The following post was written by Jenna Nobs.
1. Hold your iPhone at arm’s length from your face as you struggle to orient your direction on Google Maps. You might also consider carrying a sign that says, “Free mobile device, I won’t put up a struggle.”
2. Look right at the Empire State building and tell your friend that it’s not the Empire State Building. I mean it can’t be, because the other buildings around it look taller, right? Perspective, what’s that?
3. Buy a hotdog from a street vendor. Oh, this strange unwashed man is going to nestle this oddly pale dog into a bun with his bare hands? What a personal touch, isn’t New York City charming!
4. Run up to people in Elmo suits like it’s fucking Disney World. Walk away with a souvenir photo and a complimentary squeeze on the ass.
5. Marvel at people who have coated themselves in metallic paint to look like statues, then scream like a little girl when they jump at you. Natives, by contrast, never lose their cool. Twerking in the middle of the sidewalk, no problem. Body pulled out of the Hudson, another day on Law & Order. Remember tourists, always lose your cool.
6. Apologize for bumping into people, and I mean every single one. We live in a civilized society.
7. Point in a completely random direction when someone asks you where a major landmark is. It’s just so flattering, how can you not mask your ignorance in that situation?
8. Comment that you’re pretty sure this is the street corner where Ice-T called someone his bitch on SVU. It’s perfect because you can’t be wrong.
9. Hail a taxi like you’re sticking your hand into an open flame. New Yorkers do tend to bite.
10. Walk down the block in a random direction to determine whether you’re going uptown or downtown, then turn around because obviously you’re wrong. Again. Seriously do natives have an internal compass?
11. Make eye contact with pushy street vendors and listen to their ten-minute sales pitch/accept a lot of fliers you don’t want while native passersby snicker at your vulnerability.
12. Whip out your disposable camera every time you see a building that looks historical or a guy in a Spiderman suit. Feel free to block foot traffic as you do so.
13. Be in Times Square.
14. Don’t give up your seat on the subway, no matter how old, pregnant, or weak standing passengers may be. Jesus Christ you guys, I’m kidding– this is New York City, not Lord of the Flies. Have a fucking soul.
Haha this was totally me, I like to think now I’ve been there a lot more I tend to blend in just a little better!
haha it’s definitely a process. I’ve learned that avoiding eye contact with basically everyone is the way to go
And visit a sky-bar and drink an apple martini like the Wall street pimp you imagine yourself to be. It’s New York dammit.
how could I have missed such an obvious one?!
That is the one thing I really needed to do when I visited the Big apple a few years ago. That and made a turn @ a few comedy clubs.
What about running in Central Park, irrespective of the clothes you have on? Because everyone does it…
Central Park is easily my favorite place in NYC, clothed or no
Never been, but it sounds just awful.
haha I promise there are a lot of great things about NYC too- don’t think I could live there forever though
I did all these things when I visited NYC on a class trip when I was 14.
Yeah I did most of these like last week…while simultaneously judging other people for it…
This may be the most accurate thing I’ve ever read. I live in New York City now and this is all correct haha.
haha I’m glad to have captured the truth of your experience
Reblogged this on She Knows and commented:
A perfect “How To”… I am so ready for New York now!
thanks so much for the reblog! if this list can help even one tourist look a little less like a tool, then I know I’ve done some good here
Thanks for the feedback guys. I regret to say that although I have lived in New England and visited NYC regularly my whole life, I am still kind of a city noob. At least I recognize it though, right? Feel free to visit me at nobslyfe.wordpress.com for some more random insights🙂 I’m having a great time looking through all of your blogs!
Oh! Elmo!
yeah that one was maybe a little too real
I just wrote a rather unflattering post about NYPD, so I suppose I better hold off on visits to New York for a couple of years. But your advice is definitely good, because I saw hundreds of people following it.
Just read your list- really important stuff that everyone should read. Thanks for putting that together.
OMG so true , Thanks for the great laugh and memories from the past
Thanks for your kind reply!
Don’t forget to make fun of the other tourists for being so tourist-y.
Hypocrisy is essential to the tourist experience
Also, when you’re with several people, be sure to walk abreast so that you block the entire width of the sidewalk. Walk really slowly, too. Or, amble aimlessly so that it’s impossible for people behind you to tell exactly where and how to get around you.
By the way, Jenna Nobs might be the most awesome name I’ve ever heard.
Too true, never forget that the rest of the city is obligated to accommodate your idiocy.
Why thank you haha- not sure if it can beat Weebles though
This post has reminded me again how much I dislike big cities. I’ve never been to New York, but I used to travel to London frequently. About three days is my limit and then I find that I just want everyone to get out of my face.
I will visit one day, but I know I will have to brace myself and stop being my usual day-dreaming, slow walking, open, friendly self.
Yeah, better wait until life experiences have made you jaded and cold
(kidding, NYC Tourism Bureau don’t hate me plz)
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I’m going. I’m going. I will print this list and use it.🙂
May it serve you well🙂
I think that the Elmo suit is mandatory
Haha, that awkward moment when you live in New York and should feel insulted yet you know half of these things are true.
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