How To Work From Home

Thinking about working from home? Take this short quiz to find out if it’s for you:

  • Do you want to work from home?

If you’ve answered ‘yes’ to any of the above questions, then working remotely is right for you. The following steps will help you find success in the virtual work world.

Step 1. Convince your employer it’s a good idea to let you work from home

Most people make the mistake of giving a presentation showcasing why working remotely is more productive than working in an office setting. All this does is convince your boss you hate her by forcing her to lose minutes of her life listening to your boring pitch. I prefer the Liability Method wherein you sprain your thumb in a freak copier accident, or sexually harass yourself in front of others. Legal will be more than happy to keep their “lawsuit on legs” out of the office.

Step 2. Set up you work area

The right tools are essential in getting work done. Visit your local Ikea store, and purchase the latest Jackenoffer coffee table, and Masturbaten couch. Place both in front of your 190” LCD television, and turn it to one of the 47 Law & Order: SVU marathons as watching television while working has been shown to increase productivity by -7%.

LAWORDERSVU

Step 3. Vow to use the time you would’ve spent in the office doing better things

You’re going to work out before you clock in! You’re going to cook yourself healthy meals on your lunch hour! You’re going to do laundry on your breaks! You’ll do these things for the first couple of weeks, and then your time-wasting twin will take over. You’ll find yourself searching homemade detergent recipes on Pinterest, and catching up on episodes of Real Housewives of Sheboygan instead.

Step 4. Dress for success

Offices require the kind of attire only defendants in murder trials wear. Polyester was meant to be worn in discos while tripping on acid, not in a meeting room full of people you’ve wished diarrhea on several times. Being at home allows you to put the “casual” back in Business Casual by ditching your bra, pants with a button waist, and your dignity. You may lose the ability to dress yourself without the help of Garanimals, but not having twill pants giving you 17 different kinds of camel toe will more than make up for it.

Excuse me, but did you know that your ass is eating your pants? (Credit: Ugly Outfits New York)

Excuse me, but did you know that your ass is eating your pants?
(Credit: Ugly Outfits New York)

Step 5. Network, network, network

One of the best parts of working in an office setting is the camaraderie; unfortunately, you lose this when you’re working from the comfort of your home. This is why it’s important to get out of the house and interact with other people. Just last week I cornered my postal carrier, and told her about the time I almost shit my pants at a party after mixing tequila, baby quiches, and too much dancing with someone who was either a very short man, or a very hairy child. I haven’t seen her since then, but I’m sure she enjoyed the laughs as much as I did.

Step 6. Work it out.

Whether you’re in the office, or at home, work must be done. If you don’t think you can do this, your only options in life are:

  1. Going off the grid
  2. Winning the lottery
  3. Becoming Larry King’s latest child bride

Unless you are skilled in wilderness survival, or have the ability to predict winning numbers, I’d recommend just doing the work. I don’t have anything against Larry King personally, I just don’t think anyone should sex up a skeleton wearing suspenders.

There you have it, six easy steps to virtual work success. Do you think working from home is for you?

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88 thoughts on “How To Work From Home

  1. Jen,
    I like Hangout personally when working from home, and having to meet clients and/or workers. And functional laptops and/or PCs. And I don’t like the balloon theme from WordPress.
    Le Clown
    PS: Penis.

  2. You are so freakin funny! Related, I think 17 kinds of camel toe would make a great follow up post. I’ve probably experienced at least three of them and I’m so glad I don’t have deal with those pants and hungry butt anymore. Or thongs. Mostly thongs. Great post!

    • That’s an excellent idea for a post. I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of photos I’d have to use for that. “Hungry butt” is a term I’ve never used before, but is now going to be inserted into every conversation I have from now on.

      Me: Hi mom.

      Mom: What are you up to?

      Me: Nothing, but my ass is so hungry!!!!

      Mom: Are you on drugs?

  3. As you know, I relate to ALL of this post. ALL OF IT. I’m sitting here right now in a ratty t-shirt and shorts with no bra and a cat trying to sit on my laptop. But my favorite part of this was “17 different kinds of camel toe.” Seriously, there is NOBODY ON EARTH who can wear that twill shit without the camel toe.

    And right now I’m watching yet another 48 Hours Mystery type thing on the ID channel. So busy. Just so, so busy.

    • I don’t understand dress pants. I do believe it’s a ploy by employers to see if workers are willing to put up with that shit in exchange for a paycheck. The number of times I picked wedgies daily when working from an office was 20+. Know how many I pick now? NONE because I don’t wear underwear anymore.

  4. This is so my life!!! And careful with postmen… mine used to chat me up (and we’re not just talking a bit of amusing banter, urgh), and one day, over coffee with two fellow home …erm… ‘workers’, we discovered that he did that with all of us. One manage to wheedle a bottle of wine out of him, lol.

  5. My main motivation for working from home (which I do a couple times a week) is because Hugo comes by on my lunchbreaks. He likes those pants I wear. You know the ones. You put a picture in this post.

    (Oh. Man. The first bullet/question KILLED ME!)

  6. Sexually harass yourself! ah hahahah
    Seriously, do you know how long you can watch Frasier and the Golden Girls before you decide to do some work and then realize Murder She Wrote is on?

      • Jen, I can’t speak for you and I am 17 years older than you are but I know I am this way because I was raised watching Columbo, Ironsides, Quincy, etc. with my mother and started reading Agatha Christie at a very young age.

        And more to the point, I prefer to live in other realities. I’m just healthy like that. And um, next time I am childless, you need to come over for a drink on the deck! We are having the perfect summer for my backyard.

      • This is the best summer ever. We might actually get more than six weeks of pure sunshine. Of course, it will probably be hot as hell during that one week in August when things really suck around here.

      • It has been a long time since we have had this much niceness in June. I will be bitching in August no question. They’d pull my Oregonian card if I didn’t.

    • I don’t know how people stay at home with their kids for a living. Imagine never getting a break from your boss. You wake up, he’s there. You eat lunch, he’s there. Take a Taco Bell kinda dump, he’s there. It’s insanity.

  7. I believe the only thing you’ve left out of this tribute to writers’ suicides is the kitchen sink… or Sylvia Plath’s oven (What, STILL too soon?!!). Either way, I’m glad to know that as I sit here… at home… submitting a payroll report to the corporate office (while checking my Klout score and clicking “like” on 37 random Facebook memes), plus simultaneously commenting on your post over morning coffee, that I can skip this week’s shower and start planning my quarterly Costco run.

    I need fresh underwear.

  8. I’m already having a hard time working from work – can we say, blogging? If I tried it from home, without any constraints to keep me honest, I’d be forced to go with Life Option #3 inside of a week. Anyone got the number for Shady Acres?

  9. Oh, the bit about shitting your pants after too much tequila and baby quiches made me almost shit my pants. Who WOULDN’T shit their pants after such an evil concoction? It’s a recipe for biological failure and social shunning.
    And working from home is nigh on impossible. How are you supposed to get any work done when you have a FRIDGE and YOUTUBE??

    • I can’t turn down a dare. Someone dared me to eat one baby quiche for every shot I took. So I took five shots and ate five baby quiches. I am here to tell you that FOUR is the limit, and five will send you into the “get me a new pair of underwear” zone.

      My desk is right in front of the fridge. My roommate can no longer cook because I’ve taken up all the room, but I have easy access to cold pizza and leftover cheesecake. Basically, my diet kicks ass.

  10. I have worked at home for a while. For twelve years in fact ** before it was even fashionable ** I am currently unemployed at home, but the results are the same (minus the paycheck) Since 1995, I wake up, put on my shorts and t-shirt, put my hair in a pony tail and go into the office/spare bedroom. If I put on a pair of LONG PANTS, the dogs are “alert” but I could just be walking to the mail box. If I put on a BRA, that’s it! BRA means CAR and they are hell-bent to go.

  11. I always find that when I go to the office, work gets in the way of my day. Somehow I am so much more productive at home without all those distractions and emails and coworkers to talk to. Plus there is the heavenly manna of wearing your pajamas to your computer where no camels are harmed.

  12. Who would want to work from home if it means having to deal with my kid? Honestly, I wish I had a job outside of my home just so I could get a break from the whining, and the “I’m bored!”, and having to create play dates, and try to figure out something nutritious that my kid will eat, other than Annie’s Mac N Cheese. He’s an extremely picky eater with neuro issues, who melts down at least once a day. He’s 10. Don’t get me wrong, he has his awesome points, but I crave school starting up again.

    • My grandmother used to take care of me, my sisters and my cousins after school and during the summer- five kids all under the age of 14. How she didn’t strangle us, I’ll never know.

  13. Hilarious post, and so helpful! I haven’t worn twill pants in I don’t know how long, and all the camels are grateful, believe me.
    I left the office life nearly a year ago, and have spent this past year adjusting to being at home, getting up when I feel like it, and slogging all the way across the room to my computer to ‘work’. The treks to the bathroom and the kitchen are, while frequent, still quite exciting – the dog and the cat leave all sorts of obstacles to be found and dealt with. It’s amazing how one can hurt oneself tripping over an unstuffed stuffed raccoon in the middle of the night.

    • Your vag doesn’t know what to do now that it doesn’t have a pair of pants constantly trying to sneak inside of it! If I had pets or kids leaving stuff around the house, I’d probably kill myself. I have a hard enough time navigating around the four foot couch that hasn’t moved an inch since we moved in here.

  14. Not sure if working at home is right for me. I’d miss all the assholes at work that piss me off and I’d have to take out my anger out on my family instead,
    I’d like to hear the story about when you almost shit your pants too.
    Penis.

  15. Wise advice there. And hilarious too. What boss wouldn’t want to improve productivity by -7%? As for networking, networking, networking, isn’t that what social media and blogging is for?

    • When I ask for a raise I’m going to say to her, “The average employee improved their productivity by -7%, but I improved mine by -9%.” She’ll cry at the thought of being able to manage someone as awesome as I am.

      I don’t know what other people use social media and blogging for, but I use them to feed my growing ego.

  16. I love this! I work from home on Wednesdays and I call it my mini-weekend. Hair in a ponytail, yoga pants (w/ or w/o rip) and dinner gets thought about but not actually made. Hysterical! I’ve been too afraid to blog about it afraid I might jinx my karma! Well Done.

    • It is like a mini-weekend! Basically, it’s working in the type of environment that would make your boss sick to think about. Somehow, we still manage to be really productive!

  17. things to practice today: outraged response to me sexually harassing myself. once i’ve got that down, the world is my mollusc! great post 🙂

    • Actually, that’s true! Getting dressed and putting on makeup makes me feel really professional. Other days I feel like a teenager who has been given a fancy computer and too much responsibility.

  18. That sounds pretty much like what I do most of the time. Though I’m kept sane by going out and meeting clients!
    A note about the wardrobe – you tend to forget yourself so much that when the meeting actually comes up you have no idea what to wear… prepare two or three foolproof outfits and you’re saved 😉

      • Haha, well yes, and quite a lot, so my working from home simply means not working in the office – but I’m either here or out and about. That’s why I haven’t gone crazy yet! (not saying you are :P)

  19. Some thoughts:
    1. Apparently I’ve been doing that before-work autosexualharrassment at the wrong time.
    2. Army clothes are eerily similar to Garanimals *squinty, pissy look*
    3. Penis, because Le Clown said.
    4. Free ball!
    5. What in the wide, wide world of sports do people have against Nickelback?
    That is all.

  20. Oh my gahhhhd. Hilarious. As always. I do want to work from home, and work out, and make healthy meals. Actually I’m just rather do that than work. I think I could successfully pawn off my work onto other people for 37 weeks before I got fired. Maybe I should try that. Thanks in advance for ending my career.

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