shoppers, and you just might live to see the daylight on Saturday!

Rule Number one! Do NOT go shopping on Black Friday!  Yes, you heard me right, shopper!  You take your positions AT LEAST a week before, otherwise you might as well drag your asses back to your basement and try your luck next year!  You take positions right here in line in front of the store, yes, right here at the front lines, and you take advantage of the high ground – so no lounging up in the parking lot, you get your asses all the way up on the sidewalk!

Rule Number Two! You’ll need provisions, you’ll need supplies, you’ll need rifles and shotguns. They don’t call it “hunting for bargain” for nothin’!  You’ll need a tent. What? You DON’T own a tent, shopper? This means that you gonna have to buy one this Black Friday, so you could pitch a tent for the next Black Friday! Add that to your shopping list – and I better see it tattooed on your ass, shopper! Take your cell phone with you so that you could call for reinforcements, and don’t forget the phone charger cord, because you never know when you may have to strangle somebody to move up one spot in the line!

Rule Number Three! No matter what, you DO NOT give up your position, shopper!  Not rain, not wind, not fire are to deter you from completing your mission!!! But what about Thanksgiving, you ask? What about family, turkey, cranberry sauce cylinders, you say? Forget about it, shopper. Do you realize that Thanksgiving Day is a made-up holiday, and was invented by professional Black Friday shoppers who wanted to weed out as much competition as possible! A day to get together with people you try to avoid 364 days a year, and to eat a bird-shaped blob of tasteless chewy paste, that you would never in your right mind order at a restaurant?  You call THAT a holiday, shopper???

Target Store in Springfield, Virginia. Image i...

Engage your Target, shoppers!

Rule Number Four!  Preparation is half the battle! Prior to BF-Day, scour the target store, familiarize yourself with the floor (getting a job at the store can help), map the shortest route to the shelf you need to get from the door, and practice, practice, practice some more! Do practice runs from the entrance to the target shelf at least ten times a day, and time yourself each time, until you are satisfied.  Then run, run, run again, until you can get from the entrance to the shelf, then to the checkout, then clear out to the parking lot in under 15 seconds wearing a blindfold!!!

And keep one final thing in mind, shoppers: on Black Friday, all people fall into two categories: cashiers and obstacles!

Are you ready, shoppers?? Are you ready to crush and trample your fellow man to save five bucks?? Are you ready to wreak havoc and devastation in your path when the store doors open at precisely oh-two-hundred hours?? ARE? YOU?? READY???

Three! Two! One!  ATTAAAAAAAAACK!!!!

Advertisements

How To Shop At Target

So you’ve decided you’re sick of Wal-Mart’s low, low prices and want to shift to something a little classier. “Target’s pretty cool, I want to shop there!” you say. Well, before you stroll on over to the local installment of the Best Company Ever, take a moment to learn how to have a truly Fast, Fun, and Friendly shopping experience!

1. Pick a good time

Plan your heaviest shopping for Sunday. If you aren’t running the danger of colliding with someone every three steps, you’re shopping wrong. Also, free samples! If you plan this carefully, you could probably get all three of your meals for the day by wandering through the grocery section. Just be sure to grab a new shirt from the clothing section every time so the employees – sorry, Team Members – don’t get suspicious.

2. Dress to impress

Before you head to the store, put on your favorite red shirt and khaki pants. Team members love it when guests try to fit in with the Target style! It shows that you’re a dedicated customer – argh, Guest – that just wants to fit in with the gang.

3. Safety first

Bring any and all small children you have access to. If possible, plan your shopping for when they should really be napping or something to maximize the likelihood of an outburst. If you get lost in the intimates section, it helps the search party a lot if they can hear shrieks coming from the jungle of lingerie.

4. Asking for help

If you can’t find what you’re looking for, try to be clever about asking where to look. Getting polite, straightforward questions all day can get boring for team members. Mix it up! You’ll brighten their day and subsequently, yours. Here are a few examples, starting with what not to ask:

  • “Excuse me, where are the edible underpants?”
  • “Hi, can you tell me where I might find the industrial-strength breast pumps? These regular sets just won’t satisfy my needs.”

Instead, opt for something a little more strange. If you’re too polite, you’ll lose all semblance of your quirky uniqueness! Try something like the following:

  • “Where’s the bathroom at?”
  • “Porno section. Where is it?”
  • “If I was a toenail clipper, would I find myself right down yonder?”
  • [Awkward stare.] (This is especially effective. When a team member can’t figure out if you need help or not, it’s like a little game. You’re just helping them out with a little mental exercise. Fun!)
  • “Whurdalatbulbs.”
  • “Where’s your hunting section? Also, do you sell antidepressants?”

5. Stand your ground

The customer – geh, fukkin… Guest – is always right! If a team member tells you the store doesn’t carry an item any more, they’re probably being lazy and don’t want to look for it. If you bought it there last year, insist that they must still have them somewhere. You’ll get those discontinued insect repellent wipes eventually.

6. Alert others to better discounts

If you decide you’re just going to buy something at Wal-Mart, be sure to let a team member know. The louder, the better! Other customers – I swear to God… GUESTS – want to know where the best discounts are. You’ll save some fellow shoppers some money and let the team member know where to direct future guests looking for the same item.

6. Save time efficiently

If you decide you don’t want an item and you’re more than ten inches from its home location, find somewhere to discreetly tuck it away. D-cup bras are perfect for frozen chickens, but don’t use anything smaller. B-cups won’t support your discarded fowl properly and are more suited to small bags of chips.

7. Abandon your cart if necessary

You’re tough. You’re strong. You don’t need a cart. Why’d you bring it all the way to the back of the store? Just leave it there. You can carry everything, you hunk of testosterone, you.

8. Protect your image

If you drop something and break it, don’t tell anyone. That shame is not yours to bear. Besides, it’s extra fun for team members to come up with a backstory for any damaged item they find lying around the store. Where did the blue goo come from? Is it ectoplasm? Or do we have an alien spy among us?

9. Make small talk

Check lanes are awkward, but they’re a great chance to work on your comedy routine. If an item won’t scan, make some sort of crack about how it must be free. It’s funnier every time!

How To Put Together Porch Furniture

Spring is here, and with that the obligation to do things outside and make property look acceptable to judging neighbors.

A few months back, I purchased a home in a family-friendly neighborhood. My previous home fronted a four-lane state highway and was a block away from the local hospital. This passed for landscape design:

amazingdecorIt set the perfect backdrop for the time my neighbor’s daughter decided to pour gasoline onto my driveway.

But now I must keep up with the Jones’ or the Smith’s or whatever their names may be, I’m not very neighborly. So I ordered wicker porch chairs from Target. This is how they arrived:

This does not look like a chair.

This does not look like a chair.

And this is how my amazing how-to on How To Put Together Porch Furniture came into being.

Step 1. Open box and dump out all the parts. Weep.

chairinpartsStep 2: Look for the directions.

"Helloooooooo??"

“Helloooooooo??”

Step 3. After much kicking of empty box, locate a miniscule box with the words “Important: don’t throw away” under a heap of chair parts.

Now, we're cooking.

Now, we’re cooking.

Step 4. Read step 1 of the directions:

instructions

*click to enlarge*

Step 5. Ask the directions if they are fucking with you.

*click to enlarge*

*click to enlarge*

Step 6. Stare with envy at neighbor across the street who seems perfectly content sitting in a folding chair on his front porch.

neighbor

Step 7. Attempt to stick pieces together into a chair-like shape.

I believe this is the bottom or at least it is now.

I believe this is the bottom or at least it is now.

Step 8. Make a pact with God.

Dear God,

If you help me figure this out, I will stop taking your name in vain while I assemble this clusterfuck of a chair.

Amen,

TOHTB

Step 9. Question the meaning of life when no help is provided. Go inside an open a bottle of wine.

Soon it will no longer matter what the chair looks like.

Soon it will no longer matter what the chair looks like.

Step 10. Figure now is the perfect time to let Target know what you think if its product.

emailtotarget

Step 11. Dicker around some more and eventually get to this somehow.

I am a fucking chair genius!

I am a fucking chair genius!

Step 12: Revel in your amazingness and then notice the second box.

For fuck's sake.

For fuck’s sake.

______________________________________________________________________

The Official How To Blog is filmed before a live studio audience. If you wish to be a part of the show, drop us a line.