How to write the perfect post for your blog

Arrogant much?  Not at all, but it does prove my point.  Or my first tip of many:  Use a catchy title.

It’s the most important component of a perfect post.  A few words that has the potential of making a reader go “Oh my, this looks absolutely fabulous.  If I don’t read this, well darlings, I think my head will explode.”   Effectively turning them into a very camp follower.  Other reactions may include “WTF? Is this guy crazy or what?”, “No shit, this can’t be true!” or the more sophisticated reader might think “This individual has really put in a lot of effort in establishing a title that would capture my attention.  Let me read it.”

My second tip relates to the opening paragraph, a very important component of a perfect post.  This first paragraph should be a continuation of what you’ve achieved in the title.  Now that the reader bothered to click the link, the writer cannot disappoint.  The bait is out there and now you need to hook them with carefully crafted sentences that will not only engage the reader but prevent head injuries when they hit their head on the keyboard because of boredom. Other might just scroll through the post to see if there is a funny gif.  And don’t bother, I didn’t include one.

If you’re still reading this, I’ve had success with my second tip. And will continue sharing my wisdom in the original post that you can all read here.

I’m cruel, I know, but the trip is worth it.  I promise.

How to entertain yourself on an airplane.

I’ve have spend a few hours on an airplane. If “few” could be defined as more than a 1000. When the US Banks did their big-bail out in 2008, it dumped the world into a recession, BUT it also bumped my Business class privileges to Cattle class levels. We all know that sitting in a chair for eight hours becomes a bit tedious as there are only SO much one can do on a plane. And then you might even end up in an old model WITHOUT a screen on the seat in front of you!!

For those who want to live on the wild side I’ve taken the liberty of providing a list of things that will ensure your flight is extremely exciting. I have even ranked them for entertainment value and quick reference.

1. Wear a fat suit. It’s not that I have anything against fat people, but your average economy class seat has very specific, confined dimensions. Once your girth exceeds those dimensions, the result is an overspill of your skin/fat into the next seat. This excess body will rub and touch your fellow passenger for the duration of the flight. And if you’re really lucky you would have hit the jackpot with a middle seat. I rate this one a 7.

2. Get up mid-flight and inform the air hostess that the passenger on your left has a gun and is sweating anxiously. Tell her he has been mumbling some Arab prayer. Then stand back and watch a full-blown action movie unfold within seconds. The obvious risk would be that you might not get to your destination, miss your connecting flight and spend the next few nights in some jail. You will also have the wrath of 250 other passengers on your conscience. But then again, you only live once. Bonus points if you’re sitting next to an actual Arab looking dude. I rate this one an 9 for it takes some serious balls to try this. And with balls I mean nuts. And with nuts I mean, ah man you get the picture.

3. Consume copious amounts of garlic prior to boarding your flight. For more efficient results, do this the night before boarding, but then again, don’t expect any goodbyes from the wife on your way out the door. Remember when I say copious amounts I mean a shit load, enough to make your eyes burn. Add to that smelly feet, and you have a real winner. This is a much less adventurous option so I rate this one a 4. It’s 4 da wimps…

4. Talk non-stop and loud throughout the flight. About anything, about nothing. Just let your tongue do the work. (And for those grinning now, perve…) The trick is to continue talking even if the person you’re talking to puts on headphones and would obviously prefer being dead than listening to another word sprouting from your mind. Then you know you’ve succeeded. It’s mind-blowing to see normal people descend from friendliness, move past politeness, fly past irritation and rudeness and end up in full blown state of not even acknowledging your presence. Some people do it a lot faster than others, especially hearing about your cousin’s acne or your irregular bowl movements. Bonus points if you can dress-up and act like an old lady. Or a nun. I rate this one a 6.

5. Spill everything you drink on the same person throughout the flight. Do it with exaggerated motion whilst talking, or when you’re passing drinks, man anything. Find ingenious way to spill. Water, coffee, red wine! Please note that even the most feeble, soft spoken person will get pissed off with this, so you’re guaranteed to have a fist/palm in your face at some point. The fun is to see how quickly you would be able to feel knuckle skin on your teeth. I rate this on an 9, if only for the courage required for perfect execution.

6. On the flipside, drink excessive amounts of liquids to the point that your bladder feels like Mount Rushmore. Or like you’re about to give birth to quintuplets. Then get up. It would be really bad luck if all the lavatories are occupied when you need to go, but  it’s all part of the challenge, is it not? Once your back in your seat and feel ten gallons lighter, just start the process again. Ignore the frowning, condescending looks you will receive.  It’s all about the luck of the draw, but another bonus point if you got the window seat. This is a definite 7.

7. Fight for the arm rest like it’s the last thing you’ll ever be able to do. The confrontation will start as soon as you board the plane and shove your luggage in the compartment. You’ll have to buckle quickly and take your position. If you arrive at your designated row first, it’s easy, but the real challenge come when someone is already seated. Then you will need skill, to ensure success with a subtle, quick, sneaky move. It’s about displaying dominance early on. And not the black leather, whip-carrying type, just big man-little man type. Once you taste success, see whether you can maintain that position for the duration of the flight. Also another 7.

8. When the cabin lights goes off and the shades are pulled down for the “sleep sessions”, take your blanket pull it up to your chin, snuggle in the little pillow and close your eyes. After a few seconds flip your head to the side and make sure its falls on the shoulder of your fellow man. Make cuddling noises, then wait another second or two before you commence snoring. Full on sleep hypopnea-indusive snoring. Like Barbara Streisand with a nasal infection. Another 6.

9. Whilst watching your movie, lean over and take a few glimpses of the one the person is watching next to you. If you’ve seen the movie, motion for them to remove the headphones and then give a full blown movie review, dropping hints about the ending or any other plot twists that might ruin the said movie for them. If you haven’t seen it, then just lie, blatantly. You might have to duck after that conversation. Or change seats. Or receive some immediate medical attention. And you can always try to calm them down by ordering some wine, only to spill it once again for good measure. Another 8 because no guts, no glory.

10. Masturbate. While in your seat. Without a blanket. And see how quickly you get arrested. Or thrown off the plane. Or maybe you’ll receive some assistance. Who knows? When I was finishing off during my last inbound flight… Yes, I’m kidding. What do you take me for? An average male? This is my only 10 on the list. And rightly so, for it’s all about execution, and everyone needs a climax at the end of great post, don’t you agree?

So here is me wishing you all a very entertaining flight, the next time you travel by air.

For more insanity hop over to Ah Dad… where I try and entertain a lost world AND hope my kids read my ramblings one day.

How to take the perfect selfie

If you don’t know what a selfie is then there is no hope left for you in this world. So I’ll be jumping right in.

A good selfie requires that:

1. You need to be self-aware. Or have a nice face. Or at least, think you have a nice face. Or most probably just be delusional, obnoxious, vain and a self righteous prick/bitch. (depending on your gender).

2. You need to own a smart phone, preferably one that can flip the screen around so that you can see how to pull the most idiotic expression you can come up with, before capturing it for everyone to laugh at. And it needs to be a decent smart phone for nothing says: “I’m trying too hard” like a low resolution picture. And remember if all else fails you can even use a mirror, but please be aware of what might be lurking in the background, for as with most mirrors, it will be captured in the reflection. Oh and before I forget, remember to use a flash, for that might hide your face and protect you from serious ridicule.

3. You need to be on a social network. Sorry, let me rephrase that, you need to be on every social network known to man, alien and other semi-intelligent life-forms. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus and what ever else may be out there at the moment. It’s all those places where the people who lost the ability to connect in ridiculous ways, like talking for example, hang out. You see you need to cast your selfie over the vast open spaces of the Internet, and in so doing you’re spreading happiness and joy, for everyone needs something to make them forget their troubles and break out in hysterics. Besides you’re also providing a service to parents like me, who now have an indexed album of examples, of people whom my kids are not allowed to bring home. Ever.

4. You need to be able to pout. Like when your eating a lemon after being stung by a bee on your lower lip. No scrap that, on both lips. Think Extreme pouting. Or just visit any mediocre celebrity’s Instagram page for a sample. You might as well wear a shirt that says “I’m cheap” when you don’t commit and give a mediocre, half-assed pout. Technically, pouting your lips is body language for I’m a whore, and I’ll do anything for I’m desperate and alone, but that’s just my interpretation.

5. If you don’t have that much of a face, and you know it, well first off, kudos’ to you! But please don’t let that stop you, just show some cleavage. Your rack will distract all attention from the ugly features of your face, so no one will even notice. Especially if you show some real inventive ways of showing off the twins i.e covered in hair or nothing. For guys, same rule apply. Show some pectoral muscles, and if you don’t have any…Well then…I don’t know.

6. Have long arms, the longer they are the better. The problem with a lot of selfies is that it’s either out of focus or it’s cropped showing one eye and some facial hair. And then there is the numerous photos of men… Take a moment and consider how much of your face will be in the shot. If you can’t fit the whole thing, then revert to the mirror technique. People don’t want to guess which idiot they are seeing, they want the full reveal.

7. And if you can’t do any of the above, well just take a picture of yourself doing something really amazing, like hanging on a door, showing off your ass, touching your lips or eating a hot dog. Because we can all do with a little inspiration.

And with that I’m done; but seriously:

If you want to post a photo of yourself, get someone to take the frigging photo for you, at a decent angle, with some consideration for composure and lighting. Then crop and edit. It’s that simple.

It remains one of the most ridiculous things on the Internet today, in my humble opinion. Well that and the fan page for Kanye West.

For more insanity hop over to Ah Dad… where I try an entertain a lost world and hope my kids read my ramblings on day.