How To Stay Single in Your 30s

Today’s post is brought to you by Sean Smithson

‘Modern day dating tips for the single man’

They say: “Don’t worry. You’ll find someone soon, I know it.” “You should meet my friend. She’ll be perfect for you.” “Hang in there. It just takes time…”

I say: Fuck off. Maybe I’m actually okay being single.

…

Contrary to what many people think, being single in your 30s isn’t actually the end of the world. Sure Friends re-runs are better with company. But at least you have complete control of the remote.

Then there’s the fact that unlike your taken friends, you get to drink as much as you like and behave like a complete wanker at weddings and need explain your actions to no one. Except if you ruin the wedding of course – I’ve come close.

And finally, there’s sex. Whilst it does seem counter-intuitive that being single would actually result in you getting more action than your coupled-up chums. Ask any of your friends in long term relationships and I’m sure you’ll find that they’re ‘doing it’ less than you.

Hell, even if they do get the green light – usually on weekends or special occasions – it’s pretty shit.

holytaco.com

Starting to think that I may be onto something (and that I’m not just a bitter, soon-to-be-proud-owner-of-a-parrot-to-keep-me-company, loser)? Well follow these steps and you too can continue to enjoy the single life.

Oh and the best thing about this advice? When you finally decide that you do want to be with someone long term, just do the complete opposite!

…

1 – Continue doing what you’re doing as that seems to be working just fine.

However like me, if you find that ladies are just drawn to you or that your friends absolutely insist on trying to set you up, then try the following:

2 – Be a mildly obnoxious asshole on dates. You need to get the balance just right so that she’ll sleep with you but won’t want you to call her ever again.

Talking about your junk and how great you are in bed = good

Offering to pay for dinner = bad

I also find that talking about your previous conquests, visits to strip clubs or general lack of direction in life tend to nip things in the bud fairly quickly. Though perhaps wait until after you’ve seen her naked before mentioning any of these.

If you’re still struggling for ideas, check out the ‘How To’ guide to being an asshole.

3 – Watch copious amounts of porn / jerk-off loads. Though rumoured that this can lead to blindness, you guys seem to be reading this just fine… badum tssssh!

But seriously, not only will this help to keep your urges for companionship in check. It also means that you will avoid potential ‘relationship creating’ contact with the opposite sex as this task is usually best performed alone in the confines of your bedroom.

If you’ve somehow managed to procure an elusive ‘friend with benefits’ then I doff my cap to you sir. Though if you ever get the feeling that you’re headed towards commitmentville, tell her how much you masturbate and this is likely to result in a swift U-turn.

4 – Move back in with your parents. As nothing says ‘he’s a keeper’ like a guy who still lives at home with his mum and dad at the age of 30+.

And if you didn’t scare her off with (3) then mention that you do most of your ‘work’ in your old bedroom!

5 – Be unemployed. Or if you currently have a job, get fired. The effects of this should be fairly self-explanatory.

If you really must work, then try to find a job that is fulfilling but with little chance of progression/recognition and even less chance of a steady income.

6 – Don’t have a car. As if you can’t even pick your date up then what are the chances of collecting your future kids from football practice?

7 – If you are somehow coerced into joining an online dating site, really put some thought into your profile. Ideally, you want something that makes a woman think ‘I’d hit that but he’s definitely not marriage material.’

This guy knows what I’m talking about.

The Mathematician

8 – Finally, if all of the above options have failed and you still find that women would like to have a committed relationship with you, set up a blog about what a massive douche you are and send them the link.

Mine’s www.seansmithson.com

LIVE THE DREAM!

I’m off to have a few beers with the Mathematician…

How To Have a Successful First Date

Your audition tape for The Bachelorette was rejected so now you must meet someone on your own and engage in an activity not pre-planned by television producers. That can be tricky. Our fast-paced, screened-in, text-messaging society can leave one’s real social interactions skills a bit rusty. You may be wondering: Do I make eye contact? Should I live-tweet this date? Is ‘gyro’ pronounced ‘gy-row’ or ‘hero’? This is why I am here to help. By virtue of possessing a vagina, I know all things all other vagina-possessing people view as dating do’s and don’ts.

1. Don’t mention how your other ex-girlfriends have been murdered. This may seem obvious, but I actually overheard a man say this to a woman on what was likely their one and only date. Even if you finish the thought with: “I hope things work out differently with you,” you still have likely made your date feel slightly uncomfortable and fearful for her life. 

2. Do select a nice venue. A picnic at the local landfill may not carry the same scent of romance as a picnic in the park. Other venues to avoid: Cock and/or dog-fighting arenas, Walmart, McDonald’s play palaces, slaughterhouses, the embalming room at funeral homes, sewage treatment plants and Brooklyn-based King’s County Bar on July 20 when it is hosting “The Smallest Penis” contest.

3. Don’t broadcast the entire date on a multitude of social networking sites. You’re tweeting how your date has an entire corn kernal stuck in her front teeth #awkward; you’re instagramming your KFC double down; you’re updating your enigmatic Facebook status update to read “Corn-tastrophe”; you’re creating surveys in Survey Monkey asking friends to gauge your chance of an end-of-the-evening handjob; you’re updating your bowel temperature on assheat.com every few minutes–you’re spending so much time on these activities that you have not spoken to your date in three hours, and KFC employees have asked you to leave so they can commence with cleaning out the grease trap #awkward. Stick with only one social network site so 35% of your attention can be on your date.

4. Do keep weeping to a minimum. I know Speaker John Boehner looks sexy as hell when he weeps because it’s a Tuesday, but it’s less sexy when you’re cryingly answering your date’s question about your employment or your thoughts on Dancing with the Stars.

5. Do ask about her interests. As sitcoms, commercials and movies have shown, women are objects that enjoy bright, shiny baubles. They love to talk about shoes, and they can barely contain their excitement around new and improved cleaning products. Do ask her about “woman things” like chocolate, yeast infections, and legitmate rape.

6. Don’t ask her to join your cult. It’s better to lull her in by breaking her spirit first.

7. Don’t read how-to posts on dating advice. The author likely knows very little and is just trying to meet a deadline.