How To Get Smarter

Everyone wants intelligence. That’s why we all willingly go to school for our entire childhood and then spend the next two decades’ worth of income (that is, if you’re an engineer – if you study something like art or literature, you can expect to pay that shit off in HAHAHAHA years) on more education. But isn’t there an easier path to a bigger brain?

No, there isn’t, you idiot.

But here’s a ten-step guide to making yourself smarter anyway.

1. Read a book

A surefire way to superiority is to partake in the reading of a great novel. The older, the better. Just pick up your copy of Great Expectations and… Oh. Holy shit this is long. Good lord, what’s up with this word? “Architectooralooral?” Screw this, let’s start with something easier.

2. Read some poetry

This is short! You can make it through this! Okay, so… The poet is comparing the grass to his mistress’ eyelashes, right?  And the rolling hills are… Ooh, this is dirty. Perhaps we should try something else.

3. Learn to play an instrument

Studies show that children who take part in the fine arts score marginally higher on standardized tests. Just because you’re old doesn’t mean you have to miss out on the free brainpower! Just sit down at that piano and practice, practice, practice! Yeah, just go ahead and… Oh. Oh God. Okay, please stop. Damn it, see, now the dog is scratching up the front door.

4. Take up an internship

You’ll get some direct experience this way. Direct experience in slave labor, that is.

5. Work some math problems

There’s nothing quite as exciting as buckling down with some intense number play. It really stimulates the left hemisphere of your brain. Just grab your calculator and –


What the hell, what happened to the numbers? I thought this was math!

6. Do a crossword puzzle

This is a surefire way to test your vocabulary and build upon it. Ah, here’s a good one. Let’s see, the first clue is, “Name of stick used in Zimbabwe as a toiletry.” Okay, that’s a little tough, but we can come back to it once we fill in some letters. Next clue. “Location of the first kitten space program.” Never mind.

7. Watch a stimulating movie

The horror. The horror.

8. Sudoku?

Because the math and crosswords both worked so well on their own.

9. Eat paint

Believe it or not, this will work! It’s caused by the Dunning-Kruger effect. If you make yourself dumber, you’ll feel smarter. Once you feel significantly brainy, start your own talk show on Fox News. And don’t worry about consuming too much paint. If you die, you’ll gain infinite enlightenment in the afterlife. It’s foolproof.

10. Read How-To blogs

At the end of the day, all you really need is some schmuck who may or may not have any sort of credibility teaching you how to do things instead of figuring it out on your own.


How To Shop At Target

So you’ve decided you’re sick of Wal-Mart’s low, low prices and want to shift to something a little classier. “Target’s pretty cool, I want to shop there!” you say. Well, before you stroll on over to the local installment of the Best Company Ever, take a moment to learn how to have a truly Fast, Fun, and Friendly shopping experience!

1. Pick a good time

Plan your heaviest shopping for Sunday. If you aren’t running the danger of colliding with someone every three steps, you’re shopping wrong. Also, free samples! If you plan this carefully, you could probably get all three of your meals for the day by wandering through the grocery section. Just be sure to grab a new shirt from the clothing section every time so the employees – sorry, Team Members – don’t get suspicious.

2. Dress to impress

Before you head to the store, put on your favorite red shirt and khaki pants. Team members love it when guests try to fit in with the Target style! It shows that you’re a dedicated customer – argh, Guest – that just wants to fit in with the gang.

3. Safety first

Bring any and all small children you have access to. If possible, plan your shopping for when they should really be napping or something to maximize the likelihood of an outburst. If you get lost in the intimates section, it helps the search party a lot if they can hear shrieks coming from the jungle of lingerie.

4. Asking for help

If you can’t find what you’re looking for, try to be clever about asking where to look. Getting polite, straightforward questions all day can get boring for team members. Mix it up! You’ll brighten their day and subsequently, yours. Here are a few examples, starting with what not to ask:

  • “Excuse me, where are the edible underpants?”
  • “Hi, can you tell me where I might find the industrial-strength breast pumps? These regular sets just won’t satisfy my needs.”

Instead, opt for something a little more strange. If you’re too polite, you’ll lose all semblance of your quirky uniqueness! Try something like the following:

  • “Where’s the bathroom at?”
  • “Porno section. Where is it?”
  • “If I was a toenail clipper, would I find myself right down yonder?”
  • [Awkward stare.] (This is especially effective. When a team member can’t figure out if you need help or not, it’s like a little game. You’re just helping them out with a little mental exercise. Fun!)
  • “Whurdalatbulbs.”
  • “Where’s your hunting section? Also, do you sell antidepressants?”

5. Stand your ground

The customer – geh, fukkin… Guest – is always right! If a team member tells you the store doesn’t carry an item any more, they’re probably being lazy and don’t want to look for it. If you bought it there last year, insist that they must still have them somewhere. You’ll get those discontinued insect repellent wipes eventually.

6. Alert others to better discounts

If you decide you’re just going to buy something at Wal-Mart, be sure to let a team member know. The louder, the better! Other customers – I swear to God… GUESTS – want to know where the best discounts are. You’ll save some fellow shoppers some money and let the team member know where to direct future guests looking for the same item.

6. Save time efficiently

If you decide you don’t want an item and you’re more than ten inches from its home location, find somewhere to discreetly tuck it away. D-cup bras are perfect for frozen chickens, but don’t use anything smaller. B-cups won’t support your discarded fowl properly and are more suited to small bags of chips.

7. Abandon your cart if necessary

You’re tough. You’re strong. You don’t need a cart. Why’d you bring it all the way to the back of the store? Just leave it there. You can carry everything, you hunk of testosterone, you.

8. Protect your image

If you drop something and break it, don’t tell anyone. That shame is not yours to bear. Besides, it’s extra fun for team members to come up with a backstory for any damaged item they find lying around the store. Where did the blue goo come from? Is it ectoplasm? Or do we have an alien spy among us?

9. Make small talk

Check lanes are awkward, but they’re a great chance to work on your comedy routine. If an item won’t scan, make some sort of crack about how it must be free. It’s funnier every time!