How to Talk About Game of Thrones If You’ve Never Seen Game of Thrones

You’re out and about, living your life. You’re looking to post a cute and snappy status update on Facebook like “Sunday? More like Wineday, amirite ladies” when your newsfeed is suddenly inundated with updates like these:

gameupdate

Oh Wildlingballs! Another season of Game of Thrones has started, and once again you will have nothing to talk about at Friday’s happy hour. You don’t get HBO. You attempted the books, but the pages and pages of the various Houses were enough to make you turn to Honey Boo Boo for brain sugar.

But not all is lost. Winter isn’t coming yet. These following steps will help you carry on a Game of Thrones conversation like a Dothraki Khal with a 48-inch long braid.*

*Full disclosure: I’ve read the first two books and just started the third and have no idea what the godswood is going on half the time or who anyone is.

1. The story. I’m not going to lie to you, there are about 700 to 14,256 storylines. There are the Seven Kingdoms, and that has imploded into civil war. Everyone hates everyone and is just stabbing with knives all over the place. About six guys think they should be king and the King’s Landing king is the worst person fictional or living. There’s the Wall and the world beyond the Wall, which is creeping with zombies and giants and rotting zombie horses and wildlings who wear camouflage animal skins, and snow, just shitloads of snow. Oh, and the wildlings, et al., want to war it up with the Seven Kingdom people. And then there’s this woman–she basically birthed some dragons–who also believes she’s entitled to the throne because her crazy-ass now-dead father was king. She wants to get her war on too. Your best bet is to say something like: “War, what is it good for?” and then hold up your hand for the inevitable high-five.

2. The characters. Okay so there are a lot of characters, somewhere between 175 to 134,562. There are the Starks, the Baratheons, the Lannisters, the Targaryens, the Flintstones and the Crawleys to name a few. They all have ancestors and long involved backstories. Unless you’re an avid fan, you spend much of the time saying “Oh it’s that guy! You know, the one who was kicked out by King Rat Face? Now he’s joining up with blondie!” There are really only two crucial things to know about the characters:

You hate King Joffrey.

kingassface

You love Tyrion Lannister. He is the only Lannister you like.

tyrion

3. The Geography. The Seven Kingdoms is made up of seven places…I think. You need to know Winterfell, King’s Landing and maybe Harrenhal–only because there’s so much torture and killing there. You can seem really knowledgable if you say something like “Jesus, sometimes I’d rather be a cook in Harrenhal than work in this office” and hold up your hand for the inevitable high-five. It wouldn’t hurt to toast “To Winterfell!”

The Wall is an actual wall that protects the Seven Kingdoms from the “wildlings” and “the others” and “Frosty the Snowman.” When men “take the black,” they give up everything including the figurative and literal Snooki to patrol a giant block of ice. Do not confuse these men with the men in black and mention anything about loving Will Smith’s sunglasses.

The dragon lady Daenerys Targaryen is in the east in some desert lands that have various names that I can neither spell nor remember. You’ll be fine if you say something like “Wow, just wait till she shows up with those dragons, huh? High five.”

4. Catchphrases. Believe it or not, they exist. Many of the characters are very long-winded, but some are known for their brevity like Ned Stark (when he had a head). He liked to say “Winter is coming,” which loosely translates to “Shit is going down.” It might be a cool thing to say if layoffs are rumored. You will look really deep. “A Lannister always pays his debts” is good to throw out when picking up the next round.

5. King Jerkface. This may be the best subject to stick to in a Game of Thrones conversation. He is a repugnant turdball cesspooled assjerk. I feel bad for the actor because I imagine he’s a nice fellow who would seem moderately attractive, but now represents everything that is awful about humanity. Just merely saying you wish for Joffrey’s slow and agonizing death will win you a friend for life.

joffreysucks___________________________________________________________________

My suns and stars, do you have a desire to write for The Official How To Blog? Drop me an email and watch your winter turn to summer.

The Official How To Blog is your one true source of all information and dothraki.

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81 thoughts on “How to Talk About Game of Thrones If You’ve Never Seen Game of Thrones

  1. After reading this, how can I NOT want to watch King JerkAssFace get his comeuppance. He does, right? In the first scene maybe? I’ve heard this show is full of surprise beheadings….

  2. I love it! I have no idea what this show is, and thankfully neither does my inner circle! I read your blog every morning, sitting on my front porch. Laptop open, coffee in hand and cigarette not far behind, I find myself laughing hysterically at your witty remarks and sarcastic humor. I always think to myself “I’d love to be able to write like this” and then argue with myself about being ‘unique’. So now I know to follow the masses and hate King Joffrey, love the little guy and wish for a home like (which kingdom was it again?). I’ve heard of this as much as that 50 Shades of Grey and think that I’m happily going to skip over this read fest and spend my time walking the winter weight around my mid-section off instead of holing up on the couch. Thanks for another great post to make me laugh and think…..You rock!

      • you are a riot! No, no I think I will pass on the 50 Shades convo around the water cooler. I have the book collecting dust on the shelf, a ‘gift’ from an avid fan….She insisted I read it, you know because she likes it so I in turn MUST love it. Like Oprah plugging her monthly book club pick… I won’t get in to the annoyance of someone pushing their likes on to me, but to say the least I haven’t cracked the cover. I did however read the attached post. In the words of Peter Griffin. “It was a gas.” Thanks for sharing! Can’t wait to read tomorrow’s post!

  3. Oh, crap, there’s no way I could read those books. Did you see, like, the pages? And plots? And billions of characters? My brain can’t handle that crap. I mean, it couldn’t even before I read 50 Shades. My message to many adult fantasy authors: I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE POETRY IN THE GRASS GET ON WITH IT.

    Even though I’ve not read the books or watched any of the show, I can say I already knew that little punk Joffrey guy was an asshat. So I’m good there.

  4. I read all the books, but what with all the drugs I did in the ’80s, the boozing I did throughout the ’90s, and now menopause, who can remember? I shall keep this guide handy! Thank you.

  5. I meant to ask, could you write one for “Walking Dead”? I hate that show, but really feel like an outsider at work. Thanks.

  6. There can be nothing wrong with something that makes you want to drink copious amounts of wine and occasionally behead someone. They cut to the chase, we can all learn something in today’s blithering world, instead of tutting when someone is blocking my path on the underground I can accuse them of treason and behead them.

  7. This was so How-To Terrific that I need a How-To guide to read this and come out the other side without scratching my head and needed a re-read. Game of Thrones is for saps. Now let’s talk Sons of Anarchy here!

  8. There is supposedly a beheading-to-naked-boobie ratio which the producers strictly adhere to like came from on-high from a medeival queen with bleached blond hair and dragons (and boobies).

  9. The closest I’ve come to seeing Game of Thrones is checking to see whether it’s available on Netflix (it isn’t) — but even I can tell that having the Crawleys as one of the families would be awesome.

  10. LOL.. that was a fun read.

    I have already finished all the current 5 books and planning to re-read them again, yes I am a geek :).

    Go House Atriedes.. opps that’s a wrong book 🙂

  11. I love this. You’re absolutely right. That terrible little excuse for a human, let alone a king, needs to die immediately! On a brighter note, that actor absolutely nails that role. They couldn’t have animated a better character.

  12. CRAP! (Literally.) I thought “Game of Thrones” was a game I invented where I test which toilets in my local mall clog easily after a high-fiber dinner. (Macy’s toilets. Always Macy’s toilets)

    There goes my idea and trademark. Next you’re going to tell me that “Arrested Development” isn’t a show about how being incarcerated affects breast growth. You are “nipping” my dreams, here.

    My mind has been blown.

    Nonetheless, thanks for the tips. This isn’t as fun as my version of Game of Thrones, but it’s easier on the rectum than my game is.

    And Joffrey looks like a total douche-face. Let’s hope HIS winter is coming. Judging by his pale face, homeboy sees a lot of winter but not enough of the inside of a tanning bed.

    Lisa Newlin
    Embarrassing myself so you don’t have to. You’re welcome
    http://lisanewlin.com

      • Duh. Of course it’s a drinking game. Are there any other kinds of games? At least other fun ones?

        I stumbled upon this site because of another site that asked for people to comments on the funniest sites they enjoy. Someone suggested my site, and I was honored, so I wanted to see what other sites were on my very prestigious level of writing and analyzing. I knew it was a level few could attain.

        I was thrilled to find you not only attained it but exceeded it (an allegation I will deny later). This page is hysterical and I’m so glad I found it.

        If I ever come up with a topic, I would love to submit it to you. I just hope I can live up to the humor!

        And I’m on the trademark thing. Here’s a link to another drinking game I came up for when watching The Bachelor and/or The Bachelorette. It’s gold. Pure gold(schlager).

        http://lisanewlin.com/2012/06/the-bachelorbachelorette-drinking-game-im-going-to-copyright-this/

        CHEERS!

  13. High Fives all round! This is a great compendium for those foolish enough not to want to watch GOT or who – like me – can barely remember the 14’784 plot lines…

  14. I didn’t even know that this was a TV series before a couple of weeks ago, so thanks for this vital summary. I’m not going to lie – my brain started to hurt about 2 sentences in to the first paragraph, so I had to stop reading on the advice of my doctor.

    But I have memorized “Tyrion Lannister is the only Lannister I like” so I can sound relevant if the topic arises.

  15. I love Game of thrones, even has the theme song as my ring tone. Was that too much information? Well I never thought it to be funny until reading this post. I am still laughing at ALL HAIL KING ASS FACE, having to retype this comment three times. I also feel sorry for this actor as the only option he has now is to colour his hair black,grow a moustache and hope they are planning to make a movie of Hitler, the early years….

    You forgot to mention that another high five would be for saying anything about a sex scene. Any random comment would hold true.

  16. Pingback: Praise Sunday: Best Blog Posts of the Week | I am a heathen.

  17. So, looking at the pics you have of Kind whoozit here, I am surprised. The kingdom of whatsitsname has a teenybopper for a ruler? He looks like a baby! Or am I just getting old?

  18. I am sending this to my brother so he knows I’m trying my hardest to translate his newfangled pig latin. I love Peter Dinklage, does that count? I always sort of imagined that I could throw off any Game of Thrones geeks by just yelling out a handful of J.R.R. Tolkien lines — because they’re really the same people, are they not?

  19. Game of Thrones wouldn’t be that hard to understand, if they wouldn’t jump around between plotlines so much. Each one is fairly simple, but they’re all presented at once.
    Like a whole but of tangled string: each piece is easy, but all together they’re a big mess.

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