How To Tell If You’re Crazy

Today’s guest post is brought to you Victoria Sawyer of Victoria’s Angst.

Because I’m a certified crazy person myself, I am uniquely qualified to spot the crazy in others. Let’s start the assessment, no I said, let’s start the assessment. Listen to me…Do it. NOW!:

1. Your alcohol consumption. Does the alcohol actually talk to you? Does it beg to be sipped, delicately or does it demand to be chugged ASAP to drown out the fears?

2. Your tics. Do you feel the need to count stairs, or cracks or to have things aligned perfectly? Do you feel the need to organize things, control things, take control, be in control. CONTROL!

3. Your perception. Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, “who is that person staring back at me? It’s certainly NOT me. I’m an 18 year old super model. In my head, I’m whoever I wanna be! I am not this gross crummy aging body. WHAT GIVES!”

4. Your insomnia. Have you ever had trouble sleeping due to “brain seizures” or what I like to refer to as the kind of brain that needs to STFU? Do your thoughts race? Is your brain far too crowded? Are there too many people in there? Do you think your brain is out to get you? Can you feel it plotting in the night about how to ruin your life? Does it shoot drugs when you’re not around? Does it get irrational and talk at you when you should be sleeping? Does it stand outside the shower like in Psycho waiting for the right moment to plunge in the knife? Are you afraid?

5. Your emotional state. Do you get into rages that last for days while cursing the existence of everyone around you? Do you feel that the world or your co-workers are “out to get you” and constantly plotting your downfall with every email? Are you having a bad day? Is everyday a bad day? Do you want to curl up in bed and never leave except than the thoughts begin to molest you and everything is 100 times worse?

6. Your heartbeat. Have you ever had a racing heart? No, not that one time you got on the Stairmaster by accident at the gym. That doesn’t count. I mean…like, for NO reason whatsoever?! Like, you’re sitting there at work, typing a boring email to a coworker (who you swear is plotting your demise by typing one word answers, like OK! with annoying exclamation marks) when suddenly out of the blue a full blown heart attack throttles your neck until you’re gasping for air like a beached whale?

7. Your hobbies. Do you have the desire to take “drugs” to escape from your life? Have you ever wanted to enter a fantasy land populated by unicorns and leprechauns or by people who have perfect sex all the time, like tandem triple-axel orgasms (which by the by, we know NEVER happen in real life)?

8. Your interpersonal relationships. Do you no longer venture into public? Sometimes when you are at the grocery store and you see that person you haven’t seen in oh about 100 years, do you think, “OMG, I can’t talk to them. HIDE. HIDE! The conversation would be too long, I don’t want to talk, can’t talk. CONTROL!!”

9. Your hypochondria.Do you fear that you could be “dying” or that you have some kind of terrible illness? Have you ever been sitting in your living room watching Doomsday Preppers and suddenly noticed that your arm hurts, like at the wrist and your first thought is of your everyday garden variety carpal tunnel syndrome due to excessively typing out your thoughts to get them out of your head, but then your mind gets the better of you (damn mind!) and you’re convinced you have a very rare form of wrist/bone cancer and the only cure would be eating a whole tube of ice cream?

10. Your hygiene. Are you afraid of germs? Do you build a bird’s nest in the bathroom? Do you wash your hands obsessively? Do you realize that if you wash your hands it HARDLY MATTERS because within moments your hands are as disgusting or worse than whatever happened in the bathroom? Do you realize that WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIEEEE!!

11. Your tolerance. Do certain words of phrases bother you? Have you ever wanted to kick someone in the teeth who said LOL. Or OMG or panties? Do you obsessively correct grammar in others? Are you hyper critical of yourself and others? Have you ever…JUDGED? Have you ever realized that you made a mistake and then spent the rest of the day thrashing yourself, wishing you had a hair shirt and a whip to beat yourself into submission with?

12. Your brain. Is your brain your worst enemy and your best friend? Do you have a closet full of scribbled journals with words like, Let ME OUT, TOO many thoughts! Characters talking, must transcribe conversation, because your mom always said, “write that down so someday you can take it to your therapist!”

 Interesting answers. Hmm…yes. I see. Ok. Fascinating. Let me tally up the responses. Now this is strange, give me a moment. Stop harassing me. I’m thinking. LEAVE me alone. Ok.

My judgment analysis deduction conclusion diagnosis educated guess is that you are either a Writer or you are certified Crazy. Congratulations! We’ll be mailing out certificates for your wall shortly, a la the ones your psychiatrist has that say P.h.D which we all know stands for Phuddy- duddy. Yea! Join the crazy train as we twirl around the room to Love Shack! 

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