How To Attract Readers

You have just started a blog. No one cares.

Follow these sure-fire steps to increase your readership tenfold. Do not be swayed by the fact that this blog has no followers. It will once I follow the steps that I will create from consulting a magic eight ball.

Step 1: Write about popular topics. Simply mentioning Fifty Shades will drive traffic to your blog. Do not worry. You do not have to actually read the book. Other popular topics:

  • salsa
  • the dust bowl
  • sequestration
  • VHS vs. Betamax

Step 2: Include pictures. People like to look at stuff, but good stuff not crap stuff. Design your own composite of Christian Grey (seriously Fifty Shades will get you hits). Something like this:

The smoldering combination of Donald Trump hair, Michele Bachman eyes, Gonzo the Muppet nose and Gary Busey mouth. Holy cow!

The smoldering combination of Donald Trump hair, Michele Bachmann eyes, Gonzo the Muppet nose and Gary Busey mouth. Holy cow!

Step 3: Douse your blog in generous amounts of Axe Body Spray.

Step 4: Ask people to follow your blog. When they attempt to brush you off, start crying and peeing. They will immediately agree to follow your blog to get you to stop. You can use this tactic in person too.

Step 5: Pretend your blog is more important than it really is. Give it a title like “The Official Something Or Other.” Readers like to think they’re following the work of someone important. Name-drop in posts as much as possible, for example, “I was peeing and crying with Gary Busey the other day…”

Step 6: Porn.


Want to know how to do something? Ask The Official How To Blog for help. 

Want to share your vast knowledge of insect excrement with the world? Write for The Official How To Blog, and experience all the satisfaction that comes with writing for free. 

The Official How To Blog is the one-true source for all information and dietary needs.

62 thoughts on “How To Attract Readers

  1. Reblogged this on Speaker7 and commented:
    Came across this new blog. It’s outstanding! Do I think this because I created it? That is as much of a mystery as what happened to the first six speakers. Don’t feel obligated to follow although I will engage in step 4 if you don’t, and it will be uncomfortable and awkward for all invovled. This blog is also looking for writers–unpaid of course because money corrupts all–so if interested, contact TOHTB today.

  2. You have your finger on the pulse of the nation! This is so great. I think that you have something with the VHS vs. BetaMax thing, as long as you include the word “ejaculate” in the tags. Is that right?

  3. I’ve tried the crying and peeing thing. Then husband never fell for it. Or rather, the crying thing only worked when I was tied up and dressed like Little Orphan Annie. The peeing thing worked when I was straddling his (for the rest of this comment, send a large sum of unmarked bills to my post office box).

  4. You can also mention teenage romantic vampires. I am re-writing my unsold novel to include teenage romantic vampire love. (It’s replacing menopausal mood swings, so I am sure I am on the right track.)

  5. Holy crap, this is good stuff! I would have followed this blindly, even if you hadn’t been the author. When I finally start another blog, I’m going to try to remember to reblog it under the moniker of my original blog so that I can guarantee that at least 7 other people are aware of it.

    As soon as I’m done kissing your ass*, I’m going to read How to Throw a Children’s Birthday Party. My kids are all grown, but I figure if I get good enough at throwing parties, the kids will show up, whether they know me or not.

    * “How to kiss my ass” might be a decent topic for an upcoming post.

    • I was in bit of a Speaker7 rut. I blame the soul-crushing nature of The Bachelor. Maybe I’ll write a post on How to Not Let Your Blog Became a Recrapping Blog. The kiss ass one is pretty good too. I welcome you to write it if you would like to write for TOHTB.

  6. You have a point with the 50 Shades thing. Work in lots of buttplug references, and you are gold, GOLD. I would love to write for this blog. I can help readers get “crack whore” listed as their number one search term.

  7. Oooh! Oooh! Insect excrement. I can write about that. Pick me! Pick me!

    Seriously, I can write about that, because I raise worms. I would be happy to post pictures of my worms’ excrement, if you would have me as a guest blogger.

    Worms do count, right?

    Also, I have baby worms, which are just so darned cuuuuuutttteee! I just want to knit them little tubular sweaters to keep them warm and toasty until the summertime. I think that would require 000-sized needles, and a microscope.

    Also, I need to link to this blog on my post, OK?

    • I hope your serious because I just peed a little in excitement over the mere thought of an insect excrement how-to post. I will email you shortly because this will be as awesome as a beetle poop, which I’m thinking has to be good for the earth.

  8. Pingback: Upcoming Posts – Insect Excrement! | Michelle's Blog

  9. This blog looks very promising, I’m following this one too. After 2 and a half years with a blog, I think it’s finally time to find out how to do it.
    And by the way, I have a perfect (I think) guest post for TOHTB. Yes, it’s about blogging and, to answer your possible next question, yes, it’s a list of 10. I’ve been saving it for a special occasion, which would have been the time when I would have figured out how to make it relevant to either one of my 1.5 blogs. But I think TOHTB is a more special occasion. If interested, please e-mail me at

    • I hope my steps will be helpful. I find Axe Body Spray works in many scenarios.

      I am definitely interested in a List of X How To post. I’ll email you shortly.

  10. So, like, I’m renaming my blog to ‘The Official 50 Shades with Dorian Grey Blog’.

    Christian, I mean. Or maybe adding ‘Dorian’ there will stop Karma from messing me up for this blasphemy.

  11. I really never expected Donald Trump’s hair to look like the bottom of a goose’s ass. I sort of hate myself for not noticing that until I saw it cut out and pasted on another man’s head.

    I don’t know what I love more, the name of this blog or the brain being hit with a hammer. I should probably go hit my brain with a hammer until I figure it out.

    • Is that what his hair is made out of? Has the mystery finally been solved? I didn’t see the goose ass until you pointed it out and now it’s all I see.

      You realize that as my BBFF (official one at that), you are required to write one post.

  12. You mentioned I should START peeing, but didn’t say how long to pee. Should I completely void my bladder to show I mean business, or just do a couple drops to make my point?

    Your guidance is appreciated.

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