How to Compose the Greatest Tweet

Twitter is a huge deal. Without it, we would not know this:

parisinaneThink of all the wishes we would be missing out on when 11:11 happens twice a day, every day on Earth.

Twitter can be daunting considering all the tweets that are twitted out of twats every microsecond. That is, like, more than fifty. How can your tweet possibly compete?

tweet1I’m telling you, it can! By following these steps, you can generate a tweet that will reverberate throughout the Twittersphere for at least 30 seconds until you’re overshadowed by this:

rushtwitNow some people may argue that the need to share whatever thought your brain farts into your head is a colossal waste of time. That Twitter is a platform for narcissism, and leads us farther away from a life lived deliberately in the woods in some cabin without wi-fi.

I would say to them that a life lived deliberately is lame.


1. It helps to be famous so try to get into movies or write some hit song or something. People tend to pay attention and retweet even the most inane tweets of celebrities.

celebritytweet2. If fame proves elusive, the next place to start is to see what’s trending. You’re more likely to get noticed if you are writing about the important issues of the microsecond.

trends3. Now that you’ve found your topic, it’s time to craft your tweet. You have only 140 characters to really wow the masses so you should write something really good. Don’t be discouraged if it takes you minutes or months to perfect the tweet. Keep in mind some people have obtained book deals from their twitty repartee.


If you find you cannot craft the perfect tweet, retweet someone else’s. Do not retweet this:


4. If all else fails, be controversial. Why do you think Teresa Guidice is the highest paid cast member on The Real Housewives of New Jersey? 

sonotsexistThat one is actually real. Technology, I salute thee!

Now that you’re on the road to success, remember that you will have to do this every four to five seconds because that is the current shelf-life of the greatest tweet.


Want to read more from Speaker7? Visit here. You can also follow Speaker7 on Twitter. She posts frequently between poops. 

59 thoughts on “How to Compose the Greatest Tweet

  1. Speaker7,
    I like to sparkle my tweets with cusses. It’s an art to do so in less than 140 characters:
    . Fuck you, ungrateful fucks (26 characters)
    . Fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck (135 characters).
    . Robin Thicke is a fucking idiot (31 characters).
    Le Clown

  2. I twitter while I poop. TMI? Or just enough for me to get famous?

    I am curious what Geraldo’s thought process was for his twit-pic: hmm….yes. People DO want to see what the Crypt Keeper looks like naked!

  3. Ok so I’ve been following both your personal and ‘How To’ blogs for a while now. But I’ve been too shy to comment up until now.

    However given that I’ve managed to contact both Jen & Tonic and more recently, Le Clown, I think I’ve gotten over my fear of speaking to you.

    Note – I mean this in a very good way. You’re super entertaining and write like a female Will Ferrell/Eddie Murphy/Mike Myers (all squashed together). Which is why I have found it a little intimidating trying to contact you in the past.

    Anyway, now that lameness is out of the way, there’s actually no reason to carry on talking as I’ve said all I have to say…

    I’m not sure that this will lead to any increased traffic for you (not that you need or are looking for any) but I’ve set up a links section at the bottom of my blog so that my readers can find you.

    Seriously, I love your work and feel that anyone who enjoys my own stuff needs to see what I actually enjoy.

    PS – Feel free not to approve this comment. I just didn’t know how else to get in touch.

    • I am way less intimidating than Le Clown. He uses the word “fuck” a lot and I would never say “fuck.” Fuck no. Thanks for the nice comments and the link. Imagine what I could do if a donned a fatsuit in the style of Eddie Murphy/Mike Myers.

  4. I have bronchitis again. I will try to tweet my mucus. #that’sdisgusting. First I have to figure out how I managed to make myself two twitter accounts, which one is real, and what my password is.

  5. Twitter enrages me because no one talks to each other on there. They just keep tweeting out crap! haaaa. Literally! And whenever I try to talk to someone they hardly respond. It’s SO BORING!!!

  6. I haven’t used Twitter in a while now. You (and the Caroline Criado-Perez farrago[]) remind me why…

    Keep up the good work.


  7. Hey, I’m nominating you for a Versatile Blogging Award…See it here! YAAAAY…Because your Awesome :)

  8. This makes me feel old. Not only do I not Tweet (while pooping or not pooping), but I remember when Geraldo was young and handsome and seeing him naked would have made my day. Unless of course he spoke.

  9. Pingback: How to Compose the Greatest Tweet | Unlikely Story.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s