How to Compose the Greatest Tweet

Twitter is a huge deal. Without it, we would not know this:

parisinaneThink of all the wishes we would be missing out on when 11:11 happens twice a day, every day on Earth.

Twitter can be daunting considering all the tweets that are twitted out of twats every microsecond. That is, like, more than fifty. How can your tweet possibly compete?

tweet1I’m telling you, it can! By following these steps, you can generate a tweet that will reverberate throughout the Twittersphere for at least 30 seconds until you’re overshadowed by this:

rushtwitNow some people may argue that the need to share whatever thought your brain farts into your head is a colossal waste of time. That Twitter is a platform for narcissism, and leads us farther away from a life lived deliberately in the woods in some cabin without wi-fi.

I would say to them that a life lived deliberately is lame.

tweet2

1. It helps to be famous so try to get into movies or write some hit song or something. People tend to pay attention and retweet even the most inane tweets of celebrities.

celebritytweet2. If fame proves elusive, the next place to start is to see what’s trending. You’re more likely to get noticed if you are writing about the important issues of the microsecond.

trends3. Now that you’ve found your topic, it’s time to craft your tweet. You have only 140 characters to really wow the masses so you should write something really good. Don’t be discouraged if it takes you minutes or months to perfect the tweet. Keep in mind some people have obtained book deals from their twitty repartee.

awesometweet

If you find you cannot craft the perfect tweet, retweet someone else’s. Do not retweet this:

geraldo

4. If all else fails, be controversial. Why do you think Teresa Guidice is the highest paid cast member on The Real Housewives of New Jersey? 

sonotsexistThat one is actually real. Technology, I salute thee!

Now that you’re on the road to success, remember that you will have to do this every four to five seconds because that is the current shelf-life of the greatest tweet.

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Want to read more from Speaker7? Visit here. You can also follow Speaker7 on Twitter. She posts frequently between poops. 

How To Be a Bloghole

Today’s guest post first appeared on When Crazy Meets Exhaustion. I liked it because it reminded me another favorite topic: the humblebrag. I wrote about that and now you will read my post immediately, then follow me and then like everything I do and then put a clause in your will demanding the same servitude from your descendants. I think I’m getting the hang of this blogholeness, and you can too! Take it away When Crazy Meets Exhaustion:

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I started blogging so I didn’t stab myself in the eye with a rusty fork.

Let me start over.

I started blogging because, as a work-from-home-mom-of-two, I didn’t have time to take a crap in private.

Dammit. Trying this one more time.

I start blogging because I love to write.

There it is.

I love the feeling of pride and catharsis after hitting publish. I love getting comments and feedback from readers. I love that it is something I do just for me.

What I don’t love is that there are some real jerkfaces out there masquerading around, pretending to care about my writing. Yours, too. I didn’t coin the term, but it’s perfection: bloghole. According to Tara at You Know It Happens At Your House, Too, a bloghole is “someone that talks, tweets, and acts poorly in a blog.”

I don’t make a good bloghole because I can’t pretend to like something when I don’t. Once a gal commented on my blog and, out of courtesy, I checked her out. This chick’s blog was dedicated to the Mesozoic idea that women are on earth solely to please their men, suggesting that wives always wear make-up and look “dressed up” when our husbands come home from work. I’m sorry, but even 1952 thinks that’s ridonkulous.

Even though I’m a sucky one, there is hope for those aspiring blogholes out there. Here are some tips to help them become the very best blogholes they can be:

blogholery

1. Seek out other bloggers’ Facebook pages, “like” them, and then leave an annoying message such as, “Liked you. Here’s my page.” You should always assume the other party is interested in you and excited to reciprocate.

2. Follow 23,8893 people on Twitter. The second one of them follows you back, unfollow immediately. It’s *super* important to have your followers outnumber those you follow because it makes you closer to Jesus.

3. Participate in blog hops but not really. Link up for exposure, but don’t show any interest in the other writers. This is cut-throat. No need to play nice.

4. Stalk the Top 25 fill-in-the-blank bloggers. Within 17 minutes, leave a comment on every post they’ve ever written, and then tag them on Twitter like you’re BFFs.

5. Contact all of your favorite bloggers via e-mail and ask them to write for you. They would love to hand over their ideas  for nothing in return. It’s not like they’re attached to their writing or anything.

6. Piggybacking off of #5, if you like another blogger’s post, feel free to reblog it without asking permission and/or giving it credit. Plagiarism only means something in a high school English classroom.

7. A legit bloghole doesn’t try to find writers with a purpose or style similar to his/her own. They are indiscriminately obnoxious.

8. When commenting on others’ blogs, find a way to work your own into it:“Loved this post! You really made me laugh. I bet I can make you laugh. Just give me the chance. Seriously, give me a chance. I’ll make you shart in your pants. Check me out at http://www.blogholemanners.com.”

9. Completely ignore the fact that there is a real person behind the computer. Judge every word, rip apart every post, and don’t rule out mother-effing them if they don’t respond to your Tweet, e-mail, Facebook message, and comment. We’re not in this to make friends.

10. If you don’t remember #1 – 9, remember this, the most important guideline to becoming a successful bloghole: write about anything that you believe will increase your readership and popularity. Staying true to yourself and finding your voice is completely overrated. Be a traitor to the truth. Be a sell-out. Be Elton John serenading the homo-hating Rush Limbaugh at his 2010 wedding. Whatever you do, don’t be you.

I have more stretch marks than I have Twitter followers, and if I cared any less, I would be my husband watching the Beyonce HBO special I forced upon him. But I sure hope that these guidelines prove useful to anyone who strives to be a big ol’ bloghole.

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Reread step 5 and pledged your servitude to me realize that writing for The Official How To Blog is all you ever wanted and more. 

The Official How To Blog is the one true source for all information and blogholery.