13 thoughts on “How To Throw a Children’s Birthday Party

    • Don’t worry, Elyse. I’m sure there will be a number of How-To posts in the future that you can immediately how to such as How to Pretend You’ve Never Heard of the Harlem Shake and How To Spread Mayonnaise on Bread.

  1. I wish I had read this advice a long time ago. I used to think I always had to throw parties for my kids. Now the Things never get birthday parties because the very idea makes my head hurt. They are sad, neglected orphan like children who have to drown their sorrows in the bazillions of presents given to them by their uncaring relatives.

    • That is a tough row to hoe or is it hoe to row? Anyway, it is something they can put in their memoirs, which is the greatest gift a mother can give her offspring.

  2. The right advice would have been:

    Lay out a giant canvas. Tie a rope to the four corners, join them and attach to a massive catapult.
    Scatter cakes on the canvas and wait until all the children are upon it eating sugar.
    Trigger the catapult.
    You have thrown a children’s party.
    Now you and the fifteen other families have rid yourself of those irritating little squeaky things that kept breaking all your stuff.

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