How to entertain yourself on an airplane.

I’ve have spend a few hours on an airplane. If “few” could be defined as more than a 1000. When the US Banks did their big-bail out in 2008, it dumped the world into a recession, BUT it also bumped my Business class privileges to Cattle class levels. We all know that sitting in a chair for eight hours becomes a bit tedious as there are only SO much one can do on a plane. And then you might even end up in an old model WITHOUT a screen on the seat in front of you!!

For those who want to live on the wild side I’ve taken the liberty of providing a list of things that will ensure your flight is extremely exciting. I have even ranked them for entertainment value and quick reference.

1. Wear a fat suit. It’s not that I have anything against fat people, but your average economy class seat has very specific, confined dimensions. Once your girth exceeds those dimensions, the result is an overspill of your skin/fat into the next seat. This excess body will rub and touch your fellow passenger for the duration of the flight. And if you’re really lucky you would have hit the jackpot with a middle seat. I rate this one a 7.

2. Get up mid-flight and inform the air hostess that the passenger on your left has a gun and is sweating anxiously. Tell her he has been mumbling some Arab prayer. Then stand back and watch a full-blown action movie unfold within seconds. The obvious risk would be that you might not get to your destination, miss your connecting flight and spend the next few nights in some jail. You will also have the wrath of 250 other passengers on your conscience. But then again, you only live once. Bonus points if you’re sitting next to an actual Arab looking dude. I rate this one an 9 for it takes some serious balls to try this. And with balls I mean nuts. And with nuts I mean, ah man you get the picture.

3. Consume copious amounts of garlic prior to boarding your flight. For more efficient results, do this the night before boarding, but then again, don’t expect any goodbyes from the wife on your way out the door. Remember when I say copious amounts I mean a shit load, enough to make your eyes burn. Add to that smelly feet, and you have a real winner. This is a much less adventurous option so I rate this one a 4. It’s 4 da wimps…

4. Talk non-stop and loud throughout the flight. About anything, about nothing. Just let your tongue do the work. (And for those grinning now, perve…) The trick is to continue talking even if the person you’re talking to puts on headphones and would obviously prefer being dead than listening to another word sprouting from your mind. Then you know you’ve succeeded. It’s mind-blowing to see normal people descend from friendliness, move past politeness, fly past irritation and rudeness and end up in full blown state of not even acknowledging your presence. Some people do it a lot faster than others, especially hearing about your cousin’s acne or your irregular bowl movements. Bonus points if you can dress-up and act like an old lady. Or a nun. I rate this one a 6.

5. Spill everything you drink on the same person throughout the flight. Do it with exaggerated motion whilst talking, or when you’re passing drinks, man anything. Find ingenious way to spill. Water, coffee, red wine! Please note that even the most feeble, soft spoken person will get pissed off with this, so you’re guaranteed to have a fist/palm in your face at some point. The fun is to see how quickly you would be able to feel knuckle skin on your teeth. I rate this on an 9, if only for the courage required for perfect execution.

6. On the flipside, drink excessive amounts of liquids to the point that your bladder feels like Mount Rushmore. Or like you’re about to give birth to quintuplets. Then get up. It would be really bad luck if all the lavatories are occupied when you need to go, but  it’s all part of the challenge, is it not? Once your back in your seat and feel ten gallons lighter, just start the process again. Ignore the frowning, condescending looks you will receive.  It’s all about the luck of the draw, but another bonus point if you got the window seat. This is a definite 7.

7. Fight for the arm rest like it’s the last thing you’ll ever be able to do. The confrontation will start as soon as you board the plane and shove your luggage in the compartment. You’ll have to buckle quickly and take your position. If you arrive at your designated row first, it’s easy, but the real challenge come when someone is already seated. Then you will need skill, to ensure success with a subtle, quick, sneaky move. It’s about displaying dominance early on. And not the black leather, whip-carrying type, just big man-little man type. Once you taste success, see whether you can maintain that position for the duration of the flight. Also another 7.

8. When the cabin lights goes off and the shades are pulled down for the “sleep sessions”, take your blanket pull it up to your chin, snuggle in the little pillow and close your eyes. After a few seconds flip your head to the side and make sure its falls on the shoulder of your fellow man. Make cuddling noises, then wait another second or two before you commence snoring. Full on sleep hypopnea-indusive snoring. Like Barbara Streisand with a nasal infection. Another 6.

9. Whilst watching your movie, lean over and take a few glimpses of the one the person is watching next to you. If you’ve seen the movie, motion for them to remove the headphones and then give a full blown movie review, dropping hints about the ending or any other plot twists that might ruin the said movie for them. If you haven’t seen it, then just lie, blatantly. You might have to duck after that conversation. Or change seats. Or receive some immediate medical attention. And you can always try to calm them down by ordering some wine, only to spill it once again for good measure. Another 8 because no guts, no glory.

10. Masturbate. While in your seat. Without a blanket. And see how quickly you get arrested. Or thrown off the plane. Or maybe you’ll receive some assistance. Who knows? When I was finishing off during my last inbound flight… Yes, I’m kidding. What do you take me for? An average male? This is my only 10 on the list. And rightly so, for it’s all about execution, and everyone needs a climax at the end of great post, don’t you agree?

So here is me wishing you all a very entertaining flight, the next time you travel by air.

For more insanity hop over to Ah Dad… where I try and entertain a lost world AND hope my kids read my ramblings one day.