How To Take Your Baby to Ikea

IKEAThe furniture and home store Ikea is one notch above Target in places where you can go and center yourself on a higher plane than is even attainable by the Dalai Lama. A Mecca for WASPy women the world over, it is an excellent place to bring small children who just learned to walk and are heavily entrenched in their oral phase. Taste the goodness of Nordic bargains, Baby! Here are some tips to get the most out of your day.

1. Go it alone. Spouse out of town? Babysitter booked for the day? No worries. Bring your kid all by yourself. It will be fun. Three floors of foondrin and nepsock will be yours at the taking.

2. Recall prior knowledge. When you went to Ikea in college to buy a colander, a bedside table, and curtains, you remembered seeing that Ikea has a daycare. That’s where you plan on depositing your baby during your visit.

3. Read the sign. Apparently, your baby has to be potty trained to be dropped off at the Ikea daycare. Your kid’s diaper is potty trained. Is that good enough? No? Verdict: Ikea hates babies. Screw you too, Scandinavians. Fine.

4. Load the kid up in a shopping cart. Babies don’t take up too much space, so there will certainly still be room for the king size bed you are planning on purchasing. If all else fails, you can balance the kid on your head like you saw those African women do on the National Geographic channel. You are so multicultural for a WASP who drives a Prius.

5. Go get a snack. Ikea is wondrous because it offers low-cost horse meat meals. You head to the cafeteria and start salivating over the offerings of marzipan hot dogs. But once again, the kid ruins everything and knocks your carefully-balanced tray of food onto the nineteen-year-olds shopping for purple polka dot curtains for their dorm rooms.

6. Grin and bear it. Some shopping will be a good distraction. You head to the Kid Section which you hope will look kind of like a toy store and Baby will be none-the-wiser. Instead of fixating on the giant Chuck E. Cheese ball pit-sized bin of stuffed animals, though, your child decides it will be way more fun to shake the kiosk full of tiny sharpened pencils and paper until every last one of them scatter to the floor, along with your idealized vision of Motherhood.

Lies. They're all lies.

Lies. They’re all lies.

7. Take your gloves off. Since you’re a good mom who parents her child even when the going gets rough, you decide that today is going to be a teachable moment. Baby starts wailing whilst you wrench the tiny pencils and picture-hanging sets from her hands, but instead of pacifying her like you normally do, you plop her back into the cart and maneuver her to the shelving area. Her volume increases as her face becomes redder, but you ignore her despite the death glares you receive from childless yuppies who curse you as the reason society is broken.

8. Get the hell out. With all hopes of having a relaxing shopping day with your tot dashed, you make a beeline for the checkout counter. Then you remember that you are on the third floor and checkout is in the basement mere meters from the Earth’s mantle. Thirty minutes later, you arrive at the stacked line. Since it’s Tuesday, only three registers are open and all the people preceding you appear to be buying all the furnishings for a Real World apartment. You abandon your full cart and whisk you screaming, beet-faced toddler out of the furniture emporium before the authorities are called in. You swear to never take her again until she’s off to college herself.

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