Today’s post is brought to you by Sean Smithson
‘Modern day dating tips for the single man’
They say: “Don’t worry. You’ll find someone soon, I know it.” “You should meet my friend. She’ll be perfect for you.” “Hang in there. It just takes time…”
I say: Fuck off. Maybe I’m actually okay being single.
Contrary to what many people think, being single in your 30s isn’t actually the end of the world. Sure Friends re-runs are better with company. But at least you have complete control of the remote.
Then there’s the fact that unlike your taken friends, you get to drink as much as you like and behave like a complete wanker at weddings and need explain your actions to no one. Except if you ruin the wedding of course – I’ve come close.
And finally, there’s sex. Whilst it does seem counter-intuitive that being single would actually result in you getting more action than your coupled-up chums. Ask any of your friends in long term relationships and I’m sure you’ll find that they’re ‘doing it’ less than you.
Hell, even if they do get the green light – usually on weekends or special occasions – it’s pretty shit.
Starting to think that I may be onto something (and that I’m not just a bitter, soon-to-be-proud-owner-of-a-parrot-to-keep-me-company, loser)? Well follow these steps and you too can continue to enjoy the single life.
Oh and the best thing about this advice? When you finally decide that you do want to be with someone long term, just do the complete opposite!
1 – Continue doing what you’re doing as that seems to be working just fine.
However like me, if you find that ladies are just drawn to you or that your friends absolutely insist on trying to set you up, then try the following:
2 – Be a mildly obnoxious asshole on dates. You need to get the balance just right so that she’ll sleep with you but won’t want you to call her ever again.
Talking about your junk and how great you are in bed = good
Offering to pay for dinner = bad
I also find that talking about your previous conquests, visits to strip clubs or general lack of direction in life tend to nip things in the bud fairly quickly. Though perhaps wait until after you’ve seen her naked before mentioning any of these.
If you’re still struggling for ideas, check out the ‘How To’ guide to being an asshole.
3 – Watch copious amounts of porn / jerk-off loads. Though rumoured that this can lead to blindness, you guys seem to be reading this just fine… badum tssssh!
But seriously, not only will this help to keep your urges for companionship in check. It also means that you will avoid potential ‘relationship creating’ contact with the opposite sex as this task is usually best performed alone in the confines of your bedroom.
If you’ve somehow managed to procure an elusive ‘friend with benefits’ then I doff my cap to you sir. Though if you ever get the feeling that you’re headed towards commitmentville, tell her how much you masturbate and this is likely to result in a swift U-turn.
4 – Move back in with your parents. As nothing says ‘he’s a keeper’ like a guy who still lives at home with his mum and dad at the age of 30+.
And if you didn’t scare her off with (3) then mention that you do most of your ‘work’ in your old bedroom!
5 – Be unemployed. Or if you currently have a job, get fired. The effects of this should be fairly self-explanatory.
If you really must work, then try to find a job that is fulfilling but with little chance of progression/recognition and even less chance of a steady income.
6 – Don’t have a car. As if you can’t even pick your date up then what are the chances of collecting your future kids from football practice?
7 – If you are somehow coerced into joining an online dating site, really put some thought into your profile. Ideally, you want something that makes a woman think ‘I’d hit that but he’s definitely not marriage material.’
This guy knows what I’m talking about.
8 – Finally, if all of the above options have failed and you still find that women would like to have a committed relationship with you, set up a blog about what a massive douche you are and send them the link.
LIVE THE DREAM!
I’m off to have a few beers with the Mathematician…
So funny as always!
Wow the mathematician sounds like a keeper
He taught me everything l know!
Yeah, just make sure #6 doesn’t backfire. She might be attracted to environmentally aware, non-motorised tree huggers.
Noted. Thanks for the heads up.
Can I join you on your date with Mathematician? He sounds like my type.
Absolutely Daile. And I’ll put in a good word for you too.
I’m pretty sure I dated you. You were the guy who brought his girlfriend along to dinner, right?
Ahh Elyse… Long time no speak.
Yes, sorry about that. No hard feelings, right? Thanks again for picking up the tab for all three of us!
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The mathematician seems to have determined the perfect formula for being single: a nerd + a douche + a wifebeater shirt = 1
It does feel a bit like limbo though. Like Al Paciono said, first you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the girls. He he, great line. Then it is good to be single