To all of the bad Mothas out there, please accept a Mother’s Day gift that keeps on giving: the key ingredients to write an amazing rap song. When you rake in millions for your ghetto fabulous track, I ask that you please send me 35% of your earnings.
How to Write a Rap Song
1. Establish yourself: You must, and I repeat MUST, yell out your area code between 4-6 times throughout your song. If you don’t, people won’t know where you’re from. Helpful hint: if you hail from a small suburb, use the big city’s area code instead. Street cred is everything.
2. Brand yourself: Once you’ve recorded one song, thereby establishing yourself, begin referring to yourself by nickname only. “Ursher, baby!” “It’s Weezie!” “HOVA!” Additionally, it’s important to have a gesture or sign to accompany the name.
Jay-Z throws up his “Hova” sign, as does the large man in the background. Contrary to popular belief, Jay-Z is not a Geometry teacher with an affinity for the triangle.
3. Announce yourself: Insert a distinct mating call as part of your lyrics. If you really want to compete in today’s rap game, you’ve got to stand out. The easiest way to do this is to yell out something incoherent. I have no idea what Pitbull is yelling in every. one. of his songs, but it sounds a lot like “dolly.” For some reason, I don’t think that’s what he’s saying, but he has a lot of money, so let’s go with it.
4. Rhyme party with Bacardi: It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about, just throw these two words together and you’ve got yourself a platinum album.
5. Opposites attract: Depending on the level of your bad ass-ness, you’ll want to collaborate with someone who is a stark contrast to you. If you’re a Will Smith kind of rapper (i.e.: you will drop eff-bombs in your movies, but not on your albums), you’re gonna wanna go ahead and grab Lil’ Wayne. If he’s still alive. Is he alive? Anyway, if you’re more Eminem-esque, (i.e.: every other word out of your mouth is one that would make your grandmother cry), try hooking up with someone like Carrie Underwood. The lyrics will sound something like this:
Carrie: Reach for the moon/ Even if you miss, you’ll land among a pick-up truck I bashed in with a baseball bat.
Eminem: I’ll set dat bitch on fire/ You’ll find her in my mother f*ckin trunk/ I’ll do it ‘cuz I love ma daughters.
The duo is so crazy that it will work; white kids everywhere will love it.
6. Brag: Buy a push-button car, expensive clothes, or black diamonds and rap about them. A lot. And then remind all of the other poor, struggling rappers that they’re nothing until they’ve got gold in their mouth and chains on their neck. This may incite a string of thefts, but it’s in the name of music rap.
7. Get poetic: Figurative language goes a long way. 50 Cent gets it: “I love you like a fat kid loves cake.” What’s up now, Emerson? Rapper Drake prefers the metaphorical route: “the game needs change and I’m the cashier.” Can you get with this, Whitman?
8. Come up from nothing: If you’re middle-class, attended school on a regular basis, and/or volunteered in the neighborhood watch, you are not eligible for come-uppance.
9. Hate someone or something: The police, the president, me–just focus your intense hatred on something and throw it into every song.
10. Fake it: If you can’t come up with a title, a track, a hook–whatever, just steal it. In the music community, this is called “sampling.” In the creative community, this is called a “cop-out.” Either way, it pays trillions.
Happy rapping, bitchez.
Pingback: Masturbation and Rap Music
I got a good rhyme to go with purple drink, but I’m stuck on something to rhyme with suburbia, minivan. and college fund. Any help is appreciated as I’m in need of those duckets for my 401K beeotch! This is going to be gosh darned epic!
I’m going to randomly scream out “Play date” during my songs. And dance like I’m pushing a stroller. I predict a hit.
Fo’ sho’!!!!
Hmmm…
Get in my minivan,
Man.
Gotta pay for kids’ braces
Get outta the rat races
412!!!!! (area code shout-out as per requirements)
College fund BITCH?!
Thank you! I’m well on my way to being a rap star right now as we speak. I owe it all to you…
Just don’t forget to send me my cash-money.
Word.
When I first saw the title of this, I thought “hey this is something Steph should totally read”. And then I found out you wrote the damn thing!!! I am totally down and plan to work on a rap TODAY. Holla!!
Haha! You know good when you read it, Penny! 😉
Can my hate be for the kids next door running up and down the steps? That’s a legitimate rap song, right?
Oh hellllls yeah
Word.
This is “SICK” dude! 🙂 Brilliant!
Well played with the use of sick, brickhousechick. Very nicely played.
#4 is my favorite. Also love that Lil Wayne meme. I’m genuinely impressed with your rap knowledge.
He’s not a rapper, but I would also add to turn your name into a jingle like Jason Derulo. Can you read that name without singing it?
Excellent point, Jill Pinnnneeellllllaaaaaa. Sorry, married name. Doesn’t work as well.
Lol agreed
You. Are. SO AWESOME.
You give me too much credit. I just know a lot of stuff about a lot of crap that doesn’t matter 😉
Pingback: Always a Party In The Motha Hood Yo’ | Mom Rants and Comfy Pants
Damn my middle-class, suburban upbringing and AARP membership! Now I’ll never be a rapper (and that’s a damn shame, I already figured out a killer rhyme for “colonoscopy”).
You’re my favorite, 1pointperspective 🙂
Aww shucks…now I’m blushing! Also, due to my failing memory, I’ve forgotten my rhyme for colonoscopy…I knew I should have written it down.
Reciprocity? Animosity? Autopsy?
I’m impressed! Threatened by your skillz, but impressed nonetheless.
We’ll have to have a battle. In 3-2-1…it’s a rap-off!
I’m stuck with rhymes for purple, orange and wolf.
Rhyming not including in the ingredients. You’ll need to purchase the extended copy of the How-to manual for those gems 😉
Can I get a second-hand copy of ebay?
Absolutely! That’ll be $100 and a weekend babysitting stint.
Pingback: It’s the Weekend – Wuzz Up?? | Mom Rants and Comfy Pants
This post is absolutely hilarious! But I love the follow up conversations even more. I’m inspired. Lol!
I agree! The readers are MAKING this post!
Number 8 is very reminscent of a current song that Drake has out: “started from the bottom now we here!” Except HE didn’t start from the metaphorical bottom…
Anyway this is a great post! With these tips, I’m set! You can even get 50% of my earnings when I go platinum! 🙂
FIFTY?!!
Holla at ya gurl!
ooooooh eeeeem geee!! I’m dwl over here!!
Can an inner-city teacher from the 901 get a piece of this?!
—
Meri Jaan
Twitter – @merijaanblog
FB FanPage – http://www.facebook.com/MeriJaanBlog
FB – http://www.facebook.com/merijannblog
Omg, loving ur blog, u cracked me up…..:)
Reblogged this on japer12's Blog.
I needed that laugh – thank you
‘Tis a pleasure m’lady 😉
Reblogged this on lkmf.