How to Go Fishing. . . For Compliments

This guest post originally appeared on For Love Of Makeup. Out of concern that The Official How To Blog readers were not sufficiently posing with the pursed lips of a duck for all photos, I decided to republish this here. Many thanks to Rhiannon for helping us all become the best us’s we can be–and by “us,” I mean “me.”
_______________________________________________________________________________
Think you’re looking pretty bloody good? Want people to tell you so? Follow these simple steps and watch badly worded comments such as, “Ur so pretty hun” and, “Dayym those guns are sick!” come flooding in.
 
What will you need to do this?
 
• A camera
• A mirror
• A shameless and unwavering belief that you are much better looking than you actually are
• A social networking outlet
 
So, assuming you are in possession of the above, let’s go fishing!
 
Step 1.
 
There’s no point in going fishing if there are no fish in the water.
Now, this is probably the most important step and the foundation of the whole fishing trip. So, to set yourself up for a catch, you must first follow/ be friends with like-minded people who will leave you compliments with the hope that you will do the same for them. Alternatively, you could befriend perverts (no doubt they will find you eventually anyway) and they will also leave you comments. Although these are more likely to be comments such as “Do you have a webcam?” rather than the ego boosting compliments you were hoping for
Step 2.
 
Ladies:
In order to successfully gain compliments, you will first need to apply as much makeup to your face as you physically can. Basically just make sure you look nothing like your real self–no one wants to see that. 
 
Next, try to manipulate your inadequately thin lips into a pout to rival Angelina Jolie’s. Make sure you nail this as it will be your expression for all the photos you ever take. If you end up looking like daffy duck, or like this photo of Lindsay Lohan, then you’ve surpassed yourself.
lindsaylohan
Gentlemen:
 
For you, there is no requirement for makeup. All you need to be able to do is narrow your eyes in a seemingly seductive way, adopt a brooding, dangerous look, and flex the gun which is not holding your camera.
 
Step 3:
 
Take photos of yourself.
 
To make sure you capture the optimal pose, it may be best if you first look at yourself in the mirror to ascertain your best angle. Once you have looked at yourself enough and decided that the world ought to see the spectacle that is you, hold your camera up and take a photo of your reflection in the mirror.
 
Another option is to turn your camera to face yourself, and take multiple shots of your face, hoping that one of them is unrealistically flattering.
 
Step 4.
 
Examine your photos. Like what you see? Of course you do. Upload them immediately.
 
In some cases, you may want to add a completely irrelevant caption, to try to detract people from the fact that you were just taking photos of yourself in the name of vanity. Example captions could be, “Morning peeps! Have a great day!” or you could pretend that the purpose of your photo is actually self-deprecating and you could write something like, “Argh! I  so hate my eyebrows!”. This is a sure fire way to fish for reassuring and praising comments.
 
Step 5.
 
If you have followed the above instructions well, you are sure to haul in a good catch. If this is the case, you can just sit back and bask in the shower of compliments that will rain down on your album titled, “Me”.
 
However, if you have made the textbook error of befriending anyone who speaks their mind, you may find that you are told to politely, “Get over yourself you *!$*#*!”
 
So that concludes this step-by-step guide. I hope you have found it useful and will very soon enjoy the benefits of a boosted ego.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Official How To Blog is the one true source for all information and duckfacery.

How To Be a Bloghole

Today’s guest post first appeared on When Crazy Meets Exhaustion. I liked it because it reminded me another favorite topic: the humblebrag. I wrote about that and now you will read my post immediately, then follow me and then like everything I do and then put a clause in your will demanding the same servitude from your descendants. I think I’m getting the hang of this blogholeness, and you can too! Take it away When Crazy Meets Exhaustion:

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

I started blogging so I didn’t stab myself in the eye with a rusty fork.

Let me start over.

I started blogging because, as a work-from-home-mom-of-two, I didn’t have time to take a crap in private.

Dammit. Trying this one more time.

I start blogging because I love to write.

There it is.

I love the feeling of pride and catharsis after hitting publish. I love getting comments and feedback from readers. I love that it is something I do just for me.

What I don’t love is that there are some real jerkfaces out there masquerading around, pretending to care about my writing. Yours, too. I didn’t coin the term, but it’s perfection: bloghole. According to Tara at You Know It Happens At Your House, Too, a bloghole is “someone that talks, tweets, and acts poorly in a blog.”

I don’t make a good bloghole because I can’t pretend to like something when I don’t. Once a gal commented on my blog and, out of courtesy, I checked her out. This chick’s blog was dedicated to the Mesozoic idea that women are on earth solely to please their men, suggesting that wives always wear make-up and look “dressed up” when our husbands come home from work. I’m sorry, but even 1952 thinks that’s ridonkulous.

Even though I’m a sucky one, there is hope for those aspiring blogholes out there. Here are some tips to help them become the very best blogholes they can be:

blogholery

1. Seek out other bloggers’ Facebook pages, “like” them, and then leave an annoying message such as, “Liked you. Here’s my page.” You should always assume the other party is interested in you and excited to reciprocate.

2. Follow 23,8893 people on Twitter. The second one of them follows you back, unfollow immediately. It’s *super* important to have your followers outnumber those you follow because it makes you closer to Jesus.

3. Participate in blog hops but not really. Link up for exposure, but don’t show any interest in the other writers. This is cut-throat. No need to play nice.

4. Stalk the Top 25 fill-in-the-blank bloggers. Within 17 minutes, leave a comment on every post they’ve ever written, and then tag them on Twitter like you’re BFFs.

5. Contact all of your favorite bloggers via e-mail and ask them to write for you. They would love to hand over their ideas  for nothing in return. It’s not like they’re attached to their writing or anything.

6. Piggybacking off of #5, if you like another blogger’s post, feel free to reblog it without asking permission and/or giving it credit. Plagiarism only means something in a high school English classroom.

7. A legit bloghole doesn’t try to find writers with a purpose or style similar to his/her own. They are indiscriminately obnoxious.

8. When commenting on others’ blogs, find a way to work your own into it:“Loved this post! You really made me laugh. I bet I can make you laugh. Just give me the chance. Seriously, give me a chance. I’ll make you shart in your pants. Check me out at http://www.blogholemanners.com.”

9. Completely ignore the fact that there is a real person behind the computer. Judge every word, rip apart every post, and don’t rule out mother-effing them if they don’t respond to your Tweet, e-mail, Facebook message, and comment. We’re not in this to make friends.

10. If you don’t remember #1 – 9, remember this, the most important guideline to becoming a successful bloghole: write about anything that you believe will increase your readership and popularity. Staying true to yourself and finding your voice is completely overrated. Be a traitor to the truth. Be a sell-out. Be Elton John serenading the homo-hating Rush Limbaugh at his 2010 wedding. Whatever you do, don’t be you.

I have more stretch marks than I have Twitter followers, and if I cared any less, I would be my husband watching the Beyonce HBO special I forced upon him. But I sure hope that these guidelines prove useful to anyone who strives to be a big ol’ bloghole.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Reread step 5 and pledged your servitude to me realize that writing for The Official How To Blog is all you ever wanted and more. 

The Official How To Blog is the one true source for all information and blogholery.

How to Fold a Fitted Sheet

This may seem like an insurmountable feat along the same lines as making a soufflé or listening to someone talk sincerely about Kimye’s relationship. But it can be done, if you follow these official how-to steps.

Step 1: Begin with a fitted sheet. This may seem obvious, but many times the act of folding a fitted sheet is derailed because one is actually trying to fold a McFish Bite™.

Step 2: Take the two lower corners and bring them together. Don’t be discouraged by the fact that fitted sheets do not have corners. It should look like this:

lowercorner

Step 3 : Then take the two upper corners and mash them around a bit. It should look like this:

uppercorners

Step 4: Kick at it for a little bit. Let it know who’s the boss. Tony Danza obvs.

footkicking

Step 5: Okay so that didn’t work. Punch a wall. Seriously. It will make you feel better. Now start over.

Step 6: This time fold one upper corner and one lower corner. How do you know which one is which? That is a really good question.

Step 7: Just keep folding until it looks less like a mushroom cap and more like a wrinkled pantsuit.

secondattempt

Step 8: Flatten it with a heavy book.

book

Step 9: Remove the book.

Step 10: Stuff the wadded mess underneath a pile of other sheets in the deep recesses of your closet.

Ta-da.

Ta-da.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Want to know how to do something? Ask The Official How To Blog for help. 

Want to share your vast knowledge of boogie boarding with the world? Write for The Official How To Blog, and experience all the satisfaction that comes with writing for free. 

The Official How To Blog is the one-true source for all information and tanning needs.

How To Attract Readers

You have just started a blog. No one cares.

Follow these sure-fire steps to increase your readership tenfold. Do not be swayed by the fact that this blog has no followers. It will once I follow the steps that I will create from consulting a magic eight ball.

Step 1: Write about popular topics. Simply mentioning Fifty Shades will drive traffic to your blog. Do not worry. You do not have to actually read the book. Other popular topics:

  • salsa
  • the dust bowl
  • sequestration
  • VHS vs. Betamax

Step 2: Include pictures. People like to look at stuff, but good stuff not crap stuff. Design your own composite of Christian Grey (seriously Fifty Shades will get you hits). Something like this:

The smoldering combination of Donald Trump hair, Michele Bachman eyes, Gonzo the Muppet nose and Gary Busey mouth. Holy cow!

The smoldering combination of Donald Trump hair, Michele Bachmann eyes, Gonzo the Muppet nose and Gary Busey mouth. Holy cow!

Step 3: Douse your blog in generous amounts of Axe Body Spray.

Step 4: Ask people to follow your blog. When they attempt to brush you off, start crying and peeing. They will immediately agree to follow your blog to get you to stop. You can use this tactic in person too.

Step 5: Pretend your blog is more important than it really is. Give it a title like “The Official Something Or Other.” Readers like to think they’re following the work of someone important. Name-drop in posts as much as possible, for example, “I was peeing and crying with Gary Busey the other day…”

Step 6: Porn.

_____________________________________________________________________

Want to know how to do something? Ask The Official How To Blog for help. 

Want to share your vast knowledge of insect excrement with the world? Write for The Official How To Blog, and experience all the satisfaction that comes with writing for free. 

The Official How To Blog is the one-true source for all information and dietary needs.