How to Have a Conversation

Texting has become the preferred form of communication. It initially was invented to facilitate conversation when face-to-face or the phone was not possible. But now when given the choice, most people would prefer to shoot a text than deal with the expressions that exist on people’s faces and the squawking sounds that emerge from saliva-ridden mouths. Ewww…gross. 😉

Occasionally you will find yourself in the presence of another living being and actually have to conduct a conversation in “real time.” 😯

This can be daunting. You may find yourself wondering how to express emotion without the assist of emoticons. You may find yourself worried that LOL is less powerful when said aloud. You may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife.

Don’t worry. Follow these steps and you will effortlessly sail through a conversation and then quickly return to your alloted 15 hours with your mobile device. 😀

1. Your natural instinct will be to answer the person’s questions through text.

conversationThis is a common mistake. The trick to having an actual conversation is to use your human body parts like your mouth, eyes and hands. Your lungs will supply the air that you need to get your voice going so take a breath and test out the vocal folds in your throat. Don’t get tense if you first sound like this “Unngghhhhhh????” You will get better with practice. Your eyes are necessary for looking at the other person. You can actually see how the person is responding to the sounds you are emitting. This way you can adjust your sounds if the person is making an expression like this: 😡

2. Practice beforehand. Try to use actual words rather than abbreviations when you are texting.

practice

3. While it may be taxing, you will need to respond to the person rather quickly since you are conducting a conversation in “real time.” You may be compelled to compulsively check Facebook to see if anyone has sent you life on Candy Crush Saga, but this type of behavior will disrupt the natural flow and rhythm of the real-time conversation. To avoid this, you should put your phone away. I see that you just set it off to the side, but you’re still looking at it. Put it out of sight. You just moved it a quarter of an inch. Put it where you cannot see it all. Okay, that’s better. . . why are you shaking?

4. Do not live-tweet or blog the converation while it’s happening. How do you tell someone she has arugula in her teeth? #awkward. That might make the person uncomfortable. Attempt to put all your attention on the other person and listen to the sounds squawking out of her saliva-ridden mouth. This will help you when formulating your response.

talking5. Don’t feel nervous if there are lulls in the conversation. There will be lulls because no one has any idea how to conduct face-to-face conversations anymore. Whatever you do, do not take a dick pic and text it to the person. You may think this will give you something to talk about, but no one in the world wants to see your penis.

dicpic______________________________________________________________________________

Want to read more from Speaker7? Visit here. No dick pics, please. 

How To Celebrate The Fourth Of July

Fireworks on the beach on the Fourth of July. ...

This looks very safe. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Many of you are well aware that Fourth of July is the American Independence day.  If you were ever unsure how exactly to celebrate it, here are a few helpful hints.

First of all, the celebration consists of four important parts, namely American flags, grilling food, drinking alcohol and fireworks.  While some of those parts seem unrelated to the history of American independence, all off these elements actually have deep connections to the American Revolutionary War.

Let’s start with the flag. Make sure to buy a lowest-quality American flag made in China. This may feel slightly unpatriotic, but in a few hours, when the flag falls apart and you have to sew it back together, you will feel exactly like Betsy Ross.

Drink a lot (like A LOT) of beer to celebrate the holiday. If you know your history, you should remember that the colonists threw out boxes of tea into the Boston Harbor, protesting when the British King tried to make the colonists drink tea instead of beer.

If Samuel Adams beer is sold in your region, drink that brand to honor one of the Founding Fathers. However, if you plan to drive, please remember that the legal founding father level in your blood should be below 0.05% to 0.1%, depending on the state where you live.

Of course, it’s much better to not to drink and drive. However, should you run out of beer mid-party, it’s still legal to send horseback rider to gallop through the dark streets and roads to that liquor store that’s always open late. Then keep an eye out for the lone rider, approaching your party while yelling “Beer is coming, beer is coming!”. This ride will be forever known as “the Re-beer ride”.

Still, try not to drink too much.  You know you drank too much beer, if by the dawn’s early light you wake up to find yourself crossing the Delaware river in somebody’s boat.

If you are too young to drink beer, it’s perfectly ok to drink tea. Yes, it’s still a patriotic thing to do, because when you are dropping the teabag into the water, you are creating a miniature re-enactment of the Boston Tea Party in your tea cup.

Grill plenty of burgers. Remember, those burgers sacrificed their lives for your freedom to eat them.

End the celebration with fireworks.  Buy plenty of fireworks and break laws if you have to.  Remember, it’s a proud American tradition to break state laws to buy the fireworks, because, seriously, what’s the point of having freedom if you aren’t free to buy fireworks to celebrate your freedom?

Invite your friends to watch your fireworks. Set off the fireworks when you see the whites of their eyes. Call the ambulance if you still see the whites of their eyes 20 minutes after setting off the fireworks.

Have a safe and fun Independence Day!

P.S. It’s totally up to you whether to invite your British friends.

How To Get Smarter

Everyone wants intelligence. That’s why we all willingly go to school for our entire childhood and then spend the next two decades’ worth of income (that is, if you’re an engineer – if you study something like art or literature, you can expect to pay that shit off in HAHAHAHA years) on more education. But isn’t there an easier path to a bigger brain?

No, there isn’t, you idiot.

But here’s a ten-step guide to making yourself smarter anyway.

1. Read a book

A surefire way to superiority is to partake in the reading of a great novel. The older, the better. Just pick up your copy of Great Expectations and… Oh. Holy shit this is long. Good lord, what’s up with this word? “Architectooralooral?” Screw this, let’s start with something easier.

2. Read some poetry

This is short! You can make it through this! Okay, so… The poet is comparing the grass to his mistress’ eyelashes, right?  And the rolling hills are… Ooh, this is dirty. Perhaps we should try something else.

3. Learn to play an instrument

Studies show that children who take part in the fine arts score marginally higher on standardized tests. Just because you’re old doesn’t mean you have to miss out on the free brainpower! Just sit down at that piano and practice, practice, practice! Yeah, just go ahead and… Oh. Oh God. Okay, please stop. Damn it, see, now the dog is scratching up the front door.

4. Take up an internship

You’ll get some direct experience this way. Direct experience in slave labor, that is.

5. Work some math problems

There’s nothing quite as exciting as buckling down with some intense number play. It really stimulates the left hemisphere of your brain. Just grab your calculator and –

math

What the hell, what happened to the numbers? I thought this was math!

6. Do a crossword puzzle

This is a surefire way to test your vocabulary and build upon it. Ah, here’s a good one. Let’s see, the first clue is, “Name of stick used in Zimbabwe as a toiletry.” Okay, that’s a little tough, but we can come back to it once we fill in some letters. Next clue. “Location of the first kitten space program.” Never mind.

7. Watch a stimulating movie

The horror. The horror.

8. Sudoku?

Because the math and crosswords both worked so well on their own.

9. Eat paint

Believe it or not, this will work! It’s caused by the Dunning-Kruger effect. If you make yourself dumber, you’ll feel smarter. Once you feel significantly brainy, start your own talk show on Fox News. And don’t worry about consuming too much paint. If you die, you’ll gain infinite enlightenment in the afterlife. It’s foolproof.

10. Read How-To blogs

At the end of the day, all you really need is some schmuck who may or may not have any sort of credibility teaching you how to do things instead of figuring it out on your own.

How to Lose Weight

Summer is nearly here and with that the arrival of banana-thong season:

bananathongAccording to every magazine, you are fat and you only need to follow “these 8 simple steps” to lose weight. According to every magazine, the ideal woman-shape is this:

idealwoman

According to every magazine, the ideal man shape is this:

idealmanshapeHow do you get to your ideal shape? Simple! By following “these 8 simple steps:”

1. Don’t eat food. If you start to feel light-headed, stuff yourself with packing peanuts. They’re only 7 calories a ton!

2. Exercise a lot. The optimal exercise program would combine using an Ab Roller®,  a Shakeweight® and a ThighMaster® simultaneously.

3. Move to the moon. You will automatically weigh less because of the weaker gravitational pull. That’s science, my friend. Only don’t eat the moon because it’s made of cheese and cheese is fattening–even on the moon.

4. Drink Slim-Fast® shakes to the point of nausea. This will take one sip.

5. Remove extraneous organs. Did you know your intestines are, like, 30 feet long! Think how much thinner you’d be if you slimmed that down by 10 feet. Not only would you weigh less, but you innards will be less cluttered and more attractive. And you will lose weight because you will feel like shit during your recovery. No pain, no gain–wait, I mean, more pain, less gain. Medicine!

6. If you’re struggling with the whole non-eating step, move to where a zombie apocalypse is occuring. Food will likely be scarce and hard to get because, you know, zombies and stuff.

7. More exercise. Are you shaking your Shakeweight® vigorously enough? It should be at the point where you’re beaning yourself in the head. Remember, if you’re unconscious, you’re less likely to eat. But don’t get too unconscious because then you can’t do your squats.

8. Get some muscular harpy-like thing to shriek “motivation” into your face. Something like this:

jillianmichaelsPeople seem to like it on that Biggest Loser show, and when has reality television ever been wrong?

9. This step doesn’t exist because there are only eight.

How To Shop At Target

So you’ve decided you’re sick of Wal-Mart’s low, low prices and want to shift to something a little classier. “Target’s pretty cool, I want to shop there!” you say. Well, before you stroll on over to the local installment of the Best Company Ever, take a moment to learn how to have a truly Fast, Fun, and Friendly shopping experience!

1. Pick a good time

Plan your heaviest shopping for Sunday. If you aren’t running the danger of colliding with someone every three steps, you’re shopping wrong. Also, free samples! If you plan this carefully, you could probably get all three of your meals for the day by wandering through the grocery section. Just be sure to grab a new shirt from the clothing section every time so the employees – sorry, Team Members – don’t get suspicious.

2. Dress to impress

Before you head to the store, put on your favorite red shirt and khaki pants. Team members love it when guests try to fit in with the Target style! It shows that you’re a dedicated customer – argh, Guest – that just wants to fit in with the gang.

3. Safety first

Bring any and all small children you have access to. If possible, plan your shopping for when they should really be napping or something to maximize the likelihood of an outburst. If you get lost in the intimates section, it helps the search party a lot if they can hear shrieks coming from the jungle of lingerie.

4. Asking for help

If you can’t find what you’re looking for, try to be clever about asking where to look. Getting polite, straightforward questions all day can get boring for team members. Mix it up! You’ll brighten their day and subsequently, yours. Here are a few examples, starting with what not to ask:

  • “Excuse me, where are the edible underpants?”
  • “Hi, can you tell me where I might find the industrial-strength breast pumps? These regular sets just won’t satisfy my needs.”

Instead, opt for something a little more strange. If you’re too polite, you’ll lose all semblance of your quirky uniqueness! Try something like the following:

  • “Where’s the bathroom at?”
  • “Porno section. Where is it?”
  • “If I was a toenail clipper, would I find myself right down yonder?”
  • [Awkward stare.] (This is especially effective. When a team member can’t figure out if you need help or not, it’s like a little game. You’re just helping them out with a little mental exercise. Fun!)
  • “Whurdalatbulbs.”
  • “Where’s your hunting section? Also, do you sell antidepressants?”

5. Stand your ground

The customer – geh, fukkin… Guest – is always right! If a team member tells you the store doesn’t carry an item any more, they’re probably being lazy and don’t want to look for it. If you bought it there last year, insist that they must still have them somewhere. You’ll get those discontinued insect repellent wipes eventually.

6. Alert others to better discounts

If you decide you’re just going to buy something at Wal-Mart, be sure to let a team member know. The louder, the better! Other customers – I swear to God… GUESTS – want to know where the best discounts are. You’ll save some fellow shoppers some money and let the team member know where to direct future guests looking for the same item.

6. Save time efficiently

If you decide you don’t want an item and you’re more than ten inches from its home location, find somewhere to discreetly tuck it away. D-cup bras are perfect for frozen chickens, but don’t use anything smaller. B-cups won’t support your discarded fowl properly and are more suited to small bags of chips.

7. Abandon your cart if necessary

You’re tough. You’re strong. You don’t need a cart. Why’d you bring it all the way to the back of the store? Just leave it there. You can carry everything, you hunk of testosterone, you.

8. Protect your image

If you drop something and break it, don’t tell anyone. That shame is not yours to bear. Besides, it’s extra fun for team members to come up with a backstory for any damaged item they find lying around the store. Where did the blue goo come from? Is it ectoplasm? Or do we have an alien spy among us?

9. Make small talk

Check lanes are awkward, but they’re a great chance to work on your comedy routine. If an item won’t scan, make some sort of crack about how it must be free. It’s funnier every time!

How To Mix Blogging And Working Successfully

English: cubicle

Warning: people blogging! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s a well-known fact that many bloggers have to juggle working at a full-time job and writing a blog*, and they often complain that their work encroaches on their blogging time, and vice versa. Both activities are very time consuming, and nosy co-workers and managers can make it very difficult to dedicate even a few hours of your workday to blogging. Remember, while blogging and working are both important, your company probably has other employees to move the work forward, but there is no one else to write your blog for you. However, the importance of keeping your job cannot be underestimated either: it helps you pay for your internet and therefore for blogging, provides blog fodder and hundreds of potential blog followers in your co-workers. Here are some tips on how to blog yet make it seem like you’re working.

  • Make sure to factor in blog-related deadlines along with your work-related deadlines. Add blog deadlines to your Outlook calendar as well. When planning how long your work-related projects will take, always factor in 6-10 hours of blogging time every day, and allow an extra day in case your post gets Freshly Pressed and you have to respond to hundreds of comments. (In the unlikely event that your post doesn’t get Freshly Pressed, you can always troll Freshly Pressed posts of other bloggers.)
  • Write comments in the Outlook E-mail messages rather than in the comments sections of the blogs where you plan to comment, and return to the blog to paste the completed comment. Not only you are actually blogging, but you also create an appearance of passionately typing a work-related e-mail. However, make sure that you don’t click on “send”, unless you’re absolutely sure that your manager is interested in your opinion on Michele Bachmann, anime or farts.
  • If your manager is interested in your opinion on Michele Bachmann, anime or farts, ask him/her to follow your blog. Didn’t s/he ask you to cc: him/her on all important stuff? And isn’t your blog important to you?
  • When your co-workers ask you to do something, agree to help on the condition that they follow your blog. Yes, they may complain to HR, but you can use this opportunity to convert your HR representative into your loyal follower.
  • Hint for Twitter users: Adding a #work hashtag automatically makes any tweet work-related.
  • When making a PowerPoint presentation for a team meeting, “accidentally” slip your latest and greatest post into the presentation. Let attendees read it in full before you “notice” the “mistake”. After the meeting, log out of your WordPress account and refresh the blog post page as many times as there were people at meeting: unfortunately, WordPress doesn’t count the PowerPoint views, and you probably want your stats page to reflect the accurate count of blog post views.
  • Spend a lot of time on your Stats page. It looks very professional at a cursory view, and if anyone asks, you can always explain that it’s a new productivity metric. Well, it is! It measures how productive your blog readers are: if you see a lot of views and comments, they are not very productive.
  • For your blog, pick a theme that most closely resembles the screen view of an application you have to use for work. There is a reason WordPress carries so many blog themes and even lets you customize them.

* Note that some people claim to juggle a full-time job, a blog, and raising multiple kids. However, that is physically impossible and we will not even discuss it here.

How To Have a Successful First Date

Your audition tape for The Bachelorette was rejected so now you must meet someone on your own and engage in an activity not pre-planned by television producers. That can be tricky. Our fast-paced, screened-in, text-messaging society can leave one’s real social interactions skills a bit rusty. You may be wondering: Do I make eye contact? Should I live-tweet this date? Is ‘gyro’ pronounced ‘gy-row’ or ‘hero’? This is why I am here to help. By virtue of possessing a vagina, I know all things all other vagina-possessing people view as dating do’s and don’ts.

1. Don’t mention how your other ex-girlfriends have been murdered. This may seem obvious, but I actually overheard a man say this to a woman on what was likely their one and only date. Even if you finish the thought with: “I hope things work out differently with you,” you still have likely made your date feel slightly uncomfortable and fearful for her life. 

2. Do select a nice venue. A picnic at the local landfill may not carry the same scent of romance as a picnic in the park. Other venues to avoid: Cock and/or dog-fighting arenas, Walmart, McDonald’s play palaces, slaughterhouses, the embalming room at funeral homes, sewage treatment plants and Brooklyn-based King’s County Bar on July 20 when it is hosting “The Smallest Penis” contest.

3. Don’t broadcast the entire date on a multitude of social networking sites. You’re tweeting how your date has an entire corn kernal stuck in her front teeth #awkward; you’re instagramming your KFC double down; you’re updating your enigmatic Facebook status update to read “Corn-tastrophe”; you’re creating surveys in Survey Monkey asking friends to gauge your chance of an end-of-the-evening handjob; you’re updating your bowel temperature on assheat.com every few minutes–you’re spending so much time on these activities that you have not spoken to your date in three hours, and KFC employees have asked you to leave so they can commence with cleaning out the grease trap #awkward. Stick with only one social network site so 35% of your attention can be on your date.

4. Do keep weeping to a minimum. I know Speaker John Boehner looks sexy as hell when he weeps because it’s a Tuesday, but it’s less sexy when you’re cryingly answering your date’s question about your employment or your thoughts on Dancing with the Stars.

5. Do ask about her interests. As sitcoms, commercials and movies have shown, women are objects that enjoy bright, shiny baubles. They love to talk about shoes, and they can barely contain their excitement around new and improved cleaning products. Do ask her about “woman things” like chocolate, yeast infections, and legitmate rape.

womanthings

6. Don’t ask her to join your cult. It’s better to lull her in by breaking her spirit first.

7. Don’t read how-to posts on dating advice. The author likely knows very little and is just trying to meet a deadline.

How To Put Together Porch Furniture

Spring is here, and with that the obligation to do things outside and make property look acceptable to judging neighbors.

A few months back, I purchased a home in a family-friendly neighborhood. My previous home fronted a four-lane state highway and was a block away from the local hospital. This passed for landscape design:

amazingdecorIt set the perfect backdrop for the time my neighbor’s daughter decided to pour gasoline onto my driveway.

But now I must keep up with the Jones’ or the Smith’s or whatever their names may be, I’m not very neighborly. So I ordered wicker porch chairs from Target. This is how they arrived:

This does not look like a chair.

This does not look like a chair.

And this is how my amazing how-to on How To Put Together Porch Furniture came into being.

Step 1. Open box and dump out all the parts. Weep.

chairinpartsStep 2: Look for the directions.

"Helloooooooo??"

“Helloooooooo??”

Step 3. After much kicking of empty box, locate a miniscule box with the words “Important: don’t throw away” under a heap of chair parts.

Now, we're cooking.

Now, we’re cooking.

Step 4. Read step 1 of the directions:

instructions

*click to enlarge*

Step 5. Ask the directions if they are fucking with you.

*click to enlarge*

*click to enlarge*

Step 6. Stare with envy at neighbor across the street who seems perfectly content sitting in a folding chair on his front porch.

neighbor

Step 7. Attempt to stick pieces together into a chair-like shape.

I believe this is the bottom or at least it is now.

I believe this is the bottom or at least it is now.

Step 8. Make a pact with God.

Dear God,

If you help me figure this out, I will stop taking your name in vain while I assemble this clusterfuck of a chair.

Amen,

TOHTB

Step 9. Question the meaning of life when no help is provided. Go inside an open a bottle of wine.

Soon it will no longer matter what the chair looks like.

Soon it will no longer matter what the chair looks like.

Step 10. Figure now is the perfect time to let Target know what you think if its product.

emailtotarget

Step 11. Dicker around some more and eventually get to this somehow.

I am a fucking chair genius!

I am a fucking chair genius!

Step 12: Revel in your amazingness and then notice the second box.

For fuck's sake.

For fuck’s sake.

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How to Overcome Writer’s Block

Writer’s block is an affliction that affects most writers. Writers who say they never suffer from writer’s block should be pelted with raw hamburger meat and thrown into an alligator pit. When it hits, you can feel anxious, and despair that you will never write anything again. But there are ways to overcome it without sacrificing your sanity in the process. Just follow these helpful steps:

1. Clear your head. Disconnect from all electronic devices. If you weren’t aware, the Internet is an extremely powerful distraction tool. Why, just when I was writing the previous sentence, I posted three status updates to Facebook, tweeted my 30-second trick to reduce belly fat, and watched a drunk kitten video on youtube. So what are we talking about? Um….

2. Oh, right! Writer’s block. Yes, so clear your head and disconnect from all electronic—just a sec…I’m getting a text…. “Wednesday, more like Wineday amirite, ladies” oh my god, I’m totally LOLing right now. I’m LOLing so much I’m PALOLing. That stands for Peeing And Laughing Out Loud. What should I write back? Fuck! That’s right I have writer’s block. . . I’ve got nothing. If only there was some way to overcome writer’s block. . .

3. Did you know happyplace.com does these “If Game of Thrones Took Place on Facebook” recaps? They are awesome. And a quick read…wait! I’ve been on the internet for 10 hours?!? What day is it? Is it still Wineday?

4. Okay…okay. We are totally focusing right now and by “We” I mean, me and that marble that keeps rolling around inside my head. It is very distracting. Before I continue with the steps, I’m going to quickly hop onto medlineplus.com, type in my symptoms and diagnose myself with cancer. Hm…it turns out I have writer’s block. If only there was some way to overcome writer’s block. . .

5. I should eat something. I’ve had six cups of coffee in the last 30 seconds and just did the cinnamon stick challenge–a tweak of the dangerous cinnamon challenge–for a youtube video. I’m a little jumpy, and why the fuck has no one liked my status update on Facebook?!? I guess no one wants world hunger to end. That’s on you “friend.” People are so fucking selfish. Repost if you agree.

6. What is this list?

7. I actually went back and reread what I wrote to figure out what I’m writing. It took three hours because I had to help a “friend” harvest her goddamn tomatoes on her fake, fucking FarmVille farm. So, writer’s block . . . there are ways to overcome it. The first thing you should do is disconnect from all distractions like phones and computers–wait a sec. . . How could the tomatoes have died?!?!?!?

8. I’ll finish this later…Dance Moms is on.

dancemoms