How To Piss Me Off With Email

The following was submitted by Pieter of Ah Dad. . . 

1. Send me an email from the office next door that does not have any document, spreadsheet, meeting schedule or other piece of useful information attach to it.  Only use a few cryptic words to make it sound important.

I just think that if you have something to say to me, it might be more appropriate to get of your fat ass and walk the four metres to my office.  It will be beneficial to your health.  Walking would allow those little red bloods cells to speed up and then you might even burn a calorie or two, which I’m sure the hinges of your fridge will appreciate.

2. Send me a chain letter.  You know those mails that you forward to eleven friends to prevent yourself from walking home and getting maimed by a falling ostrich.

First of all, when you’re in the habit of forwarding chain letters, I’m surprised you still have friends.  It’s that annoying.  Life has taught me: There is no such thing as a free lunch.  Let’s put it in perspective, it actually means: There. Is. No. Such. Thing. As. A. Free. Lunch.  If you think sending a picture of a crying girl to 11 people will open the heavens and make buckets of cash fall from the sky, well you’re just fucking stupid.  And the world doesn’t need to know that.

3. Send me a PowerPoint presentation with pictures of cats.

I hate cats.  They’re cunning and deceitful creatures.  As kittens they’re all cute and playful. Then they grow up to be bossy, toplofty, pompous and shit–Just like a teenager.  As the owner you’re only good enough to feed them, if they allow it.  Do this and I will go all chain letter and spam on your mailbox.

4. Send me a reminding email, forty seconds after the first one. 

I have a life and my only purpose on earth is NOT to sit and wait for your message.  I am sorry that I don’t climax and drop everything when your name pops up in my inbox.  I am also sorry that your concept of a reasonable reply time is out of tune with mine.  And if you have the balls to enlarge the font of the mail and write the word “reminder” on the top, then well. . . screw you.  Delete sequence initiated.

5. Send me a condescending mail with a smiley face.

We are not in kindergarten anymore.  Sarcasm is a science, a skill that I have worked on for many years to execute perfectly.  How dare you consider that adding a smiley face is enough to hide your initial intention?  Reading it gives me an uncontrollable urge to rearrange your face with a frying pan to resemble your chosen emoticon.

There it is.  Five easy ways to get my temper thermometer into crimson red by the click of a button.  Truth be told I am actually a real fun-loving, nice guy, but again that’s what they said about Dr Jeckyl.

 

How to Make Small Talk

Today’s post is brought to you by Speaker7.

Oh…um…Hi. How are things? …um…

Well…er…how ’bout that rain? It’s been like raining with water and stuff.

So…um…I’ve been asked to write about small talk so…okay…um…I’ll do that now?

1. Introduce yourself. It will give you something to talk about for two seconds. You might be tempted to make up a name to give you something else to talk about it– “Hi. I’m Casey Anthony!”–but don’t. You could possibly run into this person again, and the next bout of small talk will be even more awkward if you can’t remember what name you gave.

2. Stick to safe topics. Some suggestions:

  • weather 

weathertalk

  • the room you’re in — “How ’bout this floor, huh?”
  • Donald Trump’s hairpiece — “So, do you think his hair is made out of urine-soaked hamster bedding?”

3. Stay away from hot-button issues like:

  • politics 

politicking

  • religion

religion

  • motherhood

motherhood4. Make eye contact. It can be off-putting if you look like this:

noeyecontact5. Don’t make too much eye contact, however. Don’t look like this:

toomucheye

6. Ask questions. Feign interest in your small talk participant.

dodew

or

zombieboinking

or

splash

7. Do not piss your pants. Same goes for poopy.

8. Under no circumstances, should you ever say this:

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