How To Be an A**hole

The views expressed in this post are solely the views of Bad Advice Lady.  Any advice given is not meant to stand in the place of professional advice.  Please consult your therapist before following any advice herein.  Also, you might want to retain an attorney.

Bad Advice Lady

If there is one thing that is severely lacking in this world, it is assholes.  The planet on which we live is teeming with selfless, generous do-gooders and it is, frankly, quite nauseating.  In the spirit of fighting for the underdog, Bad Advice Lady, in conjunction with the Royal Society of Douchebags brings to you…

How to Be an Asshole: 101 Ways to Play Up Your Douchebaggery

1) When you are talking to people, tilt your chin up a bit so that you are looking down your nose at them.

2) Interject your opinion into every conversation, beginning with the statement: “Oh, really?”

3) Cock your eyebrow– just one– at people when they talk to you.

4) Offer unsolicited advice.

5) Give people the cold shoulder when they don’t follow your unsolicited advice.

6) Start rumors about people.

7) Feed others’ rumors about people.

8) When confronted by the victim of your rumors, laugh at them and say: “I have better things to do than talk about you…”

9) Then, go tell all your friends how you stood up to the victim.

10) When you get caught in a lie… deny, deny, deny!

11) Shift the blame.

12) When people get emotional, snicker.

13) Roll your eyes when people show their sensitive side.

14) Send phone calls to voice mail, then don’t check the message.

15) Hang up on people when they say things you don’t want to hear.

16) Don’t call your friends/family on their birthday.

17) Use someone else to “break the news.”

18) Answer your cell phone at church.

19) Answer your cell phone at the movies.

20) Answer your cell phone at dinner.

21) First thing in the morning, check your cell phone.

22) Last thing at night, check your cell phone.

23) Text during sex.

24) Tweet more than three times a day.

25) Update your Facebook status more than three times a day.

26) Blow up Facebook newsfeeds with updates, then refuse to answer the phone when your “friends” call you.

27) Start fights on Facebook.

28) Get into the fray on others’ Facebook face-offs.

29) Pick on the weak guy.

30) Kick someone when they are down.

31) Jump on the bandwagon.

32) Rock the boat.  Everywhere and with everything.

33) Call people names.

34) Say “I told you so” when you are right.

35) Reply to compliments with “I know, right?!”

36) Monopolize every conversation.

37) Threaten to sue everyone.

38) Actually sue everyone.

39) Bend the rules to suit your whims.

40) Act like you are God’s gift to the world.

41) When you loan someone money, charge them interest– especially if they are family members.

42) Don’t ever apologize.

43) Don’t compliment anyone, ever.

44) Pat yourself on the back repeatedly.

45) When your dog sh*ts in public, don’t pick it up.

46) When your dog is barking at 11:45 PM, don’t get him quiet.

47) Call the cops on your neighbors’ loud parties, even though you were invited but chose not to show up.

48) Turn off your lights before 6:00 PM on Halloween night.

49) Tell children that Santa doesn’t exist.

50) Boo at people when they sing karaoke.

51) Get pissing drunk and then start demeaning people.

52) Send nasty texts.

53) Don’t stop until someone is crying.

54) Complain about everything you eat at restaurants.

55) Complain about everything you eat at home.

56) Respond to break-ups with “Oh, it’s definitely you.”

57) Leave your trash cans on the curb for several days after trash day.

58) Park your car in front of your neighbor’s house because they have shade and you don’t.

59) Let your grass grow too long– or die– and don’t weed your front yard.

60) Bring up the past, then bring it up again.  Keep bringing it up until the memory becomes too fuzzy to validate.

61) Use religion as a weapon.

62) Use children as a weapon.

63) Refer to your friends as “fans, subjects, and followers.”

64) Don’t pay your debts.

65) Don’t pay for dinner.

66) Refuse responsibility at all times.

67) Take semi-clad photos of yourself, then post ’em!

68) Ask for the input of others, then when they share, tell them their ideas are lame.

69) Refer to yourself in the third person.

70) Tell people that you’ll “pencil them in.”

71) Tell off-color jokes in mixed company.

72) Host a cheese and wine tasting party.

73) When you see kids misbehaving in public, loudly berate the parents, but not to their faces.

74) Make plans and then cancel at the last minute.

75) Make plans and don’t show up.

76) Change your mind.  All the time.

77) Pass off every time you let someone down with the phrase “I had good intentions.”

78) Make sexist comments.

79) Rest assured that you are always right; therefore, everyone else is wrong.

80) Convert others to your beliefs about everything.

81) Talk about yourself at every opportunity.

82) Adopt an irritating laugh.

83) When you are in a bad mood, do your best to ensure that everyone else’s day is ruined, too.

84) Make yourself a hero in every story.

85) Keep a little black book.

86) Point out the faults of others, especially if they are obvious.

87) Degrade others’ hard work, especially in the work place.

88) Do less than is expected of you.

89) Make a scene when you don’t get your way.

90) Join the WBC.

91) Whisper about people right in front of them.

92) Stare.

93) Point.

94) Don’t donate, don’t volunteer, don’t help out.

95) Incriminate others.

96) Make messes, but leave them for others to clean up.

97) Eat the last doughnut, drink the last coffee, use the last creamer.

98) Live by the phrase “Better you than me.”

99) Dictate the actions of anyone and everyone you can.

100) Answer the question “why” with the answer “because I said so.”

101) When someone says they trust you, immediately do your best to destroy that trust.

Most of us are guilty of doing several things on this list at least once in our lives, but that is not justifiable behavior for deeming yourself an Asshole.  In order to truly become an Asshole, it is important to make a majority of these behaviors and actions part of your personality.  Still feeling inadequate of the title?  Go kick a puppy or trip an old lady.  That will get you on the right track to being a public menace.

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74 thoughts on “How To Be an A**hole

      • Make sure to aim your cell phone squarely between their eyes as they search with sweaty palms, just in case they fail to come up with the answer in fifteen seconds flat.
        It’s a tried and tested method called the Campbell Manoeuvre – an indispensable item in the Asshole’s Minion Management Toolkit.

      • Well, because I am, indeed, an Asshole™, I don’t care what you say. (I am looking down my nose at the computer and the keyboard, which is giving me a bit of a headache.)

      • I do know how you feel… I was rolling my eyes so much at all those cretins surrounding me, it’s made me go permanently cross-eyed. So now I look down my nose (with both eyes!) at everybody. That’s made my life just so much easier. Worth a how-to piece all by itself, methinks!

    • I had heard that was the case, but you just confirmed it. Of course, I also heard it was a way to turn an outright insult into “constructive criticism” and gossip into “genuine concern.”

  1. I love this list. I agree with all of it. Including 101) Be Le Clown! …kidding Le Clown…geez…Okay so I hope this is not asshole- ish….but I must share my douchebag list with you. These are definitely douche moves and I hope you enjoy it. It’s not douchie to share my blog is it??… on a side note – they should have this list at every Walmart as you walk in the door. You get handed this asshole list and it is mandatory reading. http://hdfloyd73.wordpress.com/2013/06/14/to-douche-or-not-to-douche-that-is-the-question/

    • If assholes weren’t allowed in Walmart, Walmart would cease to exist, as it is a virtual feeding frenzy of assholes. You could put it on the door, but I am pretty damned sure that most patrons of Walmart can read/don’t give a f***.
      It isn’t assholeish to plug your own blog one someone else’s post. Where would the Official How-To Blog be if that were the case? And even if it is assholeish, accept it. It’s cool. We don’t judge.

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  3. I was going to send this to my brother-in-law but he’s already well versed in all of the above. And then I thought I’d send it to his wife…but he learned it all from her.

  4. Um… there wasn’t a single cat reference in the list? I was sure that would pop up: post pictures of your cats, talk to your cats like they are people, look at nothing but cat memes all day long while petting your cat and sitting on your cat shaped couch in a room decorated in the same colors as your cat’s fur…
    Honestly. I’m a little disappointed.

    • Gloves are off. There is an entire post dedicated to cats and their in same owners… but I was trying to be sensitive. Now that you’ve drawn first blood, I will tell you how I really feel! Grrrrr!

      • Oh! I can’t wait!! 😀 Interesting that you were trying to be sensitive in a post all about how to be an a-hole… Kind of sending mixed signals there. Maybe if you had a cat to pet that would have straightened all that out?

      • Pet this, Matticus! I should have said 103) Be a cat. 104) Own a cat. 105) Pretend you are any part of a royal anything. Oh, that reminds me… we are moving back to England (get the ‘back to’ part. Matticus? Stick it in your file.) so that Princess Red Chief can marry the Prince of Cambridge in 20 years.

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  6. This is awesome! Yet sadly… so incredibly true. Can you give me 101 ways to avoid assholes and douchebags? I seem be a magnet. It is getting annoying. They make me tired. 🙂
    Nicole
    (NicoleCandy.com)

    • Assholes need love too… ironically, they often provide a sufficient amount for themselves to last anyone a lifetime. You can’t avoid them… just like taxes and death. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

  7. Wow, some great stuff here. I’m really trying to be a subtle asshole though- you know, less puppy kicking and more standing in the middle of the escalator, holding the door for people at inappropriate distances so they have to run to be polite, shit like that. I think it’s classier.

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