You have just started a blog. No one cares.
Follow these sure-fire steps to increase your readership tenfold. Do not be swayed by the fact that this blog has no followers. It will once I follow the steps that I will create from consulting a magic eight ball.
Step 1: Write about popular topics. Simply mentioning Fifty Shades will drive traffic to your blog. Do not worry. You do not have to actually read the book. Other popular topics:
- salsa
- the dust bowl
- sequestration
- VHS vs. Betamax
Step 2: Include pictures. People like to look at stuff, but good stuff not crap stuff. Design your own composite of Christian Grey (seriously Fifty Shades will get you hits). Something like this:
The smoldering combination of Donald Trump hair, Michele Bachmann eyes, Gonzo the Muppet nose and Gary Busey mouth. Holy cow!
Step 3: Douse your blog in generous amounts of Axe Body Spray.
Step 4: Ask people to follow your blog. When they attempt to brush you off, start crying and peeing. They will immediately agree to follow your blog to get you to stop. You can use this tactic in person too.
Step 5: Pretend your blog is more important than it really is. Give it a title like “The Official Something Or Other.” Readers like to think they’re following the work of someone important. Name-drop in posts as much as possible, for example, “I was peeing and crying with Gary Busey the other day…”
Step 6: Porn.
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Want to know how to do something? Ask The Official How To Blog for help.
Want to share your vast knowledge of insect excrement with the world? Write for The Official How To Blog, and experience all the satisfaction that comes with writing for free.
The Official How To Blog is the one-true source for all information and dietary needs.
The Official How To Blog 
I started doing my blog to avoid porn and alcoholism and now you recommend it, it being porn? Drive a fricking hammer through my brain. Thanks, Funny, keep it up.
I’m only writing what the magic eight ball tells me to. It’s all very scientific.
Oh my goodness gracious me, all of that stuff WORKS!! Because I am now following your blog! And you didn’t even have to pee yourself. Or did you….?
I might have peed a little, but that’s because I was thinking about Gary Busey, and that’s what normally happens.
Reblogged this on Speaker7 and commented:
Came across this new blog. It’s outstanding! Do I think this because I created it? That is as much of a mystery as what happened to the first six speakers. Don’t feel obligated to follow although I will engage in step 4 if you don’t, and it will be uncomfortable and awkward for all invovled. This blog is also looking for writers–unpaid of course because money corrupts all–so if interested, contact TOHTB today.
You have your finger on the pulse of the nation! This is so great. I think that you have something with the VHS vs. BetaMax thing, as long as you include the word “ejaculate” in the tags. Is that right?
I think you should write a How To post about proper tagging because tagging everything with “ejaculation” is pure brilliance.
You had me at Gonzo’s nose.
It does really make the face, doesn’t it?
No one cares. So true. It’s funny though, because once you have a lot of followers that’s when the pressure really starts.
Peeing also works in that instance when you’re feeling overwhelmed and want to impress.
VHS vs. Betamax! Of course, why didn’t I think of that? Here I was wasting my time on records vs. cassettes. No wonder readership is down.
If you focused more on records vs eight tracks, you would be onto something huge.
No debate there. Why listen to just one specific song when you can just listen to a group of four just to get to your favorite?
Well said magic eight ball, you’re on my list.
The magic eight ball is rarely wrong even when it’s stuck between pyramid sides and you can’t see an answer. That’s the answer.
I’ve tried the crying and peeing thing. Then husband never fell for it. Or rather, the crying thing only worked when I was tied up and dressed like Little Orphan Annie. The peeing thing worked when I was straddling his (for the rest of this comment, send a large sum of unmarked bills to my post office box).
If you turned this comment into a full-fledged post, you would attract readers.
At last, I’ve found a replacement for the Bible.
I’m glad you said this. I felt this about this blog, but I didn’t want to sound too braggy.
The Official How to Blog,
-> Be reblogged by Speaker7.
Le Clown
Le Clown,
Or garner the interest of a French clown.
THOTB
THOTB,
You’re on the right track.
Le Clown
You can also mention teenage romantic vampires. I am re-writing my unsold novel to include teenage romantic vampire love. (It’s replacing menopausal mood swings, so I am sure I am on the right track.)
That is a fantastic point although the vampires should be as sullen, sparkly and douchey as possible.
Holy crap, this is good stuff! I would have followed this blindly, even if you hadn’t been the author. When I finally start another blog, I’m going to try to remember to reblog it under the moniker of my original blog so that I can guarantee that at least 7 other people are aware of it.
As soon as I’m done kissing your ass*, I’m going to read How to Throw a Children’s Birthday Party. My kids are all grown, but I figure if I get good enough at throwing parties, the kids will show up, whether they know me or not.
* “How to kiss my ass” might be a decent topic for an upcoming post.
I was in bit of a Speaker7 rut. I blame the soul-crushing nature of The Bachelor. Maybe I’ll write a post on How to Not Let Your Blog Became a Recrapping Blog. The kiss ass one is pretty good too. I welcome you to write it if you would like to write for TOHTB.
You have a point with the 50 Shades thing. Work in lots of buttplug references, and you are gold, GOLD. I would love to write for this blog. I can help readers get “crack whore” listed as their number one search term.
I would be honored if you wanted to write a post for this blog–especially if it mentions the words “crack whore.” Please consider it.
Lots of good advice here for new bloggers like me. I used to try to hide my tears (both kinds) but resolve to do so no more! Thanks, TOHTB!
You will be nicely surprised by the results. Don’t forget to place some tarp on the ground first.
Gonzo’s nose looks like a penis. Got it – how to look like a penis without getting wet!
That will so have to be a How-To installment. I think you should have the honor of writing it.
I’d be thrilled and nauseated.
I kind of hate myself for following but feel unable to resist. Damn you, implacable logic!
Don’t beat yourself up. It’s the lure of the Axe Body Spray.
7. 124 Fake Profiles to a) boost your numbers and b) diss your enemies.
That’s not a bad idea. The trouble comes from when one of your fake profiles becomes one of your enemies.
Oooh! Oooh! Insect excrement. I can write about that. Pick me! Pick me!
Seriously, I can write about that, because I raise worms. I would be happy to post pictures of my worms’ excrement, if you would have me as a guest blogger.
Worms do count, right?
Also, I have baby worms, which are just so darned cuuuuuutttteee! I just want to knit them little tubular sweaters to keep them warm and toasty until the summertime. I think that would require 000-sized needles, and a microscope.
Also, I need to link to this blog on my post, OK?
I hope your serious because I just peed a little in excitement over the mere thought of an insect excrement how-to post. I will email you shortly because this will be as awesome as a beetle poop, which I’m thinking has to be good for the earth.
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I think the only misstep here is that some of the focus is on something other than Gary Busey.
Any thoughts on what he had for dinner last night?
You are wise beyond your years. The post really should have been “How To Write Only About Gary Busey.
I worked on two horrifying little low budget movies with Gary Busey. Our (the crews) nickname for him was “Scary A-Busey”. We loved him…well, no.
Babe Darla,
Maybe you would consider writing a post on How To Work with Gary Busey?
TOHTB
Is taint an acceptable popular topic?
Always.
Wow. Salsa!
It’s a hot-button issue.
This blog looks very promising, I’m following this one too. After 2 and a half years with a blog, I think it’s finally time to find out how to do it.
And by the way, I have a perfect (I think) guest post for TOHTB. Yes, it’s about blogging and, to answer your possible next question, yes, it’s a list of 10. I’ve been saving it for a special occasion, which would have been the time when I would have figured out how to make it relevant to either one of my 1.5 blogs. But I think TOHTB is a more special occasion. If interested, please e-mail me at listofxmail@gmail.com
I hope my steps will be helpful. I find Axe Body Spray works in many scenarios.
I am definitely interested in a List of X How To post. I’ll email you shortly.
I use the peeing tactic often – especially to get out of meetings.
I find that peeing helps stop the awkward small talk one engages in at the grocery store.
You can never go wrong with Gary Busey. And porn.
But not both together. On second thought… I think I have an idea for another blog! hot damn!!
Please let me know immediately when you launch your Gary Busey porn blog.
So, like, I’m renaming my blog to ‘The Official 50 Shades with Dorian Grey Blog’.
Christian, I mean. Or maybe adding ‘Dorian’ there will stop Karma from messing me up for this blasphemy.
I think you’d be safe with “The Official Laters Baby Blog” or “The Official Butt Plug Blog.”
Ooh I really like your suggestions. I have to run them by my agent and PR team but I’m sure they’ll agree to change it.
I really never expected Donald Trump’s hair to look like the bottom of a goose’s ass. I sort of hate myself for not noticing that until I saw it cut out and pasted on another man’s head.
I don’t know what I love more, the name of this blog or the brain being hit with a hammer. I should probably go hit my brain with a hammer until I figure it out.
Is that what his hair is made out of? Has the mystery finally been solved? I didn’t see the goose ass until you pointed it out and now it’s all I see.
You realize that as my BBFF (official one at that), you are required to write one post.
Of course I will. I wrote the book on how to write the how to book.
You mentioned I should START peeing, but didn’t say how long to pee. Should I completely void my bladder to show I mean business, or just do a couple drops to make my point?
Your guidance is appreciated.