“How to Get a Camel into the Eye of a Needle”

How to get a camel through the eye of a needle is a very common question that isn’t often answered very effectively. Allow me to shed some light on the subject.

1. Visit the desert. You may want to make sure you have plenty of water and a cooler full of ice so that you do not die of exhaustion or heat stroke. Be sure to bring a needle.

2. Visit a camel rental and rent a camel. Make sure the camel is well behaved and in good health. Be prepared for some spit.

3. Tie one end of a tether or rope to your camel, and the other end to the nearest cactus. You may want to purchase some thick gloves prior to doing so. This will prevent your hands from being mauled by the cactus.

4. Find your needle. This step is essential.

5. Prepare yourself for a mind-blowing experience.

6. Ensure that a distance of at least 25 yards is between you and the camel.

7. Hold the needle very close to your face, so that you can see through the hole in the top (otherwise known as the eye.).

8. Adjust the needle so that the camel appears to be inside of the eye. You did it! You got the camel into the eye of the needle.

9. Convince your traveling companions and any spectators that you are not insane. Good luck!

How Not to Pack for Vacation

You’ve worked hard and now it’s time to think about getting away from all the stress associated with everyday life. It’s time for a holiday. Those vacations are usually a once a year trip that we plan, dream of and sometimes, obsess about. Every little detail is scrutinized over to squeeze out the maximum amount of pleasure from the limited period allotted for ‘time off.’ To ensure the most fun deemed feasible from your trip and, possibly off the radar of the local, friendly police force, here is a suggestion for how not to pack for a vacation. Some of the items on this list will more than likely land you in an extended holiday in a dank, dark prison cell, or worse, in the doghouse. Other items are things that, at the time, seemed like a good idea, but turned out to bring a little hell to our otherwise peaceful existence.

1. Porn.

Videos of you and your significant other engaged in clothing optional nocturnal activities should be left at home. These little discs of blackmail material can turn up missing while your luggage is being scanned by those trustworthy and upstanding security officers. Years from now, you don’t want to be running for some political office only to have your campaign derailed because of your raunchy sex tape (unless you decide to tweet pictures of you man parts like a certain politician from New York did and decide to run again – I really don’t wanna see your Weiner). Although, it could help you become an internet sensation. Instead, make new videos while on vacation as a souvenir of the great time you had while on vacation. Unlike other vacation videos, these will be sure to be watched over and over.

2. Illegal drugs.

Yes, it is a time to relax and forget about stressful things like work, bills, and the neighbor’s dog that barks all night. But, leaving the illegal substances at home will ensure almost stress-free travel to your vacation destination. Buy your recreational drugs when you get there, you will be stimulating the local economy and experiencing a little of the native culture. As an added bonus, if you are arrested for buying or using an illegal substance, you will get a free tour of the inside of their judicial and prison systems. Now that is something to write home about.

3. Weapons.

Unless you are an international spy, a rogue agent or a freelance hitman, it’s best to leave the weapons to the professionals. Those automatic rifles, blinged out pistols, and stun gun in a stapler are freakin’ cool, but they don’t belong on a plane, train or automobile (cruise ships might be ok – especially if you run the risk of going weeks without power and need to defend yourself or hunt for food). You don’t want to be joining your drug using buddies in the local pokey because you forgot to leave your Bowie knife cum bottle opener next to the case of Coors Light and the stack of adult rated, late night, home movies.

4. Exotic animals.

Only Hollywood types and eccentrics bring along their favorite Bengal tiger or barfy cute kinkajou. And you don’t want the local drug lord or crooked police chief taking notice of you and pressuring you into handing over your beloved pet or sacrifice a family member until you agree to his terms. Stop looking at your spouse like that. If it wasn’t for them, you’d probably be laying in a gutter somewhere, hung over from a three day bender and trying to remember your mother’s maiden name. You owe them your life. Leave Fluffy at home and everyone lives happily ever after. Ok, mostly happy. (Look what happened to Beiber and his poor little monkey – not *that* monkey, perv!)

5. Boyfriend/girlfriend (if you’re married).

Lest you are a master juggler, taking along your boyfriend/girlfriend and your spouse is probably not the wisest decision you will ever make. The probability of them crossing paths would send even the most ruthless and daring bookie heading for a safer bet. Save the rendezvous with the extra marital baggage for those boring, out of town meetings and conventions that your better half simply abhors.

6. Mother-in-law.

This is supposed to be fun, right? Why would you bring along a miserable, nagging, old hag that will probably complain about everything from the lumpy bed to the tight ass on the half-naked cabana boy serving watered down rum punch? Unless you plan on stuffing a dirty sock in her mouth and duct taping it in place, accidently forget to pick her up on the way to the airport and enjoy your well-earned holiday. Just don’t forget to turn off the cell phone and tell the front desk that you are unavailable.

7. Work.

No matter how much your pimp whines, leave his good for nothing ass at home. You need a little time to let your hair down, relax and enjoy life. After all, you earned that measly 10% that he allows you to keep from all that back breaking, knee scraping physical labor. And don’t even think about sending him anything. When he went on vacation, where were you? Yeah, you were working to support him. And who did he take on his vacation? He took that ho, Cindy-May. Girl, don’t even think about going back. You packed your bags, hopped a plane and now you’re in paradise. This is life’s way of telling you it’s time to start over.  Grab that pole and shake your money maker!

Bonus:

8. Friends.

Unless you can stand seeing them first thing in the morning without a caffeine injection, fresh clothes, make up, or showered, leave them behind. You may not want to ruin a perfectly good friendship and a vacation of a lifetime by freaking out when you see them naked. And how much do you really want to know about their bathroom routine? I didn’t think so.

Vacations are the time to set aside the stressors from work, home and life in general. A little forethought and planning can go a long way to ensure your vacation is postcard perfect. By leaving behind items that may induce stress, you are almost guaranteed to have at the best damn time allowed by law, unless it’s otherwise stated in the fine print.

Disclaimer: The author takes no responsibility for any reader’s actions if said reader takes it upon themselves to follow or ignore the following not so helpful hints and advice on packing for a holiday. Reader’s discretion is advised. Read at your own risk. Do not operate heavy machinery while texting. May cause erectile malfunction. Some assembly suggested. Only use under the direction of a trained medical professional – medical school drop outs count. You have been warned.

How To Entertain Bored and Annoying Kids

Only two and a half more months til school starts.

In most areas, the long, hot summer is in full swing. Among the tweeting of the birds and the hum of lawnmowers is the distinctive whine of bored kids. Moaning and groaning about being tired of their expensive gaming systems, wall-sized entertainment centers complete with every channel known to mankind, and the multitude of social networking sites on their mobile devices.

As with many families these days, the household budget is probably stretched tighter than a thong on a hippo. So here are a few free and educational summer activities to encourage the future leaders of our country to use their minds and expand their horizons.

1. Stack Rocks

Stacking rocks, also called Rock Balancing, can be educational as well as entertaining. It teaches patience, balance, innovation and art. No special skills or supplies are needed. Just turn the little buggers loose in the back yard with a pile of rocks and tell them not to come in until all the rocks are stacked. You’ll be able to make it through a whole TV program without interruption. Choosing rounded rocks will increase the difficulty level and provide sadistic entertainment for parents watching from the comfort of a cool, air-conditioned house. Once the little darlings have mastered rock stacking, give them a bundle of sticks and have them work on stacking sticks.

2. Throw Rocks

After the kiddos have gone stark raving mad stacking rocks, find two barrels (or other suitable and durable containers) and place them approximately ten feet apart. Have the kids throw the rocks into one barrel. After all the rocks have been thrown into the first barrel, have them stand next to the full barrel and take turns throwing the rocks into the empty barrel ten feet away. Make sure there is nothing breakable anywhere nearby, odds are, it will get hit. After all the rocks have been thrown, have them pick up the rocks that didn’t make it into the barrel. Repeat until the sun goes down and it’s time to come in for dinner. This activity teaches hand and eye coordination, sharing, as well as developing muscle tone and balance.

3. Roadkill

Kids are fascinated by nature and wildlife. Forget the cutesy petting farms, nothing beats getting up close and personal with critters like playing with road kill. It allows them to examine animals without the danger of being bitten or contracting rabies, unless they stumble upon zombie road kill. To explore the ins and outs of the dearly departed creature, have the kids locate various sized sticks; this will enable them to push, open or turn over the roadkill and observe the squished side of the recently deceased animal. Some parents may prefer to supply their little future medical examiners with surgical gloves to keep their tiny mitts clean. Make sure to warn them not to eat any road kill they might find until it’s been properly prepared and cooked by an experienced road kill café chef.

4. Sprinkler

Running through the sprinkler can provide hours of entertainment for little Timmy and his sister Becky. They will learn about irrigation as the water nourishes the grass. Just make sure that the little Future Farmers of America move the sprinkler around the lawn to ensure even watering and avoid creating mud holes. If the children are provided with a bar of soap, this activity will double as a lesson in hygiene. Be sure to that the bar of soap is biodegradable and environmentally friendly. To keep the yard and the children insect free, use citronella soap. Plan this activity a day or two before hosting a BBQ and the party will be mosquito free. Allow time for the water to be absorbed into the lawn before holding the shindig.

5. Playing in Traffic

Playing in Traffic is an activity for the older children and teaches coordination, endurance, communication, and fearlessness. This game is especially beneficial for wimpy, scaredy cats. To begin, have the children stand facing each other from opposite sides of the road. Once a vehicle approaches, have them call out “CAR!” and run towards each other, ending up on the other side of the road from where they began. If they master this, encourage them to throw a ball out into the road in front of the vehicle before they begin their run towards each other. Bonus points are awarded if they make it through without bodily injuries or a trip to the hospital. This activity is not for the faint of heart. Safety equipment such as helmets, knee pads, and Kevlar armor are optional but highly recommended. To increase the difficulty level, have the amateur daredevils ride bicycles during this stunt.

6. Bugs

Insects are found on almost every continent on this big, fascinating planet. The little bugs outnumber humans a gazillion to one. And they come in a rainbow of colors and more shapes and sizes than Hollywood could make up in a low budget sci-fi movie. By collecting creepy-crawlies, your little mad scientist can investigate the boundaries of life and death. Some insects are more resilient to torturous stress tests than others. Ants are notorious for burning much faster than, say, a scorpion under the high intensity sunlight beam emanating from a well angled magnifying glass. Placing a variety of insects in an enclosed container demonstrates overcoming adversity and the survival of the fittest.  Truly a valuable lifelong lesson that they can benefit from as they leave the safety of home and school to battle it out in the dog-eat-dog world of Corporate America.

Don’t Let Them Lose Their Minds

Summer is often considered an anti-learning time for children as they lose a small percentage of what they gleaned during the school year and have to be re-taught the next school year. Prevent stagnant brains by encouraging children to unplug and get outside to explore their world. And it will cut down on the electric bill from having all those energy sucking gadgets and gizmos running non-stop all day. It’s a win-win for everyone. Heck, they might even pick up a new healthy hobby.