How to Have a Conversation

Texting has become the preferred form of communication. It initially was invented to facilitate conversation when face-to-face or the phone was not possible. But now when given the choice, most people would prefer to shoot a text than deal with the expressions that exist on people’s faces and the squawking sounds that emerge from saliva-ridden mouths. Ewww…gross. 😉

Occasionally you will find yourself in the presence of another living being and actually have to conduct a conversation in “real time.” 😯

This can be daunting. You may find yourself wondering how to express emotion without the assist of emoticons. You may find yourself worried that LOL is less powerful when said aloud. You may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife.

Don’t worry. Follow these steps and you will effortlessly sail through a conversation and then quickly return to your alloted 15 hours with your mobile device. 😀

1. Your natural instinct will be to answer the person’s questions through text.

conversationThis is a common mistake. The trick to having an actual conversation is to use your human body parts like your mouth, eyes and hands. Your lungs will supply the air that you need to get your voice going so take a breath and test out the vocal folds in your throat. Don’t get tense if you first sound like this “Unngghhhhhh????” You will get better with practice. Your eyes are necessary for looking at the other person. You can actually see how the person is responding to the sounds you are emitting. This way you can adjust your sounds if the person is making an expression like this: 😡

2. Practice beforehand. Try to use actual words rather than abbreviations when you are texting.

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3. While it may be taxing, you will need to respond to the person rather quickly since you are conducting a conversation in “real time.” You may be compelled to compulsively check Facebook to see if anyone has sent you life on Candy Crush Saga, but this type of behavior will disrupt the natural flow and rhythm of the real-time conversation. To avoid this, you should put your phone away. I see that you just set it off to the side, but you’re still looking at it. Put it out of sight. You just moved it a quarter of an inch. Put it where you cannot see it all. Okay, that’s better. . . why are you shaking?

4. Do not live-tweet or blog the converation while it’s happening. How do you tell someone she has arugula in her teeth? #awkward. That might make the person uncomfortable. Attempt to put all your attention on the other person and listen to the sounds squawking out of her saliva-ridden mouth. This will help you when formulating your response.

talking5. Don’t feel nervous if there are lulls in the conversation. There will be lulls because no one has any idea how to conduct face-to-face conversations anymore. Whatever you do, do not take a dick pic and text it to the person. You may think this will give you something to talk about, but no one in the world wants to see your penis.

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Want to read more from Speaker7? Visit here. No dick pics, please. 

How to Go Fishing. . . For Compliments

This guest post originally appeared on For Love Of Makeup. Out of concern that The Official How To Blog readers were not sufficiently posing with the pursed lips of a duck for all photos, I decided to republish this here. Many thanks to Rhiannon for helping us all become the best us’s we can be–and by “us,” I mean “me.”
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Think you’re looking pretty bloody good? Want people to tell you so? Follow these simple steps and watch badly worded comments such as, “Ur so pretty hun” and, “Dayym those guns are sick!” come flooding in.
 
What will you need to do this?
 
• A camera
• A mirror
• A shameless and unwavering belief that you are much better looking than you actually are
• A social networking outlet
 
So, assuming you are in possession of the above, let’s go fishing!
 
Step 1.
 
There’s no point in going fishing if there are no fish in the water.
Now, this is probably the most important step and the foundation of the whole fishing trip. So, to set yourself up for a catch, you must first follow/ be friends with like-minded people who will leave you compliments with the hope that you will do the same for them. Alternatively, you could befriend perverts (no doubt they will find you eventually anyway) and they will also leave you comments. Although these are more likely to be comments such as “Do you have a webcam?” rather than the ego boosting compliments you were hoping for
Step 2.
 
Ladies:
In order to successfully gain compliments, you will first need to apply as much makeup to your face as you physically can. Basically just make sure you look nothing like your real self–no one wants to see that. 
 
Next, try to manipulate your inadequately thin lips into a pout to rival Angelina Jolie’s. Make sure you nail this as it will be your expression for all the photos you ever take. If you end up looking like daffy duck, or like this photo of Lindsay Lohan, then you’ve surpassed yourself.
lindsaylohan
Gentlemen:
 
For you, there is no requirement for makeup. All you need to be able to do is narrow your eyes in a seemingly seductive way, adopt a brooding, dangerous look, and flex the gun which is not holding your camera.
 
Step 3:
 
Take photos of yourself.
 
To make sure you capture the optimal pose, it may be best if you first look at yourself in the mirror to ascertain your best angle. Once you have looked at yourself enough and decided that the world ought to see the spectacle that is you, hold your camera up and take a photo of your reflection in the mirror.
 
Another option is to turn your camera to face yourself, and take multiple shots of your face, hoping that one of them is unrealistically flattering.
 
Step 4.
 
Examine your photos. Like what you see? Of course you do. Upload them immediately.
 
In some cases, you may want to add a completely irrelevant caption, to try to detract people from the fact that you were just taking photos of yourself in the name of vanity. Example captions could be, “Morning peeps! Have a great day!” or you could pretend that the purpose of your photo is actually self-deprecating and you could write something like, “Argh! I  so hate my eyebrows!”. This is a sure fire way to fish for reassuring and praising comments.
 
Step 5.
 
If you have followed the above instructions well, you are sure to haul in a good catch. If this is the case, you can just sit back and bask in the shower of compliments that will rain down on your album titled, “Me”.
 
However, if you have made the textbook error of befriending anyone who speaks their mind, you may find that you are told to politely, “Get over yourself you *!$*#*!”
 
So that concludes this step-by-step guide. I hope you have found it useful and will very soon enjoy the benefits of a boosted ego.
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