How to write the perfect post for your blog

Arrogant much?  Not at all, but it does prove my point.  Or my first tip of many:  Use a catchy title.

It’s the most important component of a perfect post.  A few words that has the potential of making a reader go “Oh my, this looks absolutely fabulous.  If I don’t read this, well darlings, I think my head will explode.”   Effectively turning them into a very camp follower.  Other reactions may include “WTF? Is this guy crazy or what?”, “No shit, this can’t be true!” or the more sophisticated reader might think “This individual has really put in a lot of effort in establishing a title that would capture my attention.  Let me read it.”

My second tip relates to the opening paragraph, a very important component of a perfect post.  This first paragraph should be a continuation of what you’ve achieved in the title.  Now that the reader bothered to click the link, the writer cannot disappoint.  The bait is out there and now you need to hook them with carefully crafted sentences that will not only engage the reader but prevent head injuries when they hit their head on the keyboard because of boredom. Other might just scroll through the post to see if there is a funny gif.  And don’t bother, I didn’t include one.

If you’re still reading this, I’ve had success with my second tip. And will continue sharing my wisdom in the original post that you can all read here.

I’m cruel, I know, but the trip is worth it.  I promise.

How to Find a Therapist Who Isn’t Completely Cray

Hi, there.

I’m a therapist.  I’ve also been a client.  I eat, sleep, and breathe therapy like it’s my job…probably because it is.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of crazy therapists out there, and I am here to tell you how to avoid them like how Freud didn’t avoid cocaine.  …you know what I mean.

freud crazy

1. Google that shit

Got a referral for an awesome therapist recommended by your cousin’s girlfriend’s mongoose?  Better type the name straight into that magical search bar of truth.  Avoid this therapist if you end up seeing: naked pictures of mongeese, horns protruding from his skull, or any sort of online dating profile that mentions sushi.

2. Educate yourself

Credentials can be tough to understand, since they vary from state to state, and from one locked psych ward to another.  Does this therapist have a bunch of letters and numbers after her name?  Good.  Once you’re sure this isn’t her vehicle’s license plate number (but if it is, then be sure to write that down to save for a rainy day), make sure none of the letters stand for words like “experimental,” “fucktastic,” or “Canadian.”

3. Do the drapes match the carpet?

The way a therapist decorates her office says a lot about who she is.  How does the couch look?  Can you picture yourself spending hours uncontrollably sobbing into the armrest?  Check. Next, look around the room.  If you don’t see any inspirational sayings or posters of cats desperately trying not to fall to their death from a tree with an inscription reading, “Hang in there!” then you get the hell outta there.  There had also be some smelly candles and one of those soft foam bats for days when the shit really hits the therapeutic fan.

Cuteness is inspirational.

4. Test the therapist to make sure he’s listening

Throw in some important tidbits about yourself and see how he responds.  Be sure to mention your compulsion to projectile vomit when you hear the sound of a vacuum cleaner and that you secretly become aroused watching old people feed birds at the park.  Any response besides “mm-hmm,” “go on,” and “tell me more about that” are winners.

5. A good therapist matches your language level

Make your therapist really work for your hard-earned money cannibus (see next section).  Use a Boston accent and swear like a drunken sailor in your first session, and if you don’t have your therapist saying “That’s wicked awesome!” or “That fackin’ sucks!” or “How ’bout dem apples?!” then that’s a bad sign.  Next, move on to speaking like you’ve walked right out of Downton Abbey, followed by an imitation of the Crocodile Hunter, may goddess rest his soul.

6. The price is right

Find a therapist who will negotiate with you in terms of payment.  Will he accept regifted shirts from Tommy Bahamas?  How about The Gap?  If all else fails, offer to fold his fitted sheets in return for some Good Will Hunting style bear hugs, followed by repeatedly being told that it’s not your fault.

7.  Finally, don’t come knocking at my door for any sweet, sweet cathartic bliss, because….my schedule is all full up.  Now pass the cocaine.

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Four out of five therapists say writing for this blog is cathartic, and way cheaper. In fact no money is ever seen by anyone.  

The Official How To Blog is the one-true source for all information and psychiatry needs

How to peel an orange

Merbear of Knocked Over By a Feather felt compelled to write about a serious topic that has been affecting many, many people: the struggle of citrus encapsulation, or SOCE.

Before Merbear submitted her informative post, I had been peeling my oranges with a banana peel because I thought that was its purpose. Now I know more and you can too!

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Step one: Check to see how long your nails are. If they are short and nubby, your going to need an extra five minutes, if not longer.

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Step 2: Squeeze the orange to check for thickness of the rind. Get a good feel for it. Rub it. Become one with it. Learn the language of citrus.

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Step 3: Gently place your thumb at the top of the orange. Press firmly, until you smell the delightful aroma of oranges permeate the air. Imagine yourself on a boat by a river…(This process can be used for tangerines as well!)

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Step 4: In a quick downward motion, rip the first small piece of orange peel off, and fling it to the side, like the bitch that it is.

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Step 5: Repeat

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Step 6: Repeat

Step 7: Repeat

Step 8: Re..fuck it, you get the idea.

Step 9: Behold your expertly peeled orange!

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  Step 10: Pick all that white shit off of there. Unless you like the white stuff. I don’t.

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Step 11: Section it, and enjoy!

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Do you want to write a post for The Official How To Blog? You don’t? What’s wrong with you. I really think you should reconsider. It’s so official and a tad how-tooey. 

The Official How To Blog is the one-true source for all information and fruit needs.

How to Fold a Fitted Sheet

This may seem like an insurmountable feat along the same lines as making a soufflé or listening to someone talk sincerely about Kimye’s relationship. But it can be done, if you follow these official how-to steps.

Step 1: Begin with a fitted sheet. This may seem obvious, but many times the act of folding a fitted sheet is derailed because one is actually trying to fold a McFish Bite™.

Step 2: Take the two lower corners and bring them together. Don’t be discouraged by the fact that fitted sheets do not have corners. It should look like this:

lowercorner

Step 3 : Then take the two upper corners and mash them around a bit. It should look like this:

uppercorners

Step 4: Kick at it for a little bit. Let it know who’s the boss. Tony Danza obvs.

footkicking

Step 5: Okay so that didn’t work. Punch a wall. Seriously. It will make you feel better. Now start over.

Step 6: This time fold one upper corner and one lower corner. How do you know which one is which? That is a really good question.

Step 7: Just keep folding until it looks less like a mushroom cap and more like a wrinkled pantsuit.

secondattempt

Step 8: Flatten it with a heavy book.

book

Step 9: Remove the book.

Step 10: Stuff the wadded mess underneath a pile of other sheets in the deep recesses of your closet.

Ta-da.

Ta-da.

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Want to know how to do something? Ask The Official How To Blog for help. 

Want to share your vast knowledge of boogie boarding with the world? Write for The Official How To Blog, and experience all the satisfaction that comes with writing for free. 

The Official How To Blog is the one-true source for all information and tanning needs.