How to Be a Tourist In New York City

The following post was written by Jenna Nobs.

1. Hold your iPhone at arm’s length from your face as you struggle to orient your direction on Google Maps. You might also consider carrying a sign that says, “Free mobile device, I won’t put up a struggle.”

2. Look right at the Empire State building and tell your friend that it’s not the Empire State Building. I mean it can’t be, because the other buildings around it look taller, right? Perspective, what’s that?

3. Buy a hotdog from a street vendor. Oh, this strange unwashed man is going to nestle this oddly pale dog into a bun with his bare hands? What a personal touch, isn’t New York City charming!

4. Run up to people in Elmo suits like it’s fucking Disney World. Walk away with a souvenir photo and a complimentary squeeze on the ass.

5. Marvel at people who have coated themselves in metallic paint to look like statues, then scream like a little girl when they jump at you. Natives, by contrast, never lose their cool. Twerking in the middle of the sidewalk, no problem. Body pulled out of the Hudson, another day on Law & Order. Remember tourists, always lose your cool.

6. Apologize for bumping into people, and I mean every single one. We live in a civilized society.

7. Point in a completely random direction when someone asks you where a major landmark is. It’s just so flattering, how can you not mask your ignorance in that situation?

8. Comment that you’re pretty sure this is the street corner where Ice-T called someone his bitch on SVU. It’s perfect because you can’t be wrong.

9. Hail a taxi like you’re sticking your hand into an open flame. New Yorkers do tend to bite.

10. Walk down the block in a random direction to determine whether you’re going uptown or downtown, then turn around because obviously you’re wrong. Again. Seriously do natives have an internal compass?

11. Make eye contact with pushy street vendors and listen to their ten-minute sales pitch/accept a lot of fliers you don’t want while native passersby snicker at your vulnerability.

12. Whip out your disposable camera every time you see a building that looks historical or a guy in a Spiderman suit. Feel free to block foot traffic as you do so.

13. Be in Times Square.

14. Don’t give up your seat on the subway, no matter how old, pregnant, or weak standing passengers may be. Jesus Christ you guys, I’m kidding– this is New York City, not Lord of the Flies. Have a fucking soul.

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How to Not Get Caught in the Doritos Taco Hype

I nearly shit my pants when I heard Taco Bell will be adding a new Dorito taco flavor on Aug. 22. I realize that this is a common reaction associated with Taco Bell.

And then I realized, I needed to tamper down my excitement and lower my expectations. Yes it is a meat byproduct lovingly enveloped in a processed, MSG-ladened corn taco. Yes, America is still a leader in innovation and synergy-ation. Yes, I would be consuming my annual allotment of sodium in one bite.

But, gentle reader, there is more to life like:

  • butterflies
  • The Act of Killing, a documentary about remoreless killers in Indonesia
  • Bridezillas marathons on WeTV

It’s hard not to be excited when you learn that the new flavor is “Volcanic Assblaster.” I’ve just been informed that I am wrong. The new flavor is “Fiery” although I believe my guess rings true in a digestive sense.

It is very easy to be swept away in the Doritos Taco hype–to be the first to display your orange-hued finger like an Iraqi voting in his first election. This guide will help you above all remain calm and digestively sound.

1. You know when Taco Bell sounds good? At 2 a.m. after a night of mind-altering substances. The mind-altering substances have altered your mind to a point where that burrito tastes like a tenderloin birthed by a lobster.  On Aug. 22, refrain from all mind-altering substances.

2. Although it may be tempting, do not become friends with Doritos on Facebook or follow it on Twitter. Doritos is kind of a drama queen and you do not want any taco drama.

Scientific proof:

tacosadness

and

tacodrama

and

taconickel

3. Pick Aug. 22 as the day you actually take advantage of that gym membership you’ve been paying for and not using for two years. You can spend an hour on the elliptical or take Hula Hoop swing dance spin class. When you focus on your health, you will less likely be inclined to suck on the orange grease gushing from your Dorito taco.

4. Move to a country that does not have a Taco Bell. That would be….um…..Indonesia? Watch out for those remoreless killers.

5. Watch or read some food-related book that really examines the American food system. Be aware that this will result in you never eating again.

6. Break dance contest.

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Want to read more from Speaker7? You don’t?!? What the fuck is wrong with you?

How Not to Pack for Vacation

VacationYou’ve worked hard and now it’s time to think about getting away from all the stress associated with everyday life. It’s time for a holiday. Those vacations are usually a once a year trip that we plan, dream of and sometimes, obsess about. Every little detail is scrutinized over to squeeze out the maximum amount of pleasure from the limited period allotted for ‘time off.’ To ensure the most fun deemed feasible from your trip and, possibly off the radar of the local, friendly police force, here is a suggestion for how not to pack for a vacation. Some of the items on this list will more than likely land you in an extended holiday in a dank, dark prison cell, or worse, in the doghouse. Other items are things that, at the time, seemed like a good idea, but turned out to bring a little hell to our otherwise peaceful existence.

1. Porn.

Videos of you and your significant other engaged in clothing optional nocturnal activities should be left at home. These little discs of blackmail material can turn up missing while your luggage is being scanned by those trustworthy and upstanding security officers. Years from now, you don’t want to be running for some political office only to have your campaign derailed because of your raunchy sex tape (unless you decide to tweet pictures of you man parts like a certain politician from New York did and decide to run again – I really don’t wanna see your Weiner). Although, it could help you become an internet sensation. Instead, make new videos while on vacation as a souvenir of the great time you had while on vacation. Unlike other vacation videos, these will be sure to be watched over and over.

2. Illegal drugs.

Yes, it is a time to relax and forget about stressful things like work, bills, and the neighbor’s dog that barks all night. But, leaving the illegal substances at home will ensure almost stress-free travel to your vacation destination. Buy your recreational drugs when you get there, you will be stimulating the local economy and experiencing a little of the native culture. As an added bonus, if you are arrested for buying or using an illegal substance, you will get a free tour of the inside of their judicial and prison systems. Now that is something to write home about.

3. Weapons.

Unless you are an international spy, a rogue agent or a freelance hitman, it’s best to leave the weapons to the professionals. Those automatic rifles, blinged out pistols, and stun gun in a stapler are freakin’ cool, but they don’t belong on a plane, train or automobile (cruise ships might be ok – especially if you run the risk of going weeks without power and need to defend yourself or hunt for food). You don’t want to be joining your drug using buddies in the local pokey because you forgot to leave your Bowie knife cum bottle opener next to the case of Coors Light and the stack of adult rated, late night, home movies.

4. Exotic animals.

Only Hollywood types and eccentrics bring along their favorite Bengal tiger or barfy cute kinkajou. And you don’t want the local drug lord or crooked police chief taking notice of you and pressuring you into handing over your beloved pet or sacrifice a family member until you agree to his terms. Stop looking at your spouse like that. If it wasn’t for them, you’d probably be laying in a gutter somewhere, hung over from a three day bender and trying to remember your mother’s maiden name. You owe them your life. Leave Fluffy at home and everyone lives happily ever after. Ok, mostly happy. (Look what happened to Beiber and his poor little monkey – not *that* monkey, perv!)

5. Boyfriend/girlfriend (if you’re married).

Lest you are a master juggler, taking along your boyfriend/girlfriend and your spouse is probably not the wisest decision you will ever make. The probability of them crossing paths would send even the most ruthless and daring bookie heading for a safer bet. Save the rendezvous with the extra marital baggage for those boring, out of town meetings and conventions that your better half simply abhors.

6. Mother-in-law.

This is supposed to be fun, right? Why would you bring along a miserable, nagging, old hag that will probably complain about everything from the lumpy bed to the tight ass on the half-naked cabana boy serving watered down rum punch? Unless you plan on stuffing a dirty sock in her mouth and duct taping it in place, accidently forget to pick her up on the way to the airport and enjoy your well-earned holiday. Just don’t forget to turn off the cell phone and tell the front desk that you are unavailable.

7. Work.

No matter how much your pimp whines, leave his good for nothing ass at home. You need a little time to let your hair down, relax and enjoy life. After all, you earned that measly 10% that he allows you to keep from all that back breaking, knee scraping physical labor. And don’t even think about sending him anything. When he went on vacation, where were you? Yeah, you were working to support him. And who did he take on his vacation? He took that ho, Cindy-May. Girl, don’t even think about going back. You packed your bags, hopped a plane and now you’re in paradise. This is life’s way of telling you it’s time to start over.  Grab that pole and shake your money maker!

Bonus:

8. Friends.

Unless you can stand seeing them first thing in the morning without a caffeine injection, fresh clothes, make up, or showered, leave them behind. You may not want to ruin a perfectly good friendship and a vacation of a lifetime by freaking out when you see them naked. And how much do you really want to know about their bathroom routine? I didn’t think so.

Vacations are the time to set aside the stressors from work, home and life in general. A little forethought and planning can go a long way to ensure your vacation is postcard perfect. By leaving behind items that may induce stress, you are almost guaranteed to have at the best damn time allowed by law, unless it’s otherwise stated in the fine print.

Disclaimer: The author takes no responsibility for any reader’s actions if said reader takes it upon themselves to follow or ignore the following not so helpful hints and advice on packing for a holiday. Reader’s discretion is advised. Read at your own risk. Do not operate heavy machinery while texting. May cause erectile malfunction. Some assembly suggested. Only use under the direction of a trained medical professional – medical school drop outs count. You have been warned.