How to Compose the Greatest Tweet

Twitter is a huge deal. Without it, we would not know this:

parisinaneThink of all the wishes we would be missing out on when 11:11 happens twice a day, every day on Earth.

Twitter can be daunting considering all the tweets that are twitted out of twats every microsecond. That is, like, more than fifty. How can your tweet possibly compete?

tweet1I’m telling you, it can! By following these steps, you can generate a tweet that will reverberate throughout the Twittersphere for at least 30 seconds until you’re overshadowed by this:

rushtwitNow some people may argue that the need to share whatever thought your brain farts into your head is a colossal waste of time. That Twitter is a platform for narcissism, and leads us farther away from a life lived deliberately in the woods in some cabin without wi-fi.

I would say to them that a life lived deliberately is lame.

tweet2

1. It helps to be famous so try to get into movies or write some hit song or something. People tend to pay attention and retweet even the most inane tweets of celebrities.

celebritytweet2. If fame proves elusive, the next place to start is to see what’s trending. You’re more likely to get noticed if you are writing about the important issues of the microsecond.

trends3. Now that you’ve found your topic, it’s time to craft your tweet. You have only 140 characters to really wow the masses so you should write something really good. Don’t be discouraged if it takes you minutes or months to perfect the tweet. Keep in mind some people have obtained book deals from their twitty repartee.

awesometweet

If you find you cannot craft the perfect tweet, retweet someone else’s. Do not retweet this:

geraldo

4. If all else fails, be controversial. Why do you think Teresa Guidice is the highest paid cast member on The Real Housewives of New Jersey? 

sonotsexistThat one is actually real. Technology, I salute thee!

Now that you’re on the road to success, remember that you will have to do this every four to five seconds because that is the current shelf-life of the greatest tweet.

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Want to read more from Speaker7? Visit here. You can also follow Speaker7 on Twitter. She posts frequently between poops. 

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How to Have a Conversation

Texting has become the preferred form of communication. It initially was invented to facilitate conversation when face-to-face or the phone was not possible. But now when given the choice, most people would prefer to shoot a text than deal with the expressions that exist on people’s faces and the squawking sounds that emerge from saliva-ridden mouths. Ewww…gross. 😉

Occasionally you will find yourself in the presence of another living being and actually have to conduct a conversation in “real time.” 😯

This can be daunting. You may find yourself wondering how to express emotion without the assist of emoticons. You may find yourself worried that LOL is less powerful when said aloud. You may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife.

Don’t worry. Follow these steps and you will effortlessly sail through a conversation and then quickly return to your alloted 15 hours with your mobile device. 😀

1. Your natural instinct will be to answer the person’s questions through text.

conversationThis is a common mistake. The trick to having an actual conversation is to use your human body parts like your mouth, eyes and hands. Your lungs will supply the air that you need to get your voice going so take a breath and test out the vocal folds in your throat. Don’t get tense if you first sound like this “Unngghhhhhh????” You will get better with practice. Your eyes are necessary for looking at the other person. You can actually see how the person is responding to the sounds you are emitting. This way you can adjust your sounds if the person is making an expression like this: 😡

2. Practice beforehand. Try to use actual words rather than abbreviations when you are texting.

practice

3. While it may be taxing, you will need to respond to the person rather quickly since you are conducting a conversation in “real time.” You may be compelled to compulsively check Facebook to see if anyone has sent you life on Candy Crush Saga, but this type of behavior will disrupt the natural flow and rhythm of the real-time conversation. To avoid this, you should put your phone away. I see that you just set it off to the side, but you’re still looking at it. Put it out of sight. You just moved it a quarter of an inch. Put it where you cannot see it all. Okay, that’s better. . . why are you shaking?

4. Do not live-tweet or blog the converation while it’s happening. How do you tell someone she has arugula in her teeth? #awkward. That might make the person uncomfortable. Attempt to put all your attention on the other person and listen to the sounds squawking out of her saliva-ridden mouth. This will help you when formulating your response.

talking5. Don’t feel nervous if there are lulls in the conversation. There will be lulls because no one has any idea how to conduct face-to-face conversations anymore. Whatever you do, do not take a dick pic and text it to the person. You may think this will give you something to talk about, but no one in the world wants to see your penis.

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Want to read more from Speaker7? Visit here. No dick pics, please. 

How To Entertain Bored and Annoying Kids

bored, tired, summer, children, kids

Only two and a half more months til school starts.

In most areas, the long, hot summer is in full swing. Among the tweeting of the birds and the hum of lawnmowers is the distinctive whine of bored kids. Moaning and groaning about being tired of their expensive gaming systems, wall-sized entertainment centers complete with every channel known to mankind, and the multitude of social networking sites on their mobile devices.

As with many families these days, the household budget is probably stretched tighter than a thong on a hippo. So here are a few free and educational summer activities to encourage the future leaders of our country to use their minds and expand their horizons.

1. Stack Rocks

Stacking rocks, also called Rock Balancing, can be educational as well as entertaining. It teaches patience, balance, innovation and art. No special skills or supplies are needed. Just turn the little buggers loose in the back yard with a pile of rocks and tell them not to come in until all the rocks are stacked. You’ll be able to make it through a whole TV program without interruption. Choosing rounded rocks will increase the difficulty level and provide sadistic entertainment for parents watching from the comfort of a cool, air-conditioned house. Once the little darlings have mastered rock stacking, give them a bundle of sticks and have them work on stacking sticks.

2. Throw Rocks

After the kiddos have gone stark raving mad stacking rocks, find two barrels (or other suitable and durable containers) and place them approximately ten feet apart. Have the kids throw the rocks into one barrel. After all the rocks have been thrown into the first barrel, have them stand next to the full barrel and take turns throwing the rocks into the empty barrel ten feet away. Make sure there is nothing breakable anywhere nearby, odds are, it will get hit. After all the rocks have been thrown, have them pick up the rocks that didn’t make it into the barrel. Repeat until the sun goes down and it’s time to come in for dinner. This activity teaches hand and eye coordination, sharing, as well as developing muscle tone and balance.

3. Roadkill

Kids are fascinated by nature and wildlife. Forget the cutesy petting farms, nothing beats getting up close and personal with critters like playing with road kill. It allows them to examine animals without the danger of being bitten or contracting rabies, unless they stumble upon zombie road kill. To explore the ins and outs of the dearly departed creature, have the kids locate various sized sticks; this will enable them to push, open or turn over the roadkill and observe the squished side of the recently deceased animal. Some parents may prefer to supply their little future medical examiners with surgical gloves to keep their tiny mitts clean. Make sure to warn them not to eat any road kill they might find until it’s been properly prepared and cooked by an experienced road kill café chef.

4. Sprinkler

Running through the sprinkler can provide hours of entertainment for little Timmy and his sister Becky. They will learn about irrigation as the water nourishes the grass. Just make sure that the little Future Farmers of America move the sprinkler around the lawn to ensure even watering and avoid creating mud holes. If the children are provided with a bar of soap, this activity will double as a lesson in hygiene. Be sure to that the bar of soap is biodegradable and environmentally friendly. To keep the yard and the children insect free, use citronella soap. Plan this activity a day or two before hosting a BBQ and the party will be mosquito free. Allow time for the water to be absorbed into the lawn before holding the shindig.

5. Playing in Traffic

Playing in Traffic is an activity for the older children and teaches coordination, endurance, communication, and fearlessness. This game is especially beneficial for wimpy, scaredy cats. To begin, have the children stand facing each other from opposite sides of the road. Once a vehicle approaches, have them call out “CAR!” and run towards each other, ending up on the other side of the road from where they began. If they master this, encourage them to throw a ball out into the road in front of the vehicle before they begin their run towards each other. Bonus points are awarded if they make it through without bodily injuries or a trip to the hospital. This activity is not for the faint of heart. Safety equipment such as helmets, knee pads, and Kevlar armor are optional but highly recommended. To increase the difficulty level, have the amateur daredevils ride bicycles during this stunt.

6. Bugs

Insects are found on almost every continent on this big, fascinating planet. The little bugs outnumber humans a gazillion to one. And they come in a rainbow of colors and more shapes and sizes than Hollywood could make up in a low budget sci-fi movie. By collecting creepy-crawlies, your little mad scientist can investigate the boundaries of life and death. Some insects are more resilient to torturous stress tests than others. Ants are notorious for burning much faster than, say, a scorpion under the high intensity sunlight beam emanating from a well angled magnifying glass. Placing a variety of insects in an enclosed container demonstrates overcoming adversity and the survival of the fittest.  Truly a valuable lifelong lesson that they can benefit from as they leave the safety of home and school to battle it out in the dog-eat-dog world of Corporate America.

Don’t Let Them Lose Their Minds

Summer is often considered an anti-learning time for children as they lose a small percentage of what they gleaned during the school year and have to be re-taught the next school year. Prevent stagnant brains by encouraging children to unplug and get outside to explore their world. And it will cut down on the electric bill from having all those energy sucking gadgets and gizmos running non-stop all day. It’s a win-win for everyone. Heck, they might even pick up a new healthy hobby.

How To Not Get Hired

I love the work I do, I love my boss, and I love that I am not the boss.

nowhereAll that love puts me in the tiniest minority of people in the history of the world. As far as I know, it’s just me and some guy in Nowhere, Oklahoma, who lives for grilled cheese sandwiches and works at a bread factory that his best friend owns.

The only part of my job I don’t like involves hiring co-workers.  You see, over the years, I’ve noticed a tendency for people to interview for jobs they don’t want.

Of course, they’re never so obvious as to just say “I don’t want this job.” Nor do they take the path most traveled and simply not apply.  No, these people devise clever stratagems that must take nights of planning.

After years of researching the best of the best in this particular field, I’ve created a comprehensive guide to help those with the same mission.  For those of you actively applying for jobs you don’t want, I hope these 8 Reminders lead to the pathway to all your life’s desires.

8 Easy Ways to Not Get a Job

You know what they say about the mice, men, and best-laid plans.  You planned to not get this job while applying, but this office or store is obviously desperate for help. They reviewed your half-completed application and typo-ridden résumé, and still decided invited you in for an interview.

Here’s how to take this crazy bull by the horns and keep from getting hired.

1. Show Up Late

This is important. Nothing suggests a total disregard for the people waiting for you like showing up 10 minutes late. Don’t let it go with a simple apology, either– no, explain it with a story that takes another 10 minutes to tell. The more mundane your story, the better– consider the one about how you lost your keys and looked everywhere. Be specific. Did you check the fridge?  Was it by the lettuce or cheese?  Where did you buy the lettuce?

2. Hesitate Awkwardly Over Security and Safety Questions

When the interviewer jovially asks, “Do you get along well with others? No fist-fights with co-workers, etc, haha!”, do not make eye contact. Wait a good 3 minutes and then answer, “Yes.”

Do not explain.

3. Talk About Poop

poopA lot.

In fact, if you can find some way to integrate poop into every question you answer, then consider yourself a success.

You can explain it however you choose. Tell that story again about how you’re a parent returning to the workforce and that poop has become the cornerstone of your existence. The reason is really just for you, since any poop talk will move you to the bottom of the stack.

You might as well be creative!

4.  Keep your Phone On and Take All Calls

Answer the phone on the first ring without explaining and put your finger over your mouth to keep that noisy interviewer from interrupting. After the call is over, go into extreme detail about the person who called and what their call means to you. If you’ve ever had sex with that person, include that information.

5. Dress Down

Select your interview outfit from any combination of the following clothing items: sweat pants (preferably neon-colored), mumus, overalls with biblical verses embroided, blue jeans with holes, and Che Guevara t-shirts. Do not wear shoes! This is an interview, not the opera!

6. Provide False or Bad References

Do you remember that guy you beat up in the 5th grade? Give his number. You know the neighbors you keep up all night with your rabble-rousing and drug-dealing? Give their number, too.

Also, always remember to include the President of the United States and other important people for whom you did not work.

7. Push

If you have a feeling the interviewer is enjoying your company too much, emphasize your sentences by pushing them. Use both hands.

8.  Lie

Tell them that story about how someone tried to rob the mall store where you worked. Be sure to explain how you jumped over the counter, ran down two flights of stairs, and finally beat up that crook at the bottom of an escalator to your favorite Bon Jovi song. Punctuate the story with sound effects, punching demonstrations, and by singing Eye of the Tiger at full volume. Bon Jovi didn’t sing Eye of the Tiger, but that’s alright.  Just insist he did.

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That’s the best of the best, friends.

I hope it saves you from the pesky jobs that you apply for, interview for, and never wanted in the first place!

Do you have any tips to add to the list? Please share!

How To Celebrate The Fourth Of July

Fireworks on the beach on the Fourth of July. ...

This looks very safe. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Many of you are well aware that Fourth of July is the American Independence day.  If you were ever unsure how exactly to celebrate it, here are a few helpful hints.

First of all, the celebration consists of four important parts, namely American flags, grilling food, drinking alcohol and fireworks.  While some of those parts seem unrelated to the history of American independence, all off these elements actually have deep connections to the American Revolutionary War.

Let’s start with the flag. Make sure to buy a lowest-quality American flag made in China. This may feel slightly unpatriotic, but in a few hours, when the flag falls apart and you have to sew it back together, you will feel exactly like Betsy Ross.

Drink a lot (like A LOT) of beer to celebrate the holiday. If you know your history, you should remember that the colonists threw out boxes of tea into the Boston Harbor, protesting when the British King tried to make the colonists drink tea instead of beer.

If Samuel Adams beer is sold in your region, drink that brand to honor one of the Founding Fathers. However, if you plan to drive, please remember that the legal founding father level in your blood should be below 0.05% to 0.1%, depending on the state where you live.

Of course, it’s much better to not to drink and drive. However, should you run out of beer mid-party, it’s still legal to send horseback rider to gallop through the dark streets and roads to that liquor store that’s always open late. Then keep an eye out for the lone rider, approaching your party while yelling “Beer is coming, beer is coming!”. This ride will be forever known as “the Re-beer ride”.

Still, try not to drink too much.  You know you drank too much beer, if by the dawn’s early light you wake up to find yourself crossing the Delaware river in somebody’s boat.

If you are too young to drink beer, it’s perfectly ok to drink tea. Yes, it’s still a patriotic thing to do, because when you are dropping the teabag into the water, you are creating a miniature re-enactment of the Boston Tea Party in your tea cup.

Grill plenty of burgers. Remember, those burgers sacrificed their lives for your freedom to eat them.

End the celebration with fireworks.  Buy plenty of fireworks and break laws if you have to.  Remember, it’s a proud American tradition to break state laws to buy the fireworks, because, seriously, what’s the point of having freedom if you aren’t free to buy fireworks to celebrate your freedom?

Invite your friends to watch your fireworks. Set off the fireworks when you see the whites of their eyes. Call the ambulance if you still see the whites of their eyes 20 minutes after setting off the fireworks.

Have a safe and fun Independence Day!

P.S. It’s totally up to you whether to invite your British friends.