Spring is here, and with that the obligation to do things outside and make property look acceptable to judging neighbors.
A few months back, I purchased a home in a family-friendly neighborhood. My previous home fronted a four-lane state highway and was a block away from the local hospital. This passed for landscape design:
It set the perfect backdrop for the time my neighbor’s daughter decided to pour gasoline onto my driveway.
But now I must keep up with the Jones’ or the Smith’s or whatever their names may be, I’m not very neighborly. So I ordered wicker porch chairs from Target. This is how they arrived:
This does not look like a chair.
And this is how my amazing how-to on How To Put Together Porch Furniture came into being.
Step 1. Open box and dump out all the parts. Weep.
Step 2: Look for the directions.
“Helloooooooo??”
Step 3. After much kicking of empty box, locate a miniscule box with the words “Important: don’t throw away” under a heap of chair parts.
Now, we’re cooking.
Step 4. Read step 1 of the directions:
*click to enlarge*
Step 5. Ask the directions if they are fucking with you.
*click to enlarge*
Step 6. Stare with envy at neighbor across the street who seems perfectly content sitting in a folding chair on his front porch.
Step 7. Attempt to stick pieces together into a chair-like shape.
I believe this is the bottom or at least it is now.
Step 8. Make a pact with God.
Dear God,
If you help me figure this out, I will stop taking your name in vain while I assemble this clusterfuck of a chair.
Amen,
TOHTB
Step 9. Question the meaning of life when no help is provided. Go inside an open a bottle of wine.
Soon it will no longer matter what the chair looks like.
Step 10. Figure now is the perfect time to let Target know what you think if its product.
Step 11. Dicker around some more and eventually get to this somehow.
I am a fucking chair genius!
Step 12: Revel in your amazingness and then notice the second box.
For fuck’s sake.
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