Alice of Alice at Wonderland has been slogging through the literary anal dribblings of E.L. James for what feels like an eternity. There is only so much “Fair point, well made Miss Steele/Mrs. Grey” and “Laters baby” one can read before one feels as if they’ve been sucked into a Groundhog-Day-like reality of which there is no escape.
If after reading the above paragraph, you still desire to pore through the monotonous ramblings of an author who knows neither plot or character development, then Alice has prepared a handy how-to on how to slog through this pile o’crap.
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Have you wondered what all the fuss was about with 50 Shades, but been scared to read it? Of course you have! With this simple guide, you can read 50 Shades of Grey and possibly keep your sanity.
How To Read 50 Shades
- Download it to your e-reader. Then if someone asks what you are reading, you can say “Well it certainly isn’t 50 Shades!”
Still not reading 50 Shades!
- Skip directly to chapter eight. This is the one with the sexy times. Nothing happens before then, trust me.
Nothing really happens after that either, but I digress . . .
- Try not to get aroused by the references to “down there” and the frequent exclamations of “oh shit!”, “oh my!” and “oh, jeez!”
Cross the Beav with Desperate Housewives and you’ll get the idea
- Move on to chapter nine. Get introduced to Christian’s penis. We now know all the important characters.
I don’t believe you two have met . . .
- Skip to chapter eleven, appropriately the chapter with the sex contract copied directly off of some internet site. First use of the fascinating email plot device.
So fire play is NOT a hard limit for you, hmm . . .
- Begin drinking game. Start reading every fifth page (this will not break continuity) and take a drink every time Christian and Ana 1) have sex 2) email 3) say something idiotic.
You’d better stock up.
- Stop and read chapter eighteen, if you want to see Ana get a vaginal exam. If you’re sane, move on to chapter twenty-three. It’s safe, I promise.
Ana wants to know!
- I lied. This is the chapter of the infamous “tampon scene.” You’re welcome. Good thing you’re totally wasted, huh?
You will never be able to go down this aisle again without PTSD.
- Skim through scenes of Christian beating up Ana. We don’t want anything to tarnish the momentum of this romantic novel.
Ah, the romance!
- Last chapter: watch Ana sort of grow a spine, leave Christian, and “surrender to her grief”. Stop now. Pretend it’s the last book. You’ll be glad you did.
Only bad things lie in store for our heroine.
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