How To Tell If You’re Crazy

Today’s guest post is brought to you Victoria Sawyer of Victoria’s Angst.

Because I’m a certified crazy person myself, I am uniquely qualified to spot the crazy in others. Let’s start the assessment, no I said, let’s start the assessment. Listen to me…Do it. NOW!:

1. Your alcohol consumption. Does the alcohol actually talk to you? Does it beg to be sipped, delicately or does it demand to be chugged ASAP to drown out the fears?

2. Your tics. Do you feel the need to count stairs, or cracks or to have things aligned perfectly? Do you feel the need to organize things, control things, take control, be in control. CONTROL!

3. Your perception. Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, “who is that person staring back at me? It’s certainly NOT me. I’m an 18 year old super model. In my head, I’m whoever I wanna be! I am not this gross crummy aging body. WHAT GIVES!”

4. Your insomnia. Have you ever had trouble sleeping due to “brain seizures” or what I like to refer to as the kind of brain that needs to STFU? Do your thoughts race? Is your brain far too crowded? Are there too many people in there? Do you think your brain is out to get you? Can you feel it plotting in the night about how to ruin your life? Does it shoot drugs when you’re not around? Does it get irrational and talk at you when you should be sleeping? Does it stand outside the shower like in Psycho waiting for the right moment to plunge in the knife? Are you afraid?


5. Your emotional state. Do you get into rages that last for days while cursing the existence of everyone around you? Do you feel that the world or your co-workers are “out to get you” and constantly plotting your downfall with every email? Are you having a bad day? Is everyday a bad day? Do you want to curl up in bed and never leave except than the thoughts begin to molest you and everything is 100 times worse?

6. Your heartbeat. Have you ever had a racing heart? No, not that one time you got on the Stairmaster by accident at the gym. That doesn’t count. I mean…like, for NO reason whatsoever?! Like, you’re sitting there at work, typing a boring email to a coworker (who you swear is plotting your demise by typing one word answers, like OK! with annoying exclamation marks) when suddenly out of the blue a full blown heart attack throttles your neck until you’re gasping for air like a beached whale?

7. Your hobbies. Do you have the desire to take “drugs” to escape from your life? Have you ever wanted to enter a fantasy land populated by unicorns and leprechauns or by people who have perfect sex all the time, like tandem triple-axel orgasms (which by the by, we know NEVER happen in real life)?

8. Your interpersonal relationships. Do you no longer venture into public? Sometimes when you are at the grocery store and you see that person you haven’t seen in oh about 100 years, do you think, “OMG, I can’t talk to them. HIDE. HIDE! The conversation would be too long, I don’t want to talk, can’t talk. CONTROL!!”

9. Your hypochondria.Do you fear that you could be “dying” or that you have some kind of terrible illness? Have you ever been sitting in your living room watching Doomsday Preppers and suddenly noticed that your arm hurts, like at the wrist and your first thought is of your everyday garden variety carpal tunnel syndrome due to excessively typing out your thoughts to get them out of your head, but then your mind gets the better of you (damn mind!) and you’re convinced you have a very rare form of wrist/bone cancer and the only cure would be eating a whole tube of ice cream?

10. Your hygiene. Are you afraid of germs? Do you build a bird’s nest in the bathroom? Do you wash your hands obsessively? Do you realize that if you wash your hands it HARDLY MATTERS because within moments your hands are as disgusting or worse than whatever happened in the bathroom? Do you realize that WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIEEEE!!

11. Your tolerance. Do certain words of phrases bother you? Have you ever wanted to kick someone in the teeth who said LOL. Or OMG or panties? Do you obsessively correct grammar in others? Are you hyper critical of yourself and others? Have you ever…JUDGED? Have you ever realized that you made a mistake and then spent the rest of the day thrashing yourself, wishing you had a hair shirt and a whip to beat yourself into submission with?

12. Your brain. Is your brain your worst enemy and your best friend? Do you have a closet full of scribbled journals with words like, Let ME OUT, TOO many thoughts! Characters talking, must transcribe conversation, because your mom always said, “write that down so someday you can take it to your therapist!”

 Interesting answers. Hmm…yes. I see. Ok. Fascinating. Let me tally up the responses. Now this is strange, give me a moment. Stop harassing me. I’m thinking. LEAVE me alone. Ok.

My judgment analysis deduction conclusion diagnosis educated guess is that you are either a Writer or you are certified Crazy. Congratulations! We’ll be mailing out certificates for your wall shortly, a la the ones your psychiatrist has that say P.h.D which we all know stands for Phuddy- duddy. Yea! Join the crazy train as we twirl around the room to Love Shack! 


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46 thoughts on “How To Tell If You’re Crazy

  1. After reading this, I am now convinced I am certifiably cray cray. Thanks for the free diagnosis!! This is free, right?

  2. Pingback: How To Tell If You’re Crazy | Angst

  3. My hypothalamus is very sarcastic, but my frontal lobe is super complimentary. I’ve asked the beer that screams for me to chug them what hey think, but all they say is DRINK, DRINK, DRINK!! I’m ok though, right?

    • Sure you sound completely sane and normal. 100%. Just listen to the soothing voices of the beer and everything will be fine. By the by…your hypothalamus sounds right up my alley, although the frontal lobe sounds pretty cool too because who doesn’t like compliments! The brain is awesome!!

      • In my head I’m still strawberry blond and tan, and a very fit 125lbs. Then I pass a reflective shop window, see my reflection and always…ALWAYS…experience surprise and shock. And then I’m bummed for days. I fully expect to wake up in the morning refreshed and alert and happy to jump out of bed, but then the alarm goes off and I step out and thing WHY do my feet hurt so badly and my brain have tired fog??! But still, it’s normal, not crazy.

  4. if that is crazy Victoria, then I am batshit mental…I had convinced myself that this was normal and I won’t have me tell me otherwise..or you over there..not again anyway..

    • The brain likes to tell you that you’re normal. Just go with what feels right. Normal, crazy, batshit crazy, it’s all the same shit at the end of the day! It’s called HUMAN. Yup. Even those people I thought were the epitome of normal, nope, their the ones counting stairs or multiplying numbers constantly and that other group, they’re trying to straighten my desk to make it line up with the tiles on the floor. Or there are people like me…just plain hyperactive, talkative, anxious nuts. All crazy. I do like..”have me tell me otherwise.” I’ll tell me that me is nutsssss! hahahaha.

  5. Holy cannoli! Are you in my brain with this one? Have you ever wanted to kick someone in the teeth who said LOL. Or OMG or panties? Do you obsessively correct grammar in others?

    I’m impressed. And a little frightened.

    • Ha…I’m one of the little voices in your head, so I hear all this shit and then i have to write it down… Actually, I’m not sure what my problem with LOL is. I don’t mind if others are LOLing all over the place, or the floor or whatever, I just can’t personally LOL. I think maybe it just missed me or something. Oh wait..well I can laugh out loud. I can do that…I just can’t LOL. Ya know??

  6. Lol, Love this post. (P.S., i just noticed the person above me wants to kick me in the teeth for writing LOL). Anyhoo, sometimes I think I’m going crazy as well…I’ve been having bizarre dreams about me joining Cirque Du Soleil lately, perfecting the art of being a french clown.

    • LW seriously you’re gonna have to pay for that LOL. Remember when J/K was cool or maybe it was JK? JUST KIDDING!!! HAHA. Also imagining you and Cirque Du Soleil just put weird thoughts into my head…like LW twirling on those long sashes or whatever those things are. ha…I almost want to LOL. almost…but I can’t do it.

  7. Unfortunely I have notices a lot of this behaviours myself..:( I keep on thinking that if u don t hurt anybody u can allow yourself to be a little crazy…:)

    • Oh yes, crazy is definitely allowed as long as you only harm yourself. Oh wait…that still sounds wrong. As long as no one is harmed in the making of the crazy, everything is all good.

  8. The voices in my head were arguing the other day. The one who kind of sounds like Walter Cronkite was telling me to eat more fiber, and then the one who sounds like Paul Lynde started ridiculing Walter and calling him names. Walter said he wouldn’t stand for such blatant disrespect and challenged Paul to a duel. They meet at dawn tomorrow in front of the candy store near my corpus callosum. The voice that sounds like the guy in the Dos Equis commercials just mutters about the stock market. I’m not crazy, but a couple of those voices may be a little unstable.

    • That’s just too freaking awesome for words. I can’t decide who should win the duel, nevermind what happens to you if one of them wins? It is all about honor though, so I hope the best man wins.

  9. I’m really quite upset that no one has commented on the tandum triple axel orgasms. I mean really people…it doesn’t happen, but it sounds cool right? It’s not though, it’s really really not. Damn those fictional characters!

    • Don’t worry, Victoria. It’s not that we didn’t NOTICE them: it’s that we’re all so awestruck by the very IDEA that our hearts are pounding in triple-axle tandem time and it’s making our carpal tunnel act up so typing isn’t so easy…no, wait…WTF…I think I have that….no, it can’t be….ARRRRGGHHHH!!!!! IT IS!!!! It’s that effing horrible rare form of wrist bone cancer, and it’s all your fault, so I hope you’re happy!!!! (Oh, left brain, STFU and get back to work….Yeah, right, right brain, you can’t find your ass with both hands, a map, and a flashlight, so what makes you think…..)

      • The rare form of wrist bone cancer is really quite deadly. I hope you’ve taken the right amount of time to obsess over it, otherwise it certainly won’t go away.

  10. I have this friend and she wants to know if her crazy is measured by how many points on the list she suffers from. Please let me know. So I can tell her. My friend. Not me. I’m totally sane.

    • Tell your “friend” that it is measured by how many points you hit on the list. As mentioned above, winner takes all…the crazy that is. But I’m gonna give you a massive run for your money, I mean your friends money. Yeah…that.

  11. Reblogged this on Bipolar For Life and commented:
    OK so I’m trying to avoid writing the next post in the Child Abuse series by reblogging other people’s awesome posts. I admit it. Maybe tomorrow I will find the strength to go on with what I know I must do, but for now…..enjoy this hilarious and enlightening “How-To” post!

  12. Awesome Victoria, I laughed at so many points (and then nearly cried as I thought “damn… that’s me…”)

  13. You’ve just saved me a very expensive course of psychotherapy which I was hoping would inform me whether I’m crazy or not, but having read this I realise I am in fact a lunatic. A bad one. So thank you. I am now going to tie the sleeves of my shirt together to form a straightjacket and sit on the floor against the fridge and mumble quietly to myself.

    • Thank you most sincerely for putting that lovely picture into my mind. I probably should do the same with my shirt sleeves. DIY straighjackets are all the rage for self-proclaimed crazies. Besides you really can’t trust a sane person to tell you, you’re crazy, you need to trust a crazy person (who else knows crazy so well?). I mean you wouldn’t trust your clogged pipes to a University professor would you, you’d call in a danged plumber. Am I right or is this logic flawed? Wait…all my logic is flawed…

  14. Everything you described seems fairly normal. Kind of like describing an individual. What happens if you regularly hear things that other people don’t admit to hearing, but you have trouble accepting that what you hear, supposedly isn’t real? For example, I frequently hear people yelling at me to pay attention at work, yet nobody in my department can hear them. Even the managers can’t hear them, and the people saying these things, when I talk to them in person, have no clue. Am I being bullied, or am I hallucinating?

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