Spring is here, and with that the obligation to do things outside and make property look acceptable to judging neighbors.
A few months back, I purchased a home in a family-friendly neighborhood. My previous home fronted a four-lane state highway and was a block away from the local hospital. This passed for landscape design:
But now I must keep up with the Jones’ or the Smith’s or whatever their names may be, I’m not very neighborly. So I ordered wicker porch chairs from Target. This is how they arrived:
And this is how my amazing how-to on How To Put Together Porch Furniture came into being.
Step 1. Open box and dump out all the parts. Weep.
Step 3. After much kicking of empty box, locate a miniscule box with the words “Important: don’t throw away” under a heap of chair parts.
Step 4. Read step 1 of the directions:
Step 5. Ask the directions if they are fucking with you.
Step 6. Stare with envy at neighbor across the street who seems perfectly content sitting in a folding chair on his front porch.
Step 7. Attempt to stick pieces together into a chair-like shape.
Step 8. Make a pact with God.
If you help me figure this out, I will stop taking your name in vain while I assemble this clusterfuck of a chair.
Step 9. Question the meaning of life when no help is provided. Go inside an open a bottle of wine.
Step 10. Figure now is the perfect time to let Target know what you think if its product.
Step 11. Dicker around some more and eventually get to this somehow.
Step 12: Revel in your amazingness and then notice the second box.
The Official How To Blog is filmed before a live studio audience. If you wish to be a part of the show, drop us a line.