How to Not Get Caught in the Doritos Taco Hype

I nearly shit my pants when I heard Taco Bell will be adding a new Dorito taco flavor on Aug. 22. I realize that this is a common reaction associated with Taco Bell.

And then I realized, I needed to tamper down my excitement and lower my expectations. Yes it is a meat byproduct lovingly enveloped in a processed, MSG-ladened corn taco. Yes, America is still a leader in innovation and synergy-ation. Yes, I would be consuming my annual allotment of sodium in one bite.

But, gentle reader, there is more to life like:

  • butterflies
  • The Act of Killing, a documentary about remoreless killers in Indonesia
  • Bridezillas marathons on WeTV

It’s hard not to be excited when you learn that the new flavor is “Volcanic Assblaster.” I’ve just been informed that I am wrong. The new flavor is “Fiery” although I believe my guess rings true in a digestive sense.

It is very easy to be swept away in the Doritos Taco hype–to be the first to display your orange-hued finger like an Iraqi voting in his first election. This guide will help you above all remain calm and digestively sound.

1. You know when Taco Bell sounds good? At 2 a.m. after a night of mind-altering substances. The mind-altering substances have altered your mind to a point where that burrito tastes like a tenderloin birthed by a lobster.  On Aug. 22, refrain from all mind-altering substances.

2. Although it may be tempting, do not become friends with Doritos on Facebook or follow it on Twitter. Doritos is kind of a drama queen and you do not want any taco drama.

Scientific proof:

tacosadness

and

tacodrama

and

taconickel

3. Pick Aug. 22 as the day you actually take advantage of that gym membership you’ve been paying for and not using for two years. You can spend an hour on the elliptical or take Hula Hoop swing dance spin class. When you focus on your health, you will less likely be inclined to suck on the orange grease gushing from your Dorito taco.

4. Move to a country that does not have a Taco Bell. That would be….um…..Indonesia? Watch out for those remoreless killers.

5. Watch or read some food-related book that really examines the American food system. Be aware that this will result in you never eating again.

6. Break dance contest.

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Want to read more from Speaker7? You don’t?!? What the fuck is wrong with you?

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21 thoughts on “How to Not Get Caught in the Doritos Taco Hype

  1. Interesting that you used “shit my pants” and Taco Bell in the first sentence.

    Just kidding. I kind of like aco Hell. I think I even like their status updates. It’s like my sister-in-law, only less annoying.

  2. I suggest a pilates class after a Dorito taco. You pump your arms, legs in the air, fully engaging your core stomach muscles. It is a recipe for expelling gas. I used to teach classes and told my participants up front that gas will happen and we will ignore it. Mostly. There is some gas that nobody can ignore…

    I live 30 miles from the nearest Taco Bell. It would not be worth the drive to eat one of these new wonders. Some things are. Never at the “bell”.

  3. I don’t know where you live. Doritos locos tacos have been in the menu near me for over a year… and they are awesome! Both in Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch. I don’t know what someone didn’t think of this in the 80’s. (Something just occurred to me… I am not stuck in a time warp, am I? It isn’t early 2012 again, is it? Oh gawd… I hope not.)

  4. I think there’s a happy medium here, and it’s called wearing depends. Just put those suckers on and go for it.
    But seriously, are those that thing where they appear in the commercial emerging from a cloud of cheese dust? I have never seen marketing that had such the opposite of the intended effect. They are single handedly doing their own job at improving public health.

  5. In my time imitating a hyped up Squirrel on Facebook, I’ve noticed there are a lot of food products with status updates. It confuses me. Is my food talking now? Spam is a really big culprit in this. I have learned more about Spam than I ever, ever wanted to know. When Taco Bell comes out with a Dorito Shell filled with Spam, we are in deep, deep trouble.

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