How to Have a Conversation

Texting has become the preferred form of communication. It initially was invented to facilitate conversation when face-to-face or the phone was not possible. But now when given the choice, most people would prefer to shoot a text than deal with the expressions that exist on people’s faces and the squawking sounds that emerge from saliva-ridden mouths. Ewww…gross. 😉

Occasionally you will find yourself in the presence of another living being and actually have to conduct a conversation in “real time.” 😯

This can be daunting. You may find yourself wondering how to express emotion without the assist of emoticons. You may find yourself worried that LOL is less powerful when said aloud. You may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife.

Don’t worry. Follow these steps and you will effortlessly sail through a conversation and then quickly return to your alloted 15 hours with your mobile device. 😀

1. Your natural instinct will be to answer the person’s questions through text.

conversationThis is a common mistake. The trick to having an actual conversation is to use your human body parts like your mouth, eyes and hands. Your lungs will supply the air that you need to get your voice going so take a breath and test out the vocal folds in your throat. Don’t get tense if you first sound like this “Unngghhhhhh????” You will get better with practice. Your eyes are necessary for looking at the other person. You can actually see how the person is responding to the sounds you are emitting. This way you can adjust your sounds if the person is making an expression like this: 😡

2. Practice beforehand. Try to use actual words rather than abbreviations when you are texting.


3. While it may be taxing, you will need to respond to the person rather quickly since you are conducting a conversation in “real time.” You may be compelled to compulsively check Facebook to see if anyone has sent you life on Candy Crush Saga, but this type of behavior will disrupt the natural flow and rhythm of the real-time conversation. To avoid this, you should put your phone away. I see that you just set it off to the side, but you’re still looking at it. Put it out of sight. You just moved it a quarter of an inch. Put it where you cannot see it all. Okay, that’s better. . . why are you shaking?

4. Do not live-tweet or blog the converation while it’s happening. How do you tell someone she has arugula in her teeth? #awkward. That might make the person uncomfortable. Attempt to put all your attention on the other person and listen to the sounds squawking out of her saliva-ridden mouth. This will help you when formulating your response.

talking5. Don’t feel nervous if there are lulls in the conversation. There will be lulls because no one has any idea how to conduct face-to-face conversations anymore. Whatever you do, do not take a dick pic and text it to the person. You may think this will give you something to talk about, but no one in the world wants to see your penis.


Want to read more from Speaker7? Visit here. No dick pics, please. 

42 thoughts on “How to Have a Conversation

  1. During a live conversation, someone once said to me: “lol”

    C’mon, America. We can do better than this. But, I must say that you would probably be the funniest person on the planet to text with, Speaker 7 -especially after an episode of The Bachelor or Splash. Every response would have “Caption Potential”

    LOL OMG 🙂

    • Here is my deep, dark secret Adam, and I feel I can only tell you…
      I can’t text. 😦
      I’m not thumbedextrous. I don’t know what the fuck SMH or SMFH or SMFHAL means?!? I fear I will be left behind in the future with my stupid dumb phone.

      • Pssh, my phone is one step up from the Zack Morris phone. You’re not missing anything though.

        I don’t know what any of those acronyms mean, but if I had to guess:

        SMH: slap my hoagie
        SMFH: slap my fucking hoagie
        SMFHAL: slap my fucking hoagie and loudly!

  2. Hilarious! I’m not really addicted to texting or anything (in fact, I wish I could throw my phone away every time it rings) but this is brilliant for all my ‘facebook-twitter-whatsapp’-holic friends! Pressing!

  3. Pingback: How to Have a Conversation | SID's Blog

  4. Receiving texts from my posse during the course of the day over here at The Grind jars me out of my work-related coma. Yesterday, my fashionista bud Coco texted me that she received a simultaneous compliment & insult when a woman on the street screamed at her: “Nice shoes, Shopaholic!” I think this exchange would have made fine conversation practice over a high octane beverage — and I could have pulled a Weiner and drooled over the shoes like a one track minded cad(ette).

    • I think the incident with your friend is likely why face-to-face conversations are going the way of the dinosaur. People are afraid of the random yelling.

  5. I wouldn’t call Congressman Weiner photogenic. At least not his face. If he shares my opinion, then it’s perfectly understandable that he’d rather send a photo of his more photogenic parts.

  6. No talking on the phone is so much better – you don’t need anyone on the other end! Just like Christian Grey, you can just make it up and people will think you are a great business man and give you lots of money. Yammer into your dead phone “make me a great big sky scraper” pause “Yes, that’s right, the biggest, tallest, firmest one” pause “no I am not making up for a small penis.” Etc.

    • I know exactly what you mean. Just the other day, I was trying to yell “Fuck you” at another person and it came out as “Duck you.” Really embarrassing.

  7. Speaker7, all I can say is thank you. Today I found myself in the unfortunate position of having a face-to-face conversation, and because of your advice, I managed to successfully engage in verbal communication without crying, burrowing into the ground, or taking a dick pic. The future of human interaction lies with people like you.

  8. Pingback: How to Have a Conversation | You don't know what you can't

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