How To Have a Successful First Date

Your audition tape for The Bachelorette was rejected so now you must meet someone on your own and engage in an activity not pre-planned by television producers. That can be tricky. Our fast-paced, screened-in, text-messaging society can leave one’s real social interactions skills a bit rusty. You may be wondering: Do I make eye contact? Should I live-tweet this date? Is ‘gyro’ pronounced ‘gy-row’ or ‘hero’? This is why I am here to help. By virtue of possessing a vagina, I know all things all other vagina-possessing people view as dating do’s and don’ts.

1. Don’t mention how your other ex-girlfriends have been murdered. This may seem obvious, but I actually overheard a man say this to a woman on what was likely their one and only date. Even if you finish the thought with: “I hope things work out differently with you,” you still have likely made your date feel slightly uncomfortable and fearful for her life. 

2. Do select a nice venue. A picnic at the local landfill may not carry the same scent of romance as a picnic in the park. Other venues to avoid: Cock and/or dog-fighting arenas, Walmart, McDonald’s play palaces, slaughterhouses, the embalming room at funeral homes, sewage treatment plants and Brooklyn-based King’s County Bar on July 20 when it is hosting “The Smallest Penis” contest.

3. Don’t broadcast the entire date on a multitude of social networking sites. You’re tweeting how your date has an entire corn kernal stuck in her front teeth #awkward; you’re instagramming your KFC double down; you’re updating your enigmatic Facebook status update to read “Corn-tastrophe”; you’re creating surveys in Survey Monkey asking friends to gauge your chance of an end-of-the-evening handjob; you’re updating your bowel temperature on assheat.com every few minutes–you’re spending so much time on these activities that you have not spoken to your date in three hours, and KFC employees have asked you to leave so they can commence with cleaning out the grease trap #awkward. Stick with only one social network site so 35% of your attention can be on your date.

4. Do keep weeping to a minimum. I know Speaker John Boehner looks sexy as hell when he weeps because it’s a Tuesday, but it’s less sexy when you’re cryingly answering your date’s question about your employment or your thoughts on Dancing with the Stars.

5. Do ask about her interests. As sitcoms, commercials and movies have shown, women are objects that enjoy bright, shiny baubles. They love to talk about shoes, and they can barely contain their excitement around new and improved cleaning products. Do ask her about “woman things” like chocolate, yeast infections, and legitmate rape.

6. Don’t ask her to join your cult. It’s better to lull her in by breaking her spirit first.

7. Don’t read how-to posts on dating advice. The author likely knows very little and is just trying to meet a deadline.

How To Put Together Porch Furniture

Spring is here, and with that the obligation to do things outside and make property look acceptable to judging neighbors.

A few months back, I purchased a home in a family-friendly neighborhood. My previous home fronted a four-lane state highway and was a block away from the local hospital. This passed for landscape design:

It set the perfect backdrop for the time my neighbor’s daughter decided to pour gasoline onto my driveway.

But now I must keep up with the Jones’ or the Smith’s or whatever their names may be, I’m not very neighborly. So I ordered wicker porch chairs from Target. This is how they arrived:

This does not look like a chair.

And this is how my amazing how-to on How To Put Together Porch Furniture came into being.

Step 1. Open box and dump out all the parts. Weep.

Step 2: Look for the directions.

“Helloooooooo??”

Step 3. After much kicking of empty box, locate a miniscule box with the words “Important: don’t throw away” under a heap of chair parts.

Now, we’re cooking.

Step 4. Read step 1 of the directions:

*click to enlarge*

Step 5. Ask the directions if they are fucking with you.

*click to enlarge*

Step 6. Stare with envy at neighbor across the street who seems perfectly content sitting in a folding chair on his front porch.

Step 7. Attempt to stick pieces together into a chair-like shape.

I believe this is the bottom or at least it is now.

Step 8. Make a pact with God.

Dear God,

If you help me figure this out, I will stop taking your name in vain while I assemble this clusterfuck of a chair.

Amen,

TOHTB

Step 9. Question the meaning of life when no help is provided. Go inside an open a bottle of wine.

Soon it will no longer matter what the chair looks like.

Step 10. Figure now is the perfect time to let Target know what you think if its product.

Step 11. Dicker around some more and eventually get to this somehow.

I am a fucking chair genius!

Step 12: Revel in your amazingness and then notice the second box.

For fuck’s sake.

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How to Overcome Writer’s Block

Writer’s block is an affliction that affects most writers. Writers who say they never suffer from writer’s block should be pelted with raw hamburger meat and thrown into an alligator pit. When it hits, you can feel anxious, and despair that you will never write anything again. But there are ways to overcome it without sacrificing your sanity in the process. Just follow these helpful steps:

1. Clear your head. Disconnect from all electronic devices. If you weren’t aware, the Internet is an extremely powerful distraction tool. Why, just when I was writing the previous sentence, I posted three status updates to Facebook, tweeted my 30-second trick to reduce belly fat, and watched a drunk kitten video on youtube. So what are we talking about? Um….

2. Oh, right! Writer’s block. Yes, so clear your head and disconnect from all electronic—just a sec…I’m getting a text…. “Wednesday, more like Wineday amirite, ladies” oh my god, I’m totally LOLing right now. I’m LOLing so much I’m PALOLing. That stands for Peeing And Laughing Out Loud. What should I write back? Fuck! That’s right I have writer’s block. . . I’ve got nothing. If only there was some way to overcome writer’s block. . .

3. Did you know happyplace.com does these “If Game of Thrones Took Place on Facebook” recaps? They are awesome. And a quick read…wait! I’ve been on the internet for 10 hours?!? What day is it? Is it still Wineday?

4. Okay…okay. We are totally focusing right now and by “We” I mean, me and that marble that keeps rolling around inside my head. It is very distracting. Before I continue with the steps, I’m going to quickly hop onto medlineplus.com, type in my symptoms and diagnose myself with cancer. Hm…it turns out I have writer’s block. If only there was some way to overcome writer’s block. . .

5. I should eat something. I’ve had six cups of coffee in the last 30 seconds and just did the cinnamon stick challenge–a tweak of the dangerous cinnamon challenge–for a youtube video. I’m a little jumpy, and why the fuck has no one liked my status update on Facebook?!? I guess no one wants world hunger to end. That’s on you “friend.” People are so fucking selfish. Repost if you agree.

6. What is this list?

7. I actually went back and reread what I wrote to figure out what I’m writing. It took three hours because I had to help a “friend” harvest her goddamn tomatoes on her fake, fucking FarmVille farm. So, writer’s block . . . there are ways to overcome it. The first thing you should do is disconnect from all distractions like phones and computers–wait a sec. . . How could the tomatoes have died?!?!?!?

8. I’ll finish this later…Dance Moms is on.

How To Write a Rap Song: A Gift for Bad Mothas

To all of the bad Mothas out there, please accept a Mother’s Day gift that keeps on giving: the key ingredients to write an amazing rap song. When you rake in millions for your ghetto fabulous track, I ask that you please send me 35% of your earnings.

How to Write a Rap Song

1. Establish yourself: You must, and I repeat MUST, yell out your area code between 4-6 times throughout your song. If you don’t, people won’t know where you’re from. Helpful hint: if you hail from a small suburb, use the big city’s area code instead. Street cred is everything.

2. Brand yourself: Once you’ve recorded one song, thereby establishing yourself, begin referring to yourself by nickname only. “Ursher, baby!” “It’s Weezie!” “HOVA!” Additionally, it’s important to have a gesture or sign to accompany the name.

Jay-Z throws up his “Hova” sign, as does the large man in the background. Contrary to popular belief, Jay-Z is not a Geometry teacher with an affinity for the triangle.

3. Announce yourself: Insert a distinct mating call as part of your lyrics. If you really want to compete in today’s rap game, you’ve got to stand out. The easiest way to do this is to yell out something incoherent. I have no idea what Pitbull is yelling in every. one. of his songs, but it sounds a lot like “dolly.” For some reason, I don’t think that’s what he’s saying, but he has a lot of money, so let’s go with it.

4. Rhyme party with Bacardi: It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about, just throw these two words together and you’ve got yourself a platinum album.

5. Opposites attract: Depending on the level of your bad ass-ness, you’ll want to collaborate with someone who is a stark contrast to you. If you’re a Will Smith kind of rapper (i.e.: you will drop eff-bombs in your movies, but not on your albums), you’re gonna wanna go ahead and grab Lil’ Wayne. If he’s still alive. Is he alive? Anyway, if you’re more Eminem-esque, (i.e.: every other word out of your mouth is one that would make your grandmother cry), try hooking up with someone like Carrie Underwood. The lyrics will sound something like this:

Carrie: Reach for the moon/ Even if you miss, you’ll land among a pick-up truck I bashed in with a baseball bat.

Eminem: I’ll set dat bitch on fire/ You’ll find her in my mother f*ckin trunk/ I’ll do it ‘cuz I love ma daughters.

The duo is so crazy that it will work; white kids everywhere will love it.

6. Brag: Buy a push-button car, expensive clothes, or black diamonds and rap about them. A lot. And then remind all of the other poor, struggling rappers that they’re nothing until they’ve got gold in their mouth and chains on their neck. This may incite a string of thefts, but it’s in the name of music rap.

7. Get poetic: Figurative language goes a long way. 50 Cent gets it: “I love you like a fat kid loves cake.” What’s up now, Emerson? Rapper Drake prefers the metaphorical route: “the game needs change and I’m the cashier.” Can you get with this, Whitman?

8. Come up from nothing: If you’re middle-class, attended school on a regular basis, and/or volunteered in the neighborhood watch, you are not eligible for come-uppance.

9. Hate someone or something: The police, the president, me–just focus your intense hatred on something and throw it into every song.

10. Fake it: If you can’t come up with a title, a track, a hook–whatever, just steal it. In the music community, this is called “sampling.” In the creative community, this is called a “cop-out.” Either way, it pays trillions.

Happy rapping, bitchez.

How To Determine Your Optimal Daily Caffeine Intake

Are you drinking the right amount of coffee? Too much, and you’re a jittery mess; too little, and you’re shuffling through life like a zombie. It’s hard to find the right balance — or at least it has been. I’m happy to announce that after years of research and experimentation, I’ve perfected a simple calibration process that almost anyone can use to figure out exactly how many cups of coffee they should be drinking each day. So grab a pen and paper and let’s get started!

Step 1. Establish a baseline.

On a blank sheet of paper, write your age, height, weight, and the number of cups of coffee that you currently drink per day. Now look at what you’ve written:

• If the numbers are more or less legible but kind of trail off at the end, then you probably started to doze off as you were writing them. Increase your coffee consumption by one cup per day. Repeat this step until you consistently produce crisp, clear numbers.
• If all you see is an illegible tangle of jagged lines, you’re probably drinking too much coffee. Decrease your consumption by one cup per day until you can produce recognizable numbers (or, alternatively, keep drinking the same amount and get a job as a CAPTCHA image creator).
• If you can read the numbers easily, proceed to step 2.

Step 2. Make adjustments based on your sleep patterns.

Think about what it’s like to wake up on a typical weekday:

• Increase your daily coffee consumption by one cup for every five minutes that you spend in bed after your alarm goes off. For example, if you set your alarm for 6:00 and drag yourself out of bed at 6:22, you need to drink four additional cups of coffee each day.
• If you had trouble performing that last calculation, increase your coffee consumption by an additional one cup per day.
• If you don’t use an alarm clock, but instead wake up naturally each morning feeling fully rested and refreshed, go away. I hate you.

Step 3. Safety first (or, technically, third) — take your driving habits into account.

If you don’t drive, skip this step and proceed to step 4. Otherwise, think about the last time you were in an accident or near-miss for which you were at least partially responsible.

• If the incident was caused by irritation, impatience, or road rage, decrease your coffee consumption by one cup per day.
• If the incident was caused by inattention, sleepiness, or lack of focus, increase your coffee consumption by one cup per day.
• If you don’t believe you’ve ever, in your entire life, made any driving mistakes, then you’re probably not paying attention. Increase your coffee consumption by two cups per day.

Step 4. Reality check — how is coffee affecting your finances?

Now that you’ve completed steps 1-3, you have a good idea of how much coffee you should be drinking. But can you afford it? Most personal finance experts agree that as a general rule, you should spend no more than 20% of your gross income on coffee. If you think you can’t afford your recommended daily amount of coffee, don’t make the mistake of drinking less! Instead, try some of these cost-cutting strategies:

• Make coffee at home instead of buying it in coffee shops.
• Buy coffee in bulk and/or buy a cheaper brand.
• Drink free coffee at work. Bring a thermos or two and take some home.
• If your office doesn’t provide free coffee, quit and get a job somewhere that does. Or just find a company with free coffee and pretend you work there. Don’t forget to bring your own mug (and, of course, a thermos).
• Car dealerships provide free coffee to customers awaiting repairs. Walk in through the door that leads to the parts department, then veer off towards the area where they sell accessories. Wander around this section, stopping every so often to pick up a coffee mug or keychain, look at it, and put it down. After a few minutes of this, you’ll look like someone who’s been waiting far too long for their car to be repaired; no one will question you if you help yourself to some coffee. Try not to visit the same dealership more than once every couple weeks.
• Coffee grounds can be reused (you can substitute 2 tablespoons of used grounds for 1 tablespoon of fresh). Starbucks and other major coffee chains give away used grounds for free for use in compost, but they never actually check that you have a compost heap. Note: digging through other people’s compost heaps in search of coffee grounds is not recommended.

I hope you’ve found this advice helpful. I’ll leave you with these words of wisdom from the National Coffee Association:

Coffee is the calm moment that lets you think. Coffee gives you the time to dream it; then you’re ready to do it. No other drink does that like coffee.

How to Write The Greatest How-To Post

This post was originally published on Speaker7 last May, and since I’m all about the earth, I am recycling it. 

People want to know things. Simply typing “How to” into Google generates interesting queries like “How to make head cheese,” “How to last longer in bed” and “How to breed a rainbow dragon.” Interestingly no one has created the query “how to teach a rainbow dragon to make head cheese while lasting longer in bed.” That doesn’t mean they don’t want to know.

In fact, I would like to know…er…I mean, my friend Friend, no, not Friend. . .uh. . . Plate, Plate Fork, would like to know. If anyone has any idea how to make that work, please write a how-to post on it. You will learn how to make it the greatest after reading this.

So how do you write the greatest how-to post? It’s surprisingly easy! Just follow these steps:

1.  Place your fingers on the home row of your keyboard. Type “How To. . .” except don’t use ellipses, fill it in with something like How To Smell a Wine Cork Without Looking Like an Idiot or How To Wrestle in Jello Without Getting Diabetes.
2. Brine the pig head overnight.
3. Go to sleep. Do not stay up and watch the Ab Rocket Twister infomercial. I can go from flab to fab in just five minutes? I might need to stay up. No, no, I should go to sleep.
4. Wake up. Drain and rinse the pig head. Place the head into a big pot, fill with chicken stock. Log onto your blog. Type something under your How To. . . headline. You didn’t change the ellipses yet? Change the ellipses into something like How To Change Ellipses into Words. Okay now write something underneath it. It should be something amazing.
5. Skim the fat as needed. After a few hours, pick off the edible meat from the tongue, nose and ears. Cover it with plastic wrap.
6. Throw up quietly into a bucket.
7. Mix the meat with parsley and other flavorings like MSG and barf.
8. Go back into your blog, write something even more amazing than the last thing you wrote. Like, make it super amazing.
9. Cover and refrigerate overnight.
10. Go to sleep. Don’t stay up to watch Blue-Eyed Butcher on Lifetime.
11. Remove the plastic wrap and serve with pickles.

If you followed all the steps, your greatest how-to post should look like this:

source: Wikipedia

Whatever you do, do not eat this.