How to Compose the Greatest Tweet

Twitter is a huge deal. Without it, we would not know this:

parisinaneThink of all the wishes we would be missing out on when 11:11 happens twice a day, every day on Earth.

Twitter can be daunting considering all the tweets that are twitted out of twats every microsecond. That is, like, more than fifty. How can your tweet possibly compete?

tweet1I’m telling you, it can! By following these steps, you can generate a tweet that will reverberate throughout the Twittersphere for at least 30 seconds until you’re overshadowed by this:

rushtwitNow some people may argue that the need to share whatever thought your brain farts into your head is a colossal waste of time. That Twitter is a platform for narcissism, and leads us farther away from a life lived deliberately in the woods in some cabin without wi-fi.

I would say to them that a life lived deliberately is lame.


1. It helps to be famous so try to get into movies or write some hit song or something. People tend to pay attention and retweet even the most inane tweets of celebrities.

celebritytweet2. If fame proves elusive, the next place to start is to see what’s trending. You’re more likely to get noticed if you are writing about the important issues of the microsecond.

trends3. Now that you’ve found your topic, it’s time to craft your tweet. You have only 140 characters to really wow the masses so you should write something really good. Don’t be discouraged if it takes you minutes or months to perfect the tweet. Keep in mind some people have obtained book deals from their twitty repartee.


If you find you cannot craft the perfect tweet, retweet someone else’s. Do not retweet this:


4. If all else fails, be controversial. Why do you think Teresa Guidice is the highest paid cast member on The Real Housewives of New Jersey? 

sonotsexistThat one is actually real. Technology, I salute thee!

Now that you’re on the road to success, remember that you will have to do this every four to five seconds because that is the current shelf-life of the greatest tweet.


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