How to Not Get Caught in the Doritos Taco Hype

I nearly shit my pants when I heard Taco Bell will be adding a new Dorito taco flavor on Aug. 22. I realize that this is a common reaction associated with Taco Bell.

And then I realized, I needed to tamper down my excitement and lower my expectations. Yes it is a meat byproduct lovingly enveloped in a processed, MSG-ladened corn taco. Yes, America is still a leader in innovation and synergy-ation. Yes, I would be consuming my annual allotment of sodium in one bite.

But, gentle reader, there is more to life like:

  • butterflies
  • The Act of Killing, a documentary about remoreless killers in Indonesia
  • Bridezillas marathons on WeTV

It’s hard not to be excited when you learn that the new flavor is “Volcanic Assblaster.” I’ve just been informed that I am wrong. The new flavor is “Fiery” although I believe my guess rings true in a digestive sense.

It is very easy to be swept away in the Doritos Taco hype–to be the first to display your orange-hued finger like an Iraqi voting in his first election. This guide will help you above all remain calm and digestively sound.

1. You know when Taco Bell sounds good? At 2 a.m. after a night of mind-altering substances. The mind-altering substances have altered your mind to a point where that burrito tastes like a tenderloin birthed by a lobster.  On Aug. 22, refrain from all mind-altering substances.

2. Although it may be tempting, do not become friends with Doritos on Facebook or follow it on Twitter. Doritos is kind of a drama queen and you do not want any taco drama.

Scientific proof:

tacosadness

and

tacodrama

and

taconickel

3. Pick Aug. 22 as the day you actually take advantage of that gym membership you’ve been paying for and not using for two years. You can spend an hour on the elliptical or take Hula Hoop swing dance spin class. When you focus on your health, you will less likely be inclined to suck on the orange grease gushing from your Dorito taco.

4. Move to a country that does not have a Taco Bell. That would be….um…..Indonesia? Watch out for those remoreless killers.

5. Watch or read some food-related book that really examines the American food system. Be aware that this will result in you never eating again.

6. Break dance contest.

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Want to read more from Speaker7? You don’t?!? What the fuck is wrong with you?

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How to Overcome Writer’s Block

Writer’s block is an affliction that affects most writers. Writers who say they never suffer from writer’s block should be pelted with raw hamburger meat and thrown into an alligator pit. When it hits, you can feel anxious, and despair that you will never write anything again. But there are ways to overcome it without sacrificing your sanity in the process. Just follow these helpful steps:

1. Clear your head. Disconnect from all electronic devices. If you weren’t aware, the Internet is an extremely powerful distraction tool. Why, just when I was writing the previous sentence, I posted three status updates to Facebook, tweeted my 30-second trick to reduce belly fat, and watched a drunk kitten video on youtube. So what are we talking about? Um….

2. Oh, right! Writer’s block. Yes, so clear your head and disconnect from all electronic—just a sec…I’m getting a text…. “Wednesday, more like Wineday amirite, ladies” oh my god, I’m totally LOLing right now. I’m LOLing so much I’m PALOLing. That stands for Peeing And Laughing Out Loud. What should I write back? Fuck! That’s right I have writer’s block. . . I’ve got nothing. If only there was some way to overcome writer’s block. . .

3. Did you know happyplace.com does these “If Game of Thrones Took Place on Facebook” recaps? They are awesome. And a quick read…wait! I’ve been on the internet for 10 hours?!? What day is it? Is it still Wineday?

4. Okay…okay. We are totally focusing right now and by “We” I mean, me and that marble that keeps rolling around inside my head. It is very distracting. Before I continue with the steps, I’m going to quickly hop onto medlineplus.com, type in my symptoms and diagnose myself with cancer. Hm…it turns out I have writer’s block. If only there was some way to overcome writer’s block. . .

5. I should eat something. I’ve had six cups of coffee in the last 30 seconds and just did the cinnamon stick challenge–a tweak of the dangerous cinnamon challenge–for a youtube video. I’m a little jumpy, and why the fuck has no one liked my status update on Facebook?!? I guess no one wants world hunger to end. That’s on you “friend.” People are so fucking selfish. Repost if you agree.

6. What is this list?

7. I actually went back and reread what I wrote to figure out what I’m writing. It took three hours because I had to help a “friend” harvest her goddamn tomatoes on her fake, fucking FarmVille farm. So, writer’s block . . . there are ways to overcome it. The first thing you should do is disconnect from all distractions like phones and computers–wait a sec. . . How could the tomatoes have died?!?!?!?

8. I’ll finish this later…Dance Moms is on.

dancemoms

How to Talk About Game of Thrones If You’ve Never Seen Game of Thrones

You’re out and about, living your life. You’re looking to post a cute and snappy status update on Facebook like “Sunday? More like Wineday, amirite ladies” when your newsfeed is suddenly inundated with updates like these:

gameupdate

Oh Wildlingballs! Another season of Game of Thrones has started, and once again you will have nothing to talk about at Friday’s happy hour. You don’t get HBO. You attempted the books, but the pages and pages of the various Houses were enough to make you turn to Honey Boo Boo for brain sugar.

But not all is lost. Winter isn’t coming yet. These following steps will help you carry on a Game of Thrones conversation like a Dothraki Khal with a 48-inch long braid.*

*Full disclosure: I’ve read the first two books and just started the third and have no idea what the godswood is going on half the time or who anyone is.

1. The story. I’m not going to lie to you, there are about 700 to 14,256 storylines. There are the Seven Kingdoms, and that has imploded into civil war. Everyone hates everyone and is just stabbing with knives all over the place. About six guys think they should be king and the King’s Landing king is the worst person fictional or living. There’s the Wall and the world beyond the Wall, which is creeping with zombies and giants and rotting zombie horses and wildlings who wear camouflage animal skins, and snow, just shitloads of snow. Oh, and the wildlings, et al., want to war it up with the Seven Kingdom people. And then there’s this woman–she basically birthed some dragons–who also believes she’s entitled to the throne because her crazy-ass now-dead father was king. She wants to get her war on too. Your best bet is to say something like: “War, what is it good for?” and then hold up your hand for the inevitable high-five.

2. The characters. Okay so there are a lot of characters, somewhere between 175 to 134,562. There are the Starks, the Baratheons, the Lannisters, the Targaryens, the Flintstones and the Crawleys to name a few. They all have ancestors and long involved backstories. Unless you’re an avid fan, you spend much of the time saying “Oh it’s that guy! You know, the one who was kicked out by King Rat Face? Now he’s joining up with blondie!” There are really only two crucial things to know about the characters:

You hate King Joffrey.

kingassface

You love Tyrion Lannister. He is the only Lannister you like.

tyrion

3. The Geography. The Seven Kingdoms is made up of seven places…I think. You need to know Winterfell, King’s Landing and maybe Harrenhal–only because there’s so much torture and killing there. You can seem really knowledgable if you say something like “Jesus, sometimes I’d rather be a cook in Harrenhal than work in this office” and hold up your hand for the inevitable high-five. It wouldn’t hurt to toast “To Winterfell!”

The Wall is an actual wall that protects the Seven Kingdoms from the “wildlings” and “the others” and “Frosty the Snowman.” When men “take the black,” they give up everything including the figurative and literal Snooki to patrol a giant block of ice. Do not confuse these men with the men in black and mention anything about loving Will Smith’s sunglasses.

The dragon lady Daenerys Targaryen is in the east in some desert lands that have various names that I can neither spell nor remember. You’ll be fine if you say something like “Wow, just wait till she shows up with those dragons, huh? High five.”

4. Catchphrases. Believe it or not, they exist. Many of the characters are very long-winded, but some are known for their brevity like Ned Stark (when he had a head). He liked to say “Winter is coming,” which loosely translates to “Shit is going down.” It might be a cool thing to say if layoffs are rumored. You will look really deep. “A Lannister always pays his debts” is good to throw out when picking up the next round.

5. King Jerkface. This may be the best subject to stick to in a Game of Thrones conversation. He is a repugnant turdball cesspooled assjerk. I feel bad for the actor because I imagine he’s a nice fellow who would seem moderately attractive, but now represents everything that is awful about humanity. Just merely saying you wish for Joffrey’s slow and agonizing death will win you a friend for life.

joffreysucks___________________________________________________________________

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