How to Make a New Year’s Resolution

2013 is quickly coming to a close, and with it all your crushed dreams, mediocre sexcapades, Bieber retirement announcements and dashed hopes. But there’s a brand new year on the horizon, and now is the time to set up your list of resolutions.

Follow this advice to create the greatest resolution list known to man.

1. “I will lose weight”

Nearly everyone’s New Year’s list will include the phrase “I will lose weight.” And you will go to the supermarket that first week in January and buy celery and sawdust and maybe even that Jillian Michael’s exercise ball in the shape of her mouth, and then the celery will wilt, a bird will make a nest out of the sawdust, and you will be eating a stick of butter coated in nutella on top of a partially deflated exercise ball that has become part of your ass structure. A better resolution to make is “Eat less nutella” and then don’t quantify it at all because you can always eat less nutella than the population of the world.

2. “I will save more money”

The average person owes nearly $16,000 in credit card debt and $4,000 in Candy Crush Saga charms, which makes this resolution so tempting to make. Unfortunately wages are stagnating, inflation is increasing and the bitcoin is something I refuse to learn about. A better resolution to make is “If I see a penny, I will pick it up.”

3. “I will take my blog to the next level”

If you’re reading this, you’re likely a blogger, and you likely have dreams that one day, a publisher with more money than sense will see your blog out of the 453,072,981 other blogs and give you a book deal because this publisher can not get enough of your writing about your ingrown toenail that you’ve named Fredericko. But you know that expression–why pay for writing when you can get a cow for free?–there’s a reason why that expression is so popular. A better resolution to make is “I will take care of my ingrown toenail.”

4. “I will be nicer”

Let’s face it. Everyone is awful now. They have their eyeballs glued to screens so when you bump into them because you’re busy texting “whas up, dawg?” to your dog, this jackass doesn’t even mumble “sorry.” And his supermarket cart is right in the middle of the asile. Right in the middle! So no one can pass. I’m sorry, are you the King of the Supermarket? Am I suppose to grovel at your feet until you deign me worthy enough to pass? Unbelievable. A better resolution is “I will avoid all other humans.”

And that’s it! And by writing this, I was able to fulfill a 2013 resolution that I would write more for this blog. And then get that book deal. There’s still a few days, right?

73 thoughts on “How to Make a New Year’s Resolution

  1. I would buy your book. Just put Hugo on the cover and it will be an instant best-seller. Women are into creepy these days.

    I would like a dart board with Jillian’s face in it. That way I could get exercise tossing darts into her mouth.

  2. The funniest part of this is that I was reading your suggested resolution of taking my blog to the next level while getting that ingrown toenail dug out and texting my dawgs.

  3. I did see a penny today and didn’t pick it up. Too much exertion to bend over after stuffing myself senseless since Turkey Day. But I like your savings advice. If I pick up all the small change I see on the street in 2014 and save it, I might even have an entire dollar. Drinks aren’t on me! … Except for one or two tossed in my face.

  4. I’m all about reasonable expectations for 2014. I will step on fewer sidewalk cracks. I will increase my monthly intake of oxygen. I will help boost the economy by clicking on more Google ads.
    It’ll be hard, but I know that I have the strength to accomplish these goals. I really do.

  5. Once again this year I solemnly swear to make no resolutions. I like to play Monday morning Quarter back on December 31st and make up shit I accomplished in the previous 12 months. For instance this year I didn’t forget my anniversary….I almost did… but then I remembered to not do that…

  6. So where were you last year when I was making my resolutions? One year I resolved to swear less, but it would have been easier for me to just say “Avoid humans more.” Since other humans are usually the reason I swear.

  7. I like the fact that I read this after starting my draft for mocking new years resolutions. There’s lots I’d like to do but little I will change! Good luck with the human stuff they can be forceful and persevering if they want to see you x

  8. Oh this is hilarious! Are you serious about those Candy Crush numbers??? That’s terrifying. This was my favorite: I’m sorry, are you the King of the Supermarket? Bahahaha. Fabulous post – you crack me UP.

  9. Sorry it’s taken me so long to get to this. Funny post S7. Oh…and you hit all of mine except for quitting smoking. Which I’ve done. For the 1000th and hopefully last time. It’s been 4 whole days. So far, no casualties. So far.

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