2013 is quickly coming to a close, and with it all your crushed dreams, mediocre sexcapades, Bieber retirement announcements and dashed hopes. But there’s a brand new year on the horizon, and now is the time to set up your list of resolutions.
Follow this advice to create the greatest resolution list known to man.
1. “I will lose weight”
Nearly everyone’s New Year’s list will include the phrase “I will lose weight.” And you will go to the supermarket that first week in January and buy celery and sawdust and maybe even that Jillian Michael’s exercise ball in the shape of her mouth, and then the celery will wilt, a bird will make a nest out of the sawdust, and you will be eating a stick of butter coated in nutella on top of a partially deflated exercise ball that has become part of your ass structure. A better resolution to make is “Eat less nutella” and then don’t quantify it at all because you can always eat less nutella than the population of the world.
2. “I will save more money”
The average person owes nearly $16,000 in credit card debt and $4,000 in Candy Crush Saga charms, which makes this resolution so tempting to make. Unfortunately wages are stagnating, inflation is increasing and the bitcoin is something I refuse to learn about. A better resolution to make is “If I see a penny, I will pick it up.”
3. “I will take my blog to the next level”
If you’re reading this, you’re likely a blogger, and you likely have dreams that one day, a publisher with more money than sense will see your blog out of the 453,072,981 other blogs and give you a book deal because this publisher can not get enough of your writing about your ingrown toenail that you’ve named Fredericko. But you know that expression–why pay for writing when you can get a cow for free?–there’s a reason why that expression is so popular. A better resolution to make is “I will take care of my ingrown toenail.”
4. “I will be nicer”
Let’s face it. Everyone is awful now. They have their eyeballs glued to screens so when you bump into them because you’re busy texting “whas up, dawg?” to your dog, this jackass doesn’t even mumble “sorry.” And his supermarket cart is right in the middle of the asile. Right in the middle! So no one can pass. I’m sorry, are you the King of the Supermarket? Am I suppose to grovel at your feet until you deign me worthy enough to pass? Unbelievable. A better resolution is “I will avoid all other humans.”
And that’s it! And by writing this, I was able to fulfill a 2013 resolution that I would write more for this blog. And then get that book deal. There’s still a few days, right?
Reblogged this on Speaker7 and commented:
Whoop-de-doo. I have a post up at the other place The Official How To Blog.
I love your refined resolutions–especially the last one
It will really help reduce one’s stress level.
come to my New Year’s party and make a resolution you are not going to keep
That guy in the supermarket who decreed that you shall not pass – I think that was Gandalf.
Oh my gosh! I think you’re right. I likely failed some important test right there.
All sound advice. Well, except #2. I’m in trouble with one. We don’t have pennies in Canada any more. No cents.
Maybe you can pick up bottlecaps instead and then you can make jewelry from it and suddenly you’re the Canadian Martha Stewart.
If you pick up a nickel, you’ll be all set with this resolution for the next 5 years.
Now there’s an idea!
Canada makes no cents at all? I thought it made plenty of sense.
Hmm, cents, sense, scents…
Hehe! I’m not alone, then.
I would buy your book. Just put Hugo on the cover and it will be an instant best-seller. Women are into creepy these days.
I would like a dart board with Jillian’s face in it. That way I could get exercise tossing darts into her mouth.
All fantastic ideas. Maybe I can make my book about a billionaire half puppet man who is changed by a magical vagina owned by a clumsy brown-haired bag of hair? Oh and he’s a vampire.
Brilliant! Twilight Sexy Times as the title and you’re golden!
I like it! I was originally going to go for “Fifty Shades of Twilighted Gray-Tinged Butt Plugs” but your title is much better.
I just really love this
Thank you. I’ve always been about low expectations for each new year.
The funniest part of this is that I was reading your suggested resolution of taking my blog to the next level while getting that ingrown toenail dug out and texting my dawgs.
Are we the same person?
Most likely. I find us to be incredibly funny. The dash of bitchy keeps it interesting and everyone else on their toes.
Likely. It’s so rare to find others with Nutella and ingrown toenails.
I did see a penny today and didn’t pick it up. Too much exertion to bend over after stuffing myself senseless since Turkey Day. But I like your savings advice. If I pick up all the small change I see on the street in 2014 and save it, I might even have an entire dollar. Drinks aren’t on me! … Except for one or two tossed in my face.
You should get one of those nifty nabber things. Of course it will set you back about $20 bucks, which will require finding 2,000 pennies.
I would like a free cow, please? That was the point you were making, right? Going free-range organic?
I was always under the assumption that a free cow was part of this writing deal.
Thanks, Speaker7. Now I’ll have to take care of that ingrown toenail.
2014 is the year of Nadia!
I’m all about reasonable expectations for 2014. I will step on fewer sidewalk cracks. I will increase my monthly intake of oxygen. I will help boost the economy by clicking on more Google ads.
It’ll be hard, but I know that I have the strength to accomplish these goals. I really do.
You’re kind of my hero right now.
Read while stuffing my gob with another piece of toast with Nutella on it…new years isn’t for a few more days tho…
The key is to not quantify how much nutella you will eat less of.
Reblogged this on Navigate and commented:
Just funny, isnt’ it?
Once again this year I solemnly swear to make no resolutions. I like to play Monday morning Quarter back on December 31st and make up shit I accomplished in the previous 12 months. For instance this year I didn’t forget my anniversary….I almost did… but then I remembered to not do that…
I like this “make up shit” idea. It seems less strenous than actually making goals. I will make a resolution to do this more.
Remember it’s all possible because it’s already been attained. Cheers and happy almost new year!
So where were you last year when I was making my resolutions? One year I resolved to swear less, but it would have been easier for me to just say “Avoid humans more.” Since other humans are usually the reason I swear.
That is a good fucking point although I do find myself saying “fuck” at inanimate objects.
Fuck yeah, me too.
I ONLY say “fuck” to inanimate objects, by which I mean other drivers.
I like the fact that I read this after starting my draft for mocking new years resolutions. There’s lots I’d like to do but little I will change! Good luck with the human stuff they can be forceful and persevering if they want to see you x
Every new year, I declare: “this will be the year.” I have no idea what the frack that means.
Reblogged this on Reinvent Yourself and commented:
I love the part about Nutella. No matter much I eat, it will definitely be less than the rest of the world.
I can’t say the same for Lindt though.
Lindt is my Achille’s heel. I eat past the point of sickness.
I actually did eat Lindt past the point of sickness. I ate an entire box of Lindt balls on Boxing Day. I threw up. I am 28 and I threw up because I ate too much chocolate.This is mortifying at best.
I know I referred to another commenter as my hero, but you are sincerely my hero.
But if I avoid all other humans, how will I get them to drop enough pennies to pay for my podiatrist?
And this is why I have no business making How To Make New Year Resolutions post. I fail to consider possibilities such as this.
Very wise words of wisdom. Jillian Michael’s needs to fall into a giant jar of Nutella and drown! 🙂 Happy New Year!
That would be a New Year’s miracle.
You have made me laugh. Again. A lot. One of my resolutions is to read more Speaker 7 posts. HOW GOOD A RESOLUTION IS THAT????
Coming from someone who routinely makes me laugh until the point of sharting, I take this as a huge compliment.
I saw a program last night that explained all about bitcoins. Turns out it’s a code name for Candy Crush Saga charms.
Now everything makes sense.
Oh this is hilarious! Are you serious about those Candy Crush numbers??? That’s terrifying. This was my favorite: I’m sorry, are you the King of the Supermarket? Bahahaha. Fabulous post – you crack me UP.
Wait. You mean all bloggers don’t get book deals? That’s crazy talk. Me and Fredericko are so outta here.
I know. It makes absolutely no sense.
My resolution was to fit into my high-school suit by May, but I’m thinking I’ll change it to XL track suit by November.
92% of people fail at completing their New Year’s resolutions. So it’s a good thing you did this post
I’m in the 8%?!? Wow! I think I can take it easy this year then.
Sorry it’s taken me so long to get to this. Funny post S7. Oh…and you hit all of mine except for quitting smoking. Which I’ve done. For the 1000th and hopefully last time. It’s been 4 whole days. So far, no casualties. So far.
Love it! Although, damn, now I want Nutella….
That’s a normal reaction.
You are my hero, I have similar ‘how to’ blogs to yours but they’re never as funny as yours xD
Keep it up
Thank you. I have rarely been called a hero. I might get a superhero shirt made up.
Love No 3!
Great blog! I’ve done a New Year’s one: http://signorinainrome.wordpress.com/2014/01/16/belated-the-drama-of-the-infamous-new-years-resolution/ Let me know what you think! 🙂
I’m approximately twelve months, four days and 16 hours late to this post. You’ll be pleased to know it’s still hilarious.