Thinking about working from home? Take this short quiz to find out if it’s for you:
- Do you want to work from home?
If you’ve answered ‘yes’ to any of the above questions, then working remotely is right for you. The following steps will help you find success in the virtual work world.
Step 1. Convince your employer it’s a good idea to let you work from home
Most people make the mistake of giving a presentation showcasing why working remotely is more productive than working in an office setting. All this does is convince your boss you hate her by forcing her to lose minutes of her life listening to your boring pitch. I prefer the Liability Method wherein you sprain your thumb in a freak copier accident, or sexually harass yourself in front of others. Legal will be more than happy to keep their “lawsuit on legs” out of the office.
Step 2. Set up you work area
The right tools are essential in getting work done. Visit your local Ikea store, and purchase the latest Jackenoffer coffee table, and Masturbaten couch. Place both in front of your 190” LCD television, and turn it to one of the 47 Law & Order: SVU marathons as watching television while working has been shown to increase productivity by -7%.
Step 3. Vow to use the time you would’ve spent in the office doing better things
You’re going to work out before you clock in! You’re going to cook yourself healthy meals on your lunch hour! You’re going to do laundry on your breaks! You’ll do these things for the first couple of weeks, and then your time-wasting twin will take over. You’ll find yourself searching homemade detergent recipes on Pinterest, and catching up on episodes of Real Housewives of Sheboygan instead.
Step 4. Dress for success
Offices require the kind of attire only defendants in murder trials wear. Polyester was meant to be worn in discos while tripping on acid, not in a meeting room full of people you’ve wished diarrhea on several times. Being at home allows you to put the “casual” back in Business Casual by ditching your bra, pants with a button waist, and your dignity. You may lose the ability to dress yourself without the help of Garanimals, but not having twill pants giving you 17 different kinds of camel toe will more than make up for it.
Step 5. Network, network, network
One of the best parts of working in an office setting is the camaraderie; unfortunately, you lose this when you’re working from the comfort of your home. This is why it’s important to get out of the house and interact with other people. Just last week I cornered my postal carrier, and told her about the time I almost shit my pants at a party after mixing tequila, baby quiches, and too much dancing with someone who was either a very short man, or a very hairy child. I haven’t seen her since then, but I’m sure she enjoyed the laughs as much as I did.
Step 6. Work it out.
Whether you’re in the office, or at home, work must be done. If you don’t think you can do this, your only options in life are:
- Going off the grid
- Winning the lottery
- Becoming Larry King’s latest child bride
Unless you are skilled in wilderness survival, or have the ability to predict winning numbers, I’d recommend just doing the work. I don’t have anything against Larry King personally, I just don’t think anyone should sex up a skeleton wearing suspenders.
There you have it, six easy steps to virtual work success. Do you think working from home is for you?