Twitter is a huge deal. Without it, we would not know this:
Think of all the wishes we would be missing out on when 11:11 happens twice a day, every day on Earth.
Twitter can be daunting considering all the tweets that are twitted out of twats every microsecond. That is, like, more than fifty. How can your tweet possibly compete?
I’m telling you, it can! By following these steps, you can generate a tweet that will reverberate throughout the Twittersphere for at least 30 seconds until you’re overshadowed by this:
Now some people may argue that the need to share whatever thought your brain farts into your head is a colossal waste of time. That Twitter is a platform for narcissism, and leads us farther away from a life lived deliberately in the woods in some cabin without wi-fi.
I would say to them that a life lived deliberately is lame.
1. It helps to be famous so try to get into movies or write some hit song or something. People tend to pay attention and retweet even the most inane tweets of celebrities.
2. If fame proves elusive, the next place to start is to see what’s trending. You’re more likely to get noticed if you are writing about the important issues of the microsecond.
3. Now that you’ve found your topic, it’s time to craft your tweet. You have only 140 characters to really wow the masses so you should write something really good. Don’t be discouraged if it takes you minutes or months to perfect the tweet. Keep in mind some people have obtained book deals from their twitty repartee.
If you find you cannot craft the perfect tweet, retweet someone else’s. Do not retweet this:
4. If all else fails, be controversial. Why do you think Teresa Guidice is the highest paid cast member on The Real Housewives of New Jersey?
That one is actually real. Technology, I salute thee!
Now that you’re on the road to success, remember that you will have to do this every four to five seconds because that is the current shelf-life of the greatest tweet.
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Want to read more from Speaker7? Visit here. You can also follow Speaker7 on Twitter. She posts frequently between poops.
Speaker7,
I like to sparkle my tweets with cusses. It’s an art to do so in less than 140 characters:
. Fuck you, ungrateful fucks (26 characters)
. Fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck (135 characters).
. Robin Thicke is a fucking idiot (31 characters).
Le Clown
Le Clown,
May I please retweet?
Speaker7
From now on I’m just going to tweet “Blurred Lines” to you over and over again.
I twitter while I poop. TMI? Or just enough for me to get famous?
I am curious what Geraldo’s thought process was for his twit-pic: hmm….yes. People DO want to see what the Crypt Keeper looks like naked!
Learning to poop tweets will be the key marker of success.
Joe is on to something. Keep practicing Darla, you will get there. My goal is to poop a twit pic.
That could be painful
I see…maybe I can poop a twit dick pic? Then I’d have all my bases covered.
(I have been waiting for this moment all my life to type out the above sentence…thank you, Joe and Speaker for making this dream come true for me)
One off the bucket list!
#LifeGoalRealized
Let’s get this trending today.
Note to self: never borrow Darla’s phone. Or Joe’s or speaker7’s.
Great read!! Enjoyed it =)
Pozzie was here….
Thanks! I was trying to make the whole post 140 character so I could tweet it, but that will be for another day.
Hey, I also poop AND I have a camera!! I can do this too! Thank you, speaker, you rule!
You are well on you way to Twit-brity. That’s my “clever” mesh of Twitter and Celebrity.
I suck at Tweeting, or maybe I’m brilliant, it’s hard to tell.
It’s for the masses to decide. Have you tried tweeting your bodily functions?
not yet. I prefer dick pics, but only if I draw them myself wearing smoking jackets and ascots (shameless self promotion)
Geraldo! NO! My eyes! MY EYES!
I think this is his way of dealing with the disappointment that came from finding nothing in Al Capone’s vault. Or maybe he’s just gross?
Ok so I’ve been following both your personal and ‘How To’ blogs for a while now. But I’ve been too shy to comment up until now.
However given that I’ve managed to contact both Jen & Tonic and more recently, Le Clown, I think I’ve gotten over my fear of speaking to you.
Note – I mean this in a very good way. You’re super entertaining and write like a female Will Ferrell/Eddie Murphy/Mike Myers (all squashed together). Which is why I have found it a little intimidating trying to contact you in the past.
Anyway, now that lameness is out of the way, there’s actually no reason to carry on talking as I’ve said all I have to say…
I’m not sure that this will lead to any increased traffic for you (not that you need or are looking for any) but I’ve set up a links section at the bottom of my blog so that my readers can find you.
Seriously, I love your work and feel that anyone who enjoys my own stuff needs to see what I actually enjoy.
PS – Feel free not to approve this comment. I just didn’t know how else to get in touch.
I am way less intimidating than Le Clown. He uses the word “fuck” a lot and I would never say “fuck.” Fuck no. Thanks for the nice comments and the link. Imagine what I could do if a donned a fatsuit in the style of Eddie Murphy/Mike Myers.
I have bronchitis again. I will try to tweet my mucus. #that’sdisgusting. First I have to figure out how I managed to make myself two twitter accounts, which one is real, and what my password is.
Jeez, again? At least you’re creating something positive out of the experience.
Well, bronchitis beats pneumonia lungs down.
You make me want to join Twitter again. I would love to tweet about poop.
Victory!
Twitter enrages me because no one talks to each other on there. They just keep tweeting out crap! haaaa. Literally! And whenever I try to talk to someone they hardly respond. It’s SO BORING!!!
My advice? More dick pics.
I haven’t used Twitter in a while now. You (and the Caroline Criado-Perez farrago[http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2013/jul/30/twittter-abuse-arrest-of-second-man]) remind me why…
Keep up the good work.
V
Yes, the threat of rape really takes the joy out of social networking. That story was way disturbing.
Thank you! I now know what I’ve been doing wrong. I fully expect my Twitter following to explode overnight.
Seriously – this post made my day 🙂
I’m curious. Did you write a hit song or did you write a really amazing post about #snausages?
Because of your reply I shot off a tweet about Snausages. It hasn’t brought a multitude of followers, but I did get a response and a follow from Snausages, so there’s that… 🙂
Reblogged this on Bizarre Notion.
What about the golden shower? Can’t we tweet some peeeee?
Absolutely, tweet-pee.
Hey, I’m nominating you for a Versatile Blogging Award…See it here! YAAAAY…Because your Awesome :)http://lyndzeerae27.wordpress.com/2013/07/31/best-bloggin-day-ever-until-i-realized-what-i-was-in-for/
Thanks for the nod. I’m wondering if this qualifies me as a celebrity and I can begin tweeting strictly about my poo?
Hmmmm…I’m pretty sure that’s a definite possibility. 🙂
This makes me feel old. Not only do I not Tweet (while pooping or not pooping), but I remember when Geraldo was young and handsome and seeing him naked would have made my day. Unless of course he spoke.
Geraldo always looked too much like Yosemite Sam for me. Now a Yosemite Sam pec pic? Sign me up!
I really need to tweet about how that Geraldo photo made me feel…I just can’t keep the vomit from seeping through the barf bag.
I really think you should tweet a projectile pic.
I just created a Twitter account for Anthony Weiner’s wiener (@WeinerzWiener).
If that won’t get me into Congress, I don’t know what will.
Ha! I knew it was you.
Was it the accent, or the same X-chromosome?
This may be the one reason why Twitter should exist.
When I first saw the twitter notification, I thought, “eww, gross”. Then I read this post and was going to mention it, and I decided to check it out — and then I realized it had to be someone I knew. And you were the only person following it at the time.
I followed it for a while, but I eventually had to unfollow — the tweets are funny, but I just can’t deal with that picture popping up all the time.
Ok, I guess I’ll have to change the photo. Off to find one of congressman Weiner where @weinerzwiener is not showing.
A lot of fart and poop references in that piece. And for the guy who tweets while pooping, I think it’s called twooping. Just saying…
You should ™ twooping immediately.
already TWEETED accordingly.
Geraldo River is pretty buff. It must be all of that vault opening he does in his spare time.
Am I the only one horrified that Justin Bieber’s poop tweet got 170k retweets?
I really wish/hope Rush Limbaugh did say that. Funny as hell, in any case.
Pingback: How to Compose the Greatest Tweet | Unlikely Story.
Reblogged this on Unlikely Story. and commented:
On that note, please follow me on twitter https://twitter.com/neigh_oh_me
I poop too.
So that’s where I’ve been going wrong!!! Thank you for showing me the error of my ways! 😀
Here is my tweet:
I’m pooping right now #thisshitfeelsgood