How To Piss Me Off With Email

The following was submitted by Pieter of Ah Dad. . . 

1. Send me an email from the office next door that does not have any document, spreadsheet, meeting schedule or other piece of useful information attach to it.  Only use a few cryptic words to make it sound important.

I just think that if you have something to say to me, it might be more appropriate to get of your fat ass and walk the four metres to my office.  It will be beneficial to your health.  Walking would allow those little red bloods cells to speed up and then you might even burn a calorie or two, which I’m sure the hinges of your fridge will appreciate.

2. Send me a chain letter.  You know those mails that you forward to eleven friends to prevent yourself from walking home and getting maimed by a falling ostrich.

First of all, when you’re in the habit of forwarding chain letters, I’m surprised you still have friends.  It’s that annoying.  Life has taught me: There is no such thing as a free lunch.  Let’s put it in perspective, it actually means: There. Is. No. Such. Thing. As. A. Free. Lunch.  If you think sending a picture of a crying girl to 11 people will open the heavens and make buckets of cash fall from the sky, well you’re just fucking stupid.  And the world doesn’t need to know that.

3. Send me a PowerPoint presentation with pictures of cats.

I hate cats.  They’re cunning and deceitful creatures.  As kittens they’re all cute and playful. Then they grow up to be bossy, toplofty, pompous and shit–Just like a teenager.  As the owner you’re only good enough to feed them, if they allow it.  Do this and I will go all chain letter and spam on your mailbox.

4. Send me a reminding email, forty seconds after the first one. 

I have a life and my only purpose on earth is NOT to sit and wait for your message.  I am sorry that I don’t climax and drop everything when your name pops up in my inbox.  I am also sorry that your concept of a reasonable reply time is out of tune with mine.  And if you have the balls to enlarge the font of the mail and write the word “reminder” on the top, then well. . . screw you.  Delete sequence initiated.

5. Send me a condescending mail with a smiley face.

We are not in kindergarten anymore.  Sarcasm is a science, a skill that I have worked on for many years to execute perfectly.  How dare you consider that adding a smiley face is enough to hide your initial intention?  Reading it gives me an uncontrollable urge to rearrange your face with a frying pan to resemble your chosen emoticon.

There it is.  Five easy ways to get my temper thermometer into crimson red by the click of a button.  Truth be told I am actually a real fun-loving, nice guy, but again that’s what they said about Dr Jeckyl.

 

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37 thoughts on “How To Piss Me Off With Email

  1. Pingback: Newsflash #16 – Guess who has a guest post! | Ah dad...

  2. 6.) When someone asks a question to a distribution list that includes the entire company, and one person hits “Reply All”, and every other jack hat that thinks their words really matter hit “Reply All” to tell everyone to NOT hit “Reply All”, until you’ve hit your inbox limit and insanity implosion limit.

    Great List

      • More often than it should for a company that employs some pretty smart people. Maybe the smart ones are only the ones I associate with, because I never recognize any of the names that try to shut those shit storms down. Then again, maybe I’m one of those Jack Hats and don’t realize it either. Possibly a matter of perception.

  3. Yes. Read reply requested pisses me off, too. If it’s so f*cking important that you want to know the second I’ve read your email – pick up the PHONE and call me.

  4. I love the chain email accompanied by the disclaimer, “I don’t know if this works, but it can’t hurt!” The hell it can’t. A good punch to the throat ought to hurt enough to make that the last email chain letter you usher to MY inbox.

  5. Agreed! Sarcasm should never be apologized for, explained, beribboned or made to wear lipstick. Sarcasm should be allowed to come in and hang out among us without fear of retaliation.

  6. This post was absolutely hilarious. Chain emails are annoying and I hate when people send me an email when they’re right across the aisle. I also hate getting those reminders. IT’s even worse when the reminder comes AFTER the appointment/meeting. I’m so glad to see someone else is as annoyed with all of the nonsense as I am. I may send this post to several of my friends as it could greatly help our relationship if they knew these rules.

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