How to Go Fishing. . . For Compliments

This guest post originally appeared on For Love Of Makeup. Out of concern that The Official How To Blog readers were not sufficiently posing with the pursed lips of a duck for all photos, I decided to republish this here. Many thanks to Rhiannon for helping us all become the best us’s we can be–and by “us,” I mean “me.”
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Think you’re looking pretty bloody good? Want people to tell you so? Follow these simple steps and watch badly worded comments such as, “Ur so pretty hun” and, “Dayym those guns are sick!” come flooding in.
 
What will you need to do this?
 
• A camera
• A mirror
• A shameless and unwavering belief that you are much better looking than you actually are
• A social networking outlet
 
So, assuming you are in possession of the above, let’s go fishing!
 
Step 1.
 
There’s no point in going fishing if there are no fish in the water.
Now, this is probably the most important step and the foundation of the whole fishing trip. So, to set yourself up for a catch, you must first follow/ be friends with like-minded people who will leave you compliments with the hope that you will do the same for them. Alternatively, you could befriend perverts (no doubt they will find you eventually anyway) and they will also leave you comments. Although these are more likely to be comments such as “Do you have a webcam?” rather than the ego boosting compliments you were hoping for
Step 2.
 
Ladies:
In order to successfully gain compliments, you will first need to apply as much makeup to your face as you physically can. Basically just make sure you look nothing like your real self–no one wants to see that. 
 
Next, try to manipulate your inadequately thin lips into a pout to rival Angelina Jolie’s. Make sure you nail this as it will be your expression for all the photos you ever take. If you end up looking like daffy duck, or like this photo of Lindsay Lohan, then you’ve surpassed yourself.
lindsaylohan
Gentlemen:
 
For you, there is no requirement for makeup. All you need to be able to do is narrow your eyes in a seemingly seductive way, adopt a brooding, dangerous look, and flex the gun which is not holding your camera.
 
Step 3:
 
Take photos of yourself.
 
To make sure you capture the optimal pose, it may be best if you first look at yourself in the mirror to ascertain your best angle. Once you have looked at yourself enough and decided that the world ought to see the spectacle that is you, hold your camera up and take a photo of your reflection in the mirror.
 
Another option is to turn your camera to face yourself, and take multiple shots of your face, hoping that one of them is unrealistically flattering.
 
Step 4.
 
Examine your photos. Like what you see? Of course you do. Upload them immediately.
 
In some cases, you may want to add a completely irrelevant caption, to try to detract people from the fact that you were just taking photos of yourself in the name of vanity. Example captions could be, “Morning peeps! Have a great day!” or you could pretend that the purpose of your photo is actually self-deprecating and you could write something like, “Argh! I  so hate my eyebrows!”. This is a sure fire way to fish for reassuring and praising comments.
 
Step 5.
 
If you have followed the above instructions well, you are sure to haul in a good catch. If this is the case, you can just sit back and bask in the shower of compliments that will rain down on your album titled, “Me”.
 
However, if you have made the textbook error of befriending anyone who speaks their mind, you may find that you are told to politely, “Get over yourself you *!$*#*!”
 
So that concludes this step-by-step guide. I hope you have found it useful and will very soon enjoy the benefits of a boosted ego.
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The Official How To Blog is the one true source for all information and duckfacery.

How to peel an orange

Merbear of Knocked Over By a Feather felt compelled to write about a serious topic that has been affecting many, many people: the struggle of citrus encapsulation, or SOCE.

Before Merbear submitted her informative post, I had been peeling my oranges with a banana peel because I thought that was its purpose. Now I know more and you can too!

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Step one: Check to see how long your nails are. If they are short and nubby, your going to need an extra five minutes, if not longer.

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Step 2: Squeeze the orange to check for thickness of the rind. Get a good feel for it. Rub it. Become one with it. Learn the language of citrus.

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Step 3: Gently place your thumb at the top of the orange. Press firmly, until you smell the delightful aroma of oranges permeate the air. Imagine yourself on a boat by a river…(This process can be used for tangerines as well!)

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Step 4: In a quick downward motion, rip the first small piece of orange peel off, and fling it to the side, like the bitch that it is.

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Step 5: Repeat

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Step 6: Repeat

Step 7: Repeat

Step 8: Re..fuck it, you get the idea.

Step 9: Behold your expertly peeled orange!

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  Step 10: Pick all that white shit off of there. Unless you like the white stuff. I don’t.

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Step 11: Section it, and enjoy!

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Do you want to write a post for The Official How To Blog? You don’t? What’s wrong with you. I really think you should reconsider. It’s so official and a tad how-tooey. 

The Official How To Blog is the one-true source for all information and fruit needs.