Alice of Alice at Wonderland has been slogging through the literary anal dribblings of E.L. James for what feels like an eternity. There is only so much “Fair point, well made Miss Steele/Mrs. Grey” and “Laters baby” one can read before one feels as if they’ve been sucked into a Groundhog-Day-like reality of which there is no escape.
If after reading the above paragraph, you still desire to pore through the monotonous ramblings of an author who knows neither plot or character development, then Alice has prepared a handy how-to on how to slog through this pile o’crap.
Have you wondered what all the fuss was about with 50 Shades, but been scared to read it? Of course you have! With this simple guide, you can read 50 Shades of Grey and possibly keep your sanity.
How To Read 50 Shades
- Download it to your e-reader. Then if someone asks what you are reading, you can say “Well it certainly isn’t 50 Shades!”
- Skip directly to chapter eight. This is the one with the sexy times. Nothing happens before then, trust me.
- Try not to get aroused by the references to “down there” and the frequent exclamations of “oh shit!”, “oh my!” and “oh, jeez!”
- Move on to chapter nine. Get introduced to Christian’s penis. We now know all the important characters.
- Skip to chapter eleven, appropriately the chapter with the sex contract copied directly off of some internet site. First use of the fascinating email plot device.
- Begin drinking game. Start reading every fifth page (this will not break continuity) and take a drink every time Christian and Ana 1) have sex 2) email 3) say something idiotic.
- Stop and read chapter eighteen, if you want to see Ana get a vaginal exam. If you’re sane, move on to chapter twenty-three. It’s safe, I promise.
- I lied. This is the chapter of the infamous “tampon scene.” You’re welcome. Good thing you’re totally wasted, huh?
- Skim through scenes of Christian beating up Ana. We don’t want anything to tarnish the momentum of this romantic novel.
- Last chapter: watch Ana sort of grow a spine, leave Christian, and “surrender to her grief”. Stop now. Pretend it’s the last book. You’ll be glad you did.
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