How To Not Get Hired

I love the work I do, I love my boss, and I love that I am not the boss.

nowhereAll that love puts me in the tiniest minority of people in the history of the world. As far as I know, it’s just me and some guy in Nowhere, Oklahoma, who lives for grilled cheese sandwiches and works at a bread factory that his best friend owns.

The only part of my job I don’t like involves hiring co-workers.  You see, over the years, I’ve noticed a tendency for people to interview for jobs they don’t want.

Of course, they’re never so obvious as to just say “I don’t want this job.” Nor do they take the path most traveled and simply not apply.  No, these people devise clever stratagems that must take nights of planning.

After years of researching the best of the best in this particular field, I’ve created a comprehensive guide to help those with the same mission.  For those of you actively applying for jobs you don’t want, I hope these 8 Reminders lead to the pathway to all your life’s desires.

8 Easy Ways to Not Get a Job

You know what they say about the mice, men, and best-laid plans.  You planned to not get this job while applying, but this office or store is obviously desperate for help. They reviewed your half-completed application and typo-ridden résumé, and still decided invited you in for an interview.

Here’s how to take this crazy bull by the horns and keep from getting hired.

1. Show Up Late

This is important. Nothing suggests a total disregard for the people waiting for you like showing up 10 minutes late. Don’t let it go with a simple apology, either– no, explain it with a story that takes another 10 minutes to tell. The more mundane your story, the better– consider the one about how you lost your keys and looked everywhere. Be specific. Did you check the fridge?  Was it by the lettuce or cheese?  Where did you buy the lettuce?

2. Hesitate Awkwardly Over Security and Safety Questions

When the interviewer jovially asks, “Do you get along well with others? No fist-fights with co-workers, etc, haha!”, do not make eye contact. Wait a good 3 minutes and then answer, “Yes.”

Do not explain.

3. Talk About Poop

poopA lot.

In fact, if you can find some way to integrate poop into every question you answer, then consider yourself a success.

You can explain it however you choose. Tell that story again about how you’re a parent returning to the workforce and that poop has become the cornerstone of your existence. The reason is really just for you, since any poop talk will move you to the bottom of the stack.

You might as well be creative!

4.  Keep your Phone On and Take All Calls

Answer the phone on the first ring without explaining and put your finger over your mouth to keep that noisy interviewer from interrupting. After the call is over, go into extreme detail about the person who called and what their call means to you. If you’ve ever had sex with that person, include that information.

5. Dress Down

Select your interview outfit from any combination of the following clothing items: sweat pants (preferably neon-colored), mumus, overalls with biblical verses embroided, blue jeans with holes, and Che Guevara t-shirts. Do not wear shoes! This is an interview, not the opera!

6. Provide False or Bad References

Do you remember that guy you beat up in the 5th grade? Give his number. You know the neighbors you keep up all night with your rabble-rousing and drug-dealing? Give their number, too.

Also, always remember to include the President of the United States and other important people for whom you did not work.

7. Push

If you have a feeling the interviewer is enjoying your company too much, emphasize your sentences by pushing them. Use both hands.

8.  Lie

Tell them that story about how someone tried to rob the mall store where you worked. Be sure to explain how you jumped over the counter, ran down two flights of stairs, and finally beat up that crook at the bottom of an escalator to your favorite Bon Jovi song. Punctuate the story with sound effects, punching demonstrations, and by singing Eye of the Tiger at full volume. Bon Jovi didn’t sing Eye of the Tiger, but that’s alright.  Just insist he did.

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That’s the best of the best, friends.

I hope it saves you from the pesky jobs that you apply for, interview for, and never wanted in the first place!

Do you have any tips to add to the list? Please share!

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How To Celebrate The Fourth Of July

Fireworks on the beach on the Fourth of July. ...

This looks very safe. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Many of you are well aware that Fourth of July is the American Independence day.  If you were ever unsure how exactly to celebrate it, here are a few helpful hints.

First of all, the celebration consists of four important parts, namely American flags, grilling food, drinking alcohol and fireworks.  While some of those parts seem unrelated to the history of American independence, all off these elements actually have deep connections to the American Revolutionary War.

Let’s start with the flag. Make sure to buy a lowest-quality American flag made in China. This may feel slightly unpatriotic, but in a few hours, when the flag falls apart and you have to sew it back together, you will feel exactly like Betsy Ross.

Drink a lot (like A LOT) of beer to celebrate the holiday. If you know your history, you should remember that the colonists threw out boxes of tea into the Boston Harbor, protesting when the British King tried to make the colonists drink tea instead of beer.

If Samuel Adams beer is sold in your region, drink that brand to honor one of the Founding Fathers. However, if you plan to drive, please remember that the legal founding father level in your blood should be below 0.05% to 0.1%, depending on the state where you live.

Of course, it’s much better to not to drink and drive. However, should you run out of beer mid-party, it’s still legal to send horseback rider to gallop through the dark streets and roads to that liquor store that’s always open late. Then keep an eye out for the lone rider, approaching your party while yelling “Beer is coming, beer is coming!”. This ride will be forever known as “the Re-beer ride”.

Still, try not to drink too much.  You know you drank too much beer, if by the dawn’s early light you wake up to find yourself crossing the Delaware river in somebody’s boat.

If you are too young to drink beer, it’s perfectly ok to drink tea. Yes, it’s still a patriotic thing to do, because when you are dropping the teabag into the water, you are creating a miniature re-enactment of the Boston Tea Party in your tea cup.

Grill plenty of burgers. Remember, those burgers sacrificed their lives for your freedom to eat them.

End the celebration with fireworks.  Buy plenty of fireworks and break laws if you have to.  Remember, it’s a proud American tradition to break state laws to buy the fireworks, because, seriously, what’s the point of having freedom if you aren’t free to buy fireworks to celebrate your freedom?

Invite your friends to watch your fireworks. Set off the fireworks when you see the whites of their eyes. Call the ambulance if you still see the whites of their eyes 20 minutes after setting off the fireworks.

Have a safe and fun Independence Day!

P.S. It’s totally up to you whether to invite your British friends.

How To Work From Home

Thinking about working from home? Take this short quiz to find out if it’s for you:

  • Do you want to work from home?

If you’ve answered ‘yes’ to any of the above questions, then working remotely is right for you. The following steps will help you find success in the virtual work world.

Step 1. Convince your employer it’s a good idea to let you work from home

Most people make the mistake of giving a presentation showcasing why working remotely is more productive than working in an office setting. All this does is convince your boss you hate her by forcing her to lose minutes of her life listening to your boring pitch. I prefer the Liability Method wherein you sprain your thumb in a freak copier accident, or sexually harass yourself in front of others. Legal will be more than happy to keep their “lawsuit on legs” out of the office.

Step 2. Set up you work area

The right tools are essential in getting work done. Visit your local Ikea store, and purchase the latest Jackenoffer coffee table, and Masturbaten couch. Place both in front of your 190” LCD television, and turn it to one of the 47 Law & Order: SVU marathons as watching television while working has been shown to increase productivity by -7%.

LAWORDERSVU

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How To Get Smarter

Everyone wants intelligence. That’s why we all willingly go to school for our entire childhood and then spend the next two decades’ worth of income (that is, if you’re an engineer – if you study something like art or literature, you can expect to pay that shit off in HAHAHAHA years) on more education. But isn’t there an easier path to a bigger brain?

No, there isn’t, you idiot.

But here’s a ten-step guide to making yourself smarter anyway.

1. Read a book

A surefire way to superiority is to partake in the reading of a great novel. The older, the better. Just pick up your copy of Great Expectations and… Oh. Holy shit this is long. Good lord, what’s up with this word? “Architectooralooral?” Screw this, let’s start with something easier.

2. Read some poetry

This is short! You can make it through this! Okay, so… The poet is comparing the grass to his mistress’ eyelashes, right?  And the rolling hills are… Ooh, this is dirty. Perhaps we should try something else.

3. Learn to play an instrument

Studies show that children who take part in the fine arts score marginally higher on standardized tests. Just because you’re old doesn’t mean you have to miss out on the free brainpower! Just sit down at that piano and practice, practice, practice! Yeah, just go ahead and… Oh. Oh God. Okay, please stop. Damn it, see, now the dog is scratching up the front door.

4. Take up an internship

You’ll get some direct experience this way. Direct experience in slave labor, that is.

5. Work some math problems

There’s nothing quite as exciting as buckling down with some intense number play. It really stimulates the left hemisphere of your brain. Just grab your calculator and –

math

What the hell, what happened to the numbers? I thought this was math!

6. Do a crossword puzzle

This is a surefire way to test your vocabulary and build upon it. Ah, here’s a good one. Let’s see, the first clue is, “Name of stick used in Zimbabwe as a toiletry.” Okay, that’s a little tough, but we can come back to it once we fill in some letters. Next clue. “Location of the first kitten space program.” Never mind.

7. Watch a stimulating movie

The horror. The horror.

8. Sudoku?

Because the math and crosswords both worked so well on their own.

9. Eat paint

Believe it or not, this will work! It’s caused by the Dunning-Kruger effect. If you make yourself dumber, you’ll feel smarter. Once you feel significantly brainy, start your own talk show on Fox News. And don’t worry about consuming too much paint. If you die, you’ll gain infinite enlightenment in the afterlife. It’s foolproof.

10. Read How-To blogs

At the end of the day, all you really need is some schmuck who may or may not have any sort of credibility teaching you how to do things instead of figuring it out on your own.

How to Lose Weight

Summer is nearly here and with that the arrival of banana-thong season:

bananathongAccording to every magazine, you are fat and you only need to follow “these 8 simple steps” to lose weight. According to every magazine, the ideal woman-shape is this:

idealwoman

According to every magazine, the ideal man shape is this:

idealmanshapeHow do you get to your ideal shape? Simple! By following “these 8 simple steps:”

1. Don’t eat food. If you start to feel light-headed, stuff yourself with packing peanuts. They’re only 7 calories a ton!

2. Exercise a lot. The optimal exercise program would combine using an Ab Roller®,  a Shakeweight® and a ThighMaster® simultaneously.

3. Move to the moon. You will automatically weigh less because of the weaker gravitational pull. That’s science, my friend. Only don’t eat the moon because it’s made of cheese and cheese is fattening–even on the moon.

4. Drink Slim-Fast® shakes to the point of nausea. This will take one sip.

5. Remove extraneous organs. Did you know your intestines are, like, 30 feet long! Think how much thinner you’d be if you slimmed that down by 10 feet. Not only would you weigh less, but you innards will be less cluttered and more attractive. And you will lose weight because you will feel like shit during your recovery. No pain, no gain–wait, I mean, more pain, less gain. Medicine!

6. If you’re struggling with the whole non-eating step, move to where a zombie apocalypse is occuring. Food will likely be scarce and hard to get because, you know, zombies and stuff.

7. More exercise. Are you shaking your Shakeweight® vigorously enough? It should be at the point where you’re beaning yourself in the head. Remember, if you’re unconscious, you’re less likely to eat. But don’t get too unconscious because then you can’t do your squats.

8. Get some muscular harpy-like thing to shriek “motivation” into your face. Something like this:

jillianmichaelsPeople seem to like it on that Biggest Loser show, and when has reality television ever been wrong?

9. This step doesn’t exist because there are only eight.

How To Shop At Target

So you’ve decided you’re sick of Wal-Mart’s low, low prices and want to shift to something a little classier. “Target’s pretty cool, I want to shop there!” you say. Well, before you stroll on over to the local installment of the Best Company Ever, take a moment to learn how to have a truly Fast, Fun, and Friendly shopping experience!

1. Pick a good time

Plan your heaviest shopping for Sunday. If you aren’t running the danger of colliding with someone every three steps, you’re shopping wrong. Also, free samples! If you plan this carefully, you could probably get all three of your meals for the day by wandering through the grocery section. Just be sure to grab a new shirt from the clothing section every time so the employees – sorry, Team Members – don’t get suspicious.

2. Dress to impress

Before you head to the store, put on your favorite red shirt and khaki pants. Team members love it when guests try to fit in with the Target style! It shows that you’re a dedicated customer – argh, Guest – that just wants to fit in with the gang.

3. Safety first

Bring any and all small children you have access to. If possible, plan your shopping for when they should really be napping or something to maximize the likelihood of an outburst. If you get lost in the intimates section, it helps the search party a lot if they can hear shrieks coming from the jungle of lingerie.

4. Asking for help

If you can’t find what you’re looking for, try to be clever about asking where to look. Getting polite, straightforward questions all day can get boring for team members. Mix it up! You’ll brighten their day and subsequently, yours. Here are a few examples, starting with what not to ask:

  • “Excuse me, where are the edible underpants?”
  • “Hi, can you tell me where I might find the industrial-strength breast pumps? These regular sets just won’t satisfy my needs.”

Instead, opt for something a little more strange. If you’re too polite, you’ll lose all semblance of your quirky uniqueness! Try something like the following:

  • “Where’s the bathroom at?”
  • “Porno section. Where is it?”
  • “If I was a toenail clipper, would I find myself right down yonder?”
  • [Awkward stare.] (This is especially effective. When a team member can’t figure out if you need help or not, it’s like a little game. You’re just helping them out with a little mental exercise. Fun!)
  • “Whurdalatbulbs.”
  • “Where’s your hunting section? Also, do you sell antidepressants?”

5. Stand your ground

The customer – geh, fukkin… Guest – is always right! If a team member tells you the store doesn’t carry an item any more, they’re probably being lazy and don’t want to look for it. If you bought it there last year, insist that they must still have them somewhere. You’ll get those discontinued insect repellent wipes eventually.

6. Alert others to better discounts

If you decide you’re just going to buy something at Wal-Mart, be sure to let a team member know. The louder, the better! Other customers – I swear to God… GUESTS – want to know where the best discounts are. You’ll save some fellow shoppers some money and let the team member know where to direct future guests looking for the same item.

6. Save time efficiently

If you decide you don’t want an item and you’re more than ten inches from its home location, find somewhere to discreetly tuck it away. D-cup bras are perfect for frozen chickens, but don’t use anything smaller. B-cups won’t support your discarded fowl properly and are more suited to small bags of chips.

7. Abandon your cart if necessary

You’re tough. You’re strong. You don’t need a cart. Why’d you bring it all the way to the back of the store? Just leave it there. You can carry everything, you hunk of testosterone, you.

8. Protect your image

If you drop something and break it, don’t tell anyone. That shame is not yours to bear. Besides, it’s extra fun for team members to come up with a backstory for any damaged item they find lying around the store. Where did the blue goo come from? Is it ectoplasm? Or do we have an alien spy among us?

9. Make small talk

Check lanes are awkward, but they’re a great chance to work on your comedy routine. If an item won’t scan, make some sort of crack about how it must be free. It’s funnier every time!

How To Mix Blogging And Working Successfully

English: cubicle

Warning: people blogging! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s a well-known fact that many bloggers have to juggle working at a full-time job and writing a blog*, and they often complain that their work encroaches on their blogging time, and vice versa. Both activities are very time consuming, and nosy co-workers and managers can make it very difficult to dedicate even a few hours of your workday to blogging. Remember, while blogging and working are both important, your company probably has other employees to move the work forward, but there is no one else to write your blog for you. However, the importance of keeping your job cannot be underestimated either: it helps you pay for your internet and therefore for blogging, provides blog fodder and hundreds of potential blog followers in your co-workers. Here are some tips on how to blog yet make it seem like you’re working.

  • Make sure to factor in blog-related deadlines along with your work-related deadlines. Add blog deadlines to your Outlook calendar as well. When planning how long your work-related projects will take, always factor in 6-10 hours of blogging time every day, and allow an extra day in case your post gets Freshly Pressed and you have to respond to hundreds of comments. (In the unlikely event that your post doesn’t get Freshly Pressed, you can always troll Freshly Pressed posts of other bloggers.)
  • Write comments in the Outlook E-mail messages rather than in the comments sections of the blogs where you plan to comment, and return to the blog to paste the completed comment. Not only you are actually blogging, but you also create an appearance of passionately typing a work-related e-mail. However, make sure that you don’t click on “send”, unless you’re absolutely sure that your manager is interested in your opinion on Michele Bachmann, anime or farts.
  • If your manager is interested in your opinion on Michele Bachmann, anime or farts, ask him/her to follow your blog. Didn’t s/he ask you to cc: him/her on all important stuff? And isn’t your blog important to you?
  • When your co-workers ask you to do something, agree to help on the condition that they follow your blog. Yes, they may complain to HR, but you can use this opportunity to convert your HR representative into your loyal follower.
  • Hint for Twitter users: Adding a #work hashtag automatically makes any tweet work-related.
  • When making a PowerPoint presentation for a team meeting, “accidentally” slip your latest and greatest post into the presentation. Let attendees read it in full before you “notice” the “mistake”. After the meeting, log out of your WordPress account and refresh the blog post page as many times as there were people at meeting: unfortunately, WordPress doesn’t count the PowerPoint views, and you probably want your stats page to reflect the accurate count of blog post views.
  • Spend a lot of time on your Stats page. It looks very professional at a cursory view, and if anyone asks, you can always explain that it’s a new productivity metric. Well, it is! It measures how productive your blog readers are: if you see a lot of views and comments, they are not very productive.
  • For your blog, pick a theme that most closely resembles the screen view of an application you have to use for work. There is a reason WordPress carries so many blog themes and even lets you customize them.

* Note that some people claim to juggle a full-time job, a blog, and raising multiple kids. However, that is physically impossible and we will not even discuss it here.

How To Have a Successful First Date

Your audition tape for The Bachelorette was rejected so now you must meet someone on your own and engage in an activity not pre-planned by television producers. That can be tricky. Our fast-paced, screened-in, text-messaging society can leave one’s real social interactions skills a bit rusty. You may be wondering: Do I make eye contact? Should I live-tweet this date? Is ‘gyro’ pronounced ‘gy-row’ or ‘hero’? This is why I am here to help. By virtue of possessing a vagina, I know all things all other vagina-possessing people view as dating do’s and don’ts.

1. Don’t mention how your other ex-girlfriends have been murdered. This may seem obvious, but I actually overheard a man say this to a woman on what was likely their one and only date. Even if you finish the thought with: “I hope things work out differently with you,” you still have likely made your date feel slightly uncomfortable and fearful for her life. 

2. Do select a nice venue. A picnic at the local landfill may not carry the same scent of romance as a picnic in the park. Other venues to avoid: Cock and/or dog-fighting arenas, Walmart, McDonald’s play palaces, slaughterhouses, the embalming room at funeral homes, sewage treatment plants and Brooklyn-based King’s County Bar on July 20 when it is hosting “The Smallest Penis” contest.

3. Don’t broadcast the entire date on a multitude of social networking sites. You’re tweeting how your date has an entire corn kernal stuck in her front teeth #awkward; you’re instagramming your KFC double down; you’re updating your enigmatic Facebook status update to read “Corn-tastrophe”; you’re creating surveys in Survey Monkey asking friends to gauge your chance of an end-of-the-evening handjob; you’re updating your bowel temperature on assheat.com every few minutes–you’re spending so much time on these activities that you have not spoken to your date in three hours, and KFC employees have asked you to leave so they can commence with cleaning out the grease trap #awkward. Stick with only one social network site so 35% of your attention can be on your date.

4. Do keep weeping to a minimum. I know Speaker John Boehner looks sexy as hell when he weeps because it’s a Tuesday, but it’s less sexy when you’re cryingly answering your date’s question about your employment or your thoughts on Dancing with the Stars.

5. Do ask about her interests. As sitcoms, commercials and movies have shown, women are objects that enjoy bright, shiny baubles. They love to talk about shoes, and they can barely contain their excitement around new and improved cleaning products. Do ask her about “woman things” like chocolate, yeast infections, and legitmate rape.

womanthings

6. Don’t ask her to join your cult. It’s better to lull her in by breaking her spirit first.

7. Don’t read how-to posts on dating advice. The author likely knows very little and is just trying to meet a deadline.

How To Put Together Porch Furniture

Spring is here, and with that the obligation to do things outside and make property look acceptable to judging neighbors.

A few months back, I purchased a home in a family-friendly neighborhood. My previous home fronted a four-lane state highway and was a block away from the local hospital. This passed for landscape design:

amazingdecorIt set the perfect backdrop for the time my neighbor’s daughter decided to pour gasoline onto my driveway.

But now I must keep up with the Jones’ or the Smith’s or whatever their names may be, I’m not very neighborly. So I ordered wicker porch chairs from Target. This is how they arrived:

This does not look like a chair.

This does not look like a chair.

And this is how my amazing how-to on How To Put Together Porch Furniture came into being.

Step 1. Open box and dump out all the parts. Weep.

chairinpartsStep 2: Look for the directions.

"Helloooooooo??"

“Helloooooooo??”

Step 3. After much kicking of empty box, locate a miniscule box with the words “Important: don’t throw away” under a heap of chair parts.

Now, we're cooking.

Now, we’re cooking.

Step 4. Read step 1 of the directions:

instructions

*click to enlarge*

Step 5. Ask the directions if they are fucking with you.

*click to enlarge*

*click to enlarge*

Step 6. Stare with envy at neighbor across the street who seems perfectly content sitting in a folding chair on his front porch.

neighbor

Step 7. Attempt to stick pieces together into a chair-like shape.

I believe this is the bottom or at least it is now.

I believe this is the bottom or at least it is now.

Step 8. Make a pact with God.

Dear God,

If you help me figure this out, I will stop taking your name in vain while I assemble this clusterfuck of a chair.

Amen,

TOHTB

Step 9. Question the meaning of life when no help is provided. Go inside an open a bottle of wine.

Soon it will no longer matter what the chair looks like.

Soon it will no longer matter what the chair looks like.

Step 10. Figure now is the perfect time to let Target know what you think if its product.

emailtotarget

Step 11. Dicker around some more and eventually get to this somehow.

I am a fucking chair genius!

I am a fucking chair genius!

Step 12: Revel in your amazingness and then notice the second box.

For fuck's sake.

For fuck’s sake.

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