How To Not Get Hired

I love the work I do, I love my boss, and I love that I am not the boss.

nowhereAll that love puts me in the tiniest minority of people in the history of the world. As far as I know, it’s just me and some guy in Nowhere, Oklahoma, who lives for grilled cheese sandwiches and works at a bread factory that his best friend owns.

The only part of my job I don’t like involves hiring co-workers.  You see, over the years, I’ve noticed a tendency for people to interview for jobs they don’t want.

Of course, they’re never so obvious as to just say “I don’t want this job.” Nor do they take the path most traveled and simply not apply.  No, these people devise clever stratagems that must take nights of planning.

After years of researching the best of the best in this particular field, I’ve created a comprehensive guide to help those with the same mission.  For those of you actively applying for jobs you don’t want, I hope these 8 Reminders lead to the pathway to all your life’s desires.

8 Easy Ways to Not Get a Job

You know what they say about the mice, men, and best-laid plans.  You planned to not get this job while applying, but this office or store is obviously desperate for help. They reviewed your half-completed application and typo-ridden résumé, and still decided invited you in for an interview.

Here’s how to take this crazy bull by the horns and keep from getting hired.

1. Show Up Late

This is important. Nothing suggests a total disregard for the people waiting for you like showing up 10 minutes late. Don’t let it go with a simple apology, either– no, explain it with a story that takes another 10 minutes to tell. The more mundane your story, the better– consider the one about how you lost your keys and looked everywhere. Be specific. Did you check the fridge?  Was it by the lettuce or cheese?  Where did you buy the lettuce?

2. Hesitate Awkwardly Over Security and Safety Questions

When the interviewer jovially asks, “Do you get along well with others? No fist-fights with co-workers, etc, haha!”, do not make eye contact. Wait a good 3 minutes and then answer, “Yes.”

Do not explain.

3. Talk About Poop

poopA lot.

In fact, if you can find some way to integrate poop into every question you answer, then consider yourself a success.

You can explain it however you choose. Tell that story again about how you’re a parent returning to the workforce and that poop has become the cornerstone of your existence. The reason is really just for you, since any poop talk will move you to the bottom of the stack.

You might as well be creative!

4.  Keep your Phone On and Take All Calls

Answer the phone on the first ring without explaining and put your finger over your mouth to keep that noisy interviewer from interrupting. After the call is over, go into extreme detail about the person who called and what their call means to you. If you’ve ever had sex with that person, include that information.

5. Dress Down

Select your interview outfit from any combination of the following clothing items: sweat pants (preferably neon-colored), mumus, overalls with biblical verses embroided, blue jeans with holes, and Che Guevara t-shirts. Do not wear shoes! This is an interview, not the opera!

6. Provide False or Bad References

Do you remember that guy you beat up in the 5th grade? Give his number. You know the neighbors you keep up all night with your rabble-rousing and drug-dealing? Give their number, too.

Also, always remember to include the President of the United States and other important people for whom you did not work.

7. Push

If you have a feeling the interviewer is enjoying your company too much, emphasize your sentences by pushing them. Use both hands.

8.  Lie

Tell them that story about how someone tried to rob the mall store where you worked. Be sure to explain how you jumped over the counter, ran down two flights of stairs, and finally beat up that crook at the bottom of an escalator to your favorite Bon Jovi song. Punctuate the story with sound effects, punching demonstrations, and by singing Eye of the Tiger at full volume. Bon Jovi didn’t sing Eye of the Tiger, but that’s alright.  Just insist he did.

______________________________________________

That’s the best of the best, friends.

I hope it saves you from the pesky jobs that you apply for, interview for, and never wanted in the first place!

Do you have any tips to add to the list? Please share!

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88 thoughts on “How To Not Get Hired

  1. Personally, I’ve always found that turning up in ‘flip-flop’ thonged sandals ensures a favourable result. Putting your feet up on the desk between you and the internview panel always goes down well, too.

    • Haha! I can’t even imagine putting my feet on someone else’s desk, but I could see how that would definitely sway them to vote on the side of not-hiring you. Good tip! 😀

  2. Great piece. However, I am not sure that these tips will necessarily help a young buck such as myself to not get hired.

    I went to the interview of my current job coming down from a concoction of mushrooms, MDMA, and some unusually delicious weed from the night previous. With the interviewer sitting across the table from the three of us, I tried to snooze off during the five-second increments where he was not looking at me. And because I woke up late and did not have time to enjoy my morning poop, I also farted a few times. They were pretty wet.
    Leaving the interview confident that I had just bombed it, I came home and took my massive beer shit while writing on my blog about me hanging out with my friend Harris the night before, and made sure I included the part about me having my hands folded near my crotch area where the interviewer could not see and feeling the skin on my arm, wondering to myself how nice it would be to have silky-smooth skin like an eel.
    Four days later the editor calls me back and tells me that he felt like we “really clicked” during the first interview, and asked me to go back for another. He ended the phone call my saying “By the way, I read the piece on your blog about your friend Harris, he seems like an interesting fella.”
    Needless to say, I got hired on the spot at the second interview, and I now work as the editor’s bitch. I guess he liked the fact that I have beer breath all the time.

    -vH

    • Don’t beat yourself up. It sounds like you are a master of this craft, who came up against another master, simple as that. Next time, skip straight to pushing and kicking.

      P.S. I haven’t quite figured out how yet, but I intend to work “wondering to myself how nice it would be to have silky-smooth skin like an eel” into every conversation I ever have again. 😉

  3. I would also throw in some techniques utilised in the movie ‘Step Brothers’ – wear a tuxedo, fart audibly, repeat the interviewer’s name incorrectly over and over again, and be argumentative. Great list, I wil remember it for the next time I am trying to avoid working.

    • Oh my gosh, haha! A tuxedo is nearly as awful as pant-less. There’s something “not quite right” about it, haha! 🙂 My name is hard to pronounce, so most people get it wrong, or awkwardly avoid it… both are strange, but I suppose I’m more tolerant of that one so it’s possible they could still get hired! Best stick with the classics, like being argumentative and insane. 😀

  4. I like to interview like this for jobs I don’t want right now, because it helps to stay in practice in case I do need another job, right? I use 911 as a reference number as well as the number to a Dairy Queen where I never worked. My third reference number is always my vet’s office and I tell them to ask for Mr. Jingles. He’s the cat who lives in the waiting area and he gives purrrrrfect references! Ha, I did that just now!!

    • Mr. Jingles sounds like a pawsitively brilliant reference! The 911 idea made me laugh– an evil laugh, but a laugh nonetheless! Haha! 🙂 These are genius tips! 😀

  5. Pingback: Pushing, Poop, and Bon Jovi! | rarasaur

  6. A great morning chuckle with a great bunch of advice on how not to get the job – hysterical. Now I’m following this blog too – seems interesting. My blog today talks about working for yourself, turning a hobby into an empire – no interviews involved LOL.

  7. Great advice – I’ll keep all that in mind for future use. For the moment I’m my own boss, and I tend to interview myself on a regular basis for a particular flaw in my professional attitiude: procrastinating on WordPress when I should be working. I’ll have to fire myself and hire someone else if this continues 😉

    • Being your own boss takes a good deal of work (I know, I’ve seen my husband do it for years now)– I like the idea of interviewing yourself, though, haha. 😀

      As for the WordPress procrastination, I think it should be called “Networking and Research”. 🙂

  8. Where do I go to not get hired? Could I bring my mom to the interview? Can I eat my lunch while clipping my toenails? (Seriously, I actually know of someone who brought his mom with him to an interview!)

    Great post, Rara! 🙂

    • The number of people who put their mom as references always surprises me. I hope your mom will say nice things… put someone who’ll convince me that you’re worth hiring! 🙂 But bringing her to an interview… that’s really stepping up your game, especially if you can integrate that with the nail clipping. 😀 Great tips, Lynette! I think we might have really helped out one of those people looking to not get hired! 😀

  9. An interviewer once asked me to give him one reason why he shouldn’t hire me. I told him it would be because I’d take the other job i applied for over this. I was actually thanked for my honesty. Haha. It was my first ever interview though and I was just not comfortable with lying!

  10. That video makes me realize that I’m still partly a giggling school girl…is it bad that it gives me cuteness-overload, Speaker7?
    Great advice. Especially the one about getting along with co-workers!

    • Nothing wrong with being a giggly schoolgirl when it comes to supernatural-crime-fighting studs. It’s perfectly normal, especially when the cuteness is set to Eye of the Tiger! 😀 Glad you enjoyed the advice!

    • Pants schmants. 🙂 You know what they say… if they won’t hire you when pantless, they probably won’t let you come to work pantless.

      I once had a lady interview and, about 30 minutes in, told me she left her infant in the car. “She’s fine, she’s sleeping.” — yikes! I breezed through the next bit in about 2 seconds. I think I would have preferred to be feeding the baby!

      Thanks for reading! 😀

  11. You left out the MOST important part: TALK incessantly. Do not let the interviewer get a word in, edgewise or any other way. Ignore questions that he/she might have snuck into the conversaion because it’s all about YOU. Don’t get distracted or diverted by the position for which you are (only in theory) applying. YOU are important. That’s why you are there, right??? NO??? Silly you. Note: Garry and I are the two other people on earth who never ever wanted to manage anyone, hardly even ourselves. He was immoveable on the subject. I got talked into it once. It was brief. But awful.

    • YES! That is so important. If you want to not get a job, you have to talk about yourself as much as possible in the interview, haha! 😀

      And yay! I’m glad I’m not the one and only. People always think that if you’re not in charge, it’s because you can’t be or weren’t offered the job… which is not true. At least not in my case. It helps my workaholicism to know that when I am home, work can stay behind in someone else’ capable hands. 🙂

  12. Oh Rara…. I loved this post but immediately gained huge respect for you with the Dean video. Rawrsome! At my old job, we actually had a girl come in to be interviewed, where she proceeded to tell us she didn’t want to work with black people and that she didn’t really want the job anyways, then stuck around for 15 minutes flapping her jaw while we started at her in shock until she finally left.

    She didn’t get hired….

    • Blatant racism/sexism! I knew I forgot something. 😀 I can’t believe people stick around after those types of comments just to hang out. There was a woman this year who told me she didn’t want to work with my generation, and then gave me her freelance business card. I don’t think I’d ever thrown away a business card before that…

      Also, yay for Dean! 😀

      • Hah! People will never cease to amaze me 🙂 I almost miss being able to sit in on interviews. We had some real ‘winners’ walk through our doors!

  13. This is going to help me SOOOO much. I am constantly being offered jobs, even when I don’t want them, and now I know it’s because I’m just too ruddy good at interviews! From now on I will walk into an interview room, and when the boss goes to shake my hand I’ll simply say ‘You know what? F*** you.’ That should do it. 🙂
    This post made me snort-laugh unattractively. Thanks for that.

    • Well, if they ruin your plans by hiring you, you can put your job security on the rocks by poop stories at their lunch table. Of course, even if they don’t hire you, I’m sure poop stories at lunch would, at the very least, make you memorable! Bring props. 🙂

  14. It helps to not bathe before the interview. In recent memory. In summer.

    I once hired someone who seemed normal and responsible and whose references all checked out. She never showed up for work and was arrested a few weeks later for squatting on someone else’s property. Like, the pioneer kind of squatting. No, that doesn’t help clarify it.

  15. I traveled a great distance to say, here, that I traveled a great distance to be here. I needed to find out how not to get a job that I don’t want and have not applied for. Just in case I do apply for a job I do not want. 🙂

    • I’m so glad these reminders may have done the job of helping you find a job that you might want to be reminded about not wanting. 😀 Thanks for traveling this way, I really appreciate it. After all the heavy-hitting guest bloggers here this month, I was afraid my post would be pitifully quiet. 🙂

      • It appears to have not been pitifully anything! 😉 I like the tips. I wonder who might follow them? That would be an interesting post! And they could print that blog and hand it to the interviewer as they stood there all agape! 🙂

      • Aww, thanks! It didn’t do too badly! *phew*

        I think I would feel better if one of these interviewees brought in this post, or a post like it… at least I would have some idea of what was happening! Haha! 🙂

  16. This is a very well written post, as I come to expect from rarasaur, but I was looking for some original ideas. I’ve tried all of these and I think the folks at the unemployment office are starting to catch on. Please help! I have an interview at 9 a.m. tomorrow.

    • Haha, oh no… well, let’s see, Tony, you’ll have to go for the big guns. You’re going to have to sticker bomb the face of the interviewer as soon as you walk in. Be considerate and use stickers from local punk bands so that they’ll still look cool. (Thanks for reading! 🙂 )

  17. We make people come in for an afternoon and do a series of interviews with different people. One guy showed up on time, did okay in his first two 30-minute interviews, then asked for directions to the men’s room. That was the last we ever saw of him.

    • Haha! Disappearing is a classic, I can’t believe I forgot it! 😀 (On another note, what on earth makes people invest hours in a job they don’t want?! 🙂 )

  18. Definitely one of the worst things about my previous job was hiring people. Especially because it was in retail and so a lot would be very young and very nervous. The best one was a girl who put her mother down as a reference. I called the mother and she trash talked her daughter and told me she was unhelpful and lazy.

    • I always tell the young ones to make sure their references would give good references because “I’m really going to call them.”… a lot of the time, they’ll take the form back and write someone else in.

      I thought everyone who would list their mama would have one that would say nice things, but I guess I was wrong! Yikes! 🙂 Still, if you’re looking to “not” get hired, that’s not a bad direction to go… 😀

  19. My older stepson has taken a less effortful approach, which involves sitting alone in his flat in Dundee going ‘no-one is hiring students in Dundee. I know this, because I am sitting alone in my flat in Dundee, not speaking to anyone, going out, or applying for jobs. I don’t need to do these things. I just know NOBODY can get a job in Dundee. Now go away, you’re interrupting my sleeping/guitar practice/DVD watching’.

    • Gas is a must. 🙂 I don’t know if it’s better when it’s followed by repeated abject apologies or just completely ignored… either way, you’re probably still good, haha! 😀 Thanks for popping by, April!

  20. This is excellent advice. Cracking gum loudly is also helpful, as is asking, “So when can I start taking vacation days?” Interrupting a lot and talking over the interviewer would probably be nice too.

  21. Hi, your post kept me laughing all the way down to reading each and every comment! Your readers are equally interesting. I hesitated commenting cos simply I am quite puzzled over why would anyone apply for some jobs that they do not want? Btw, greatly appreciate your following my blog! I would look fwd to more hilarious post from you 🙂

    • Thanks! I do love my readers, their comments are very often the best part of my posts. 😀

      I’m not sure why people would apply for a job they don’t want. 🙂 In all seriousness, they probably DO want the job, but just go about it in a way that almost guarantees a negative. I’m poking (just a little) fun at that. 🙂 Thank you for reading!!

  22. “I love the work I do, I love my boss, and I love that I am not the boss…” I guess I must be joining you and that guy from Oklahoma in that exclusive club. And, the best part for me is that I don’t have to interview any perspective co-workers – though the drawback is that I don’t see any of that hilarity nor get to practice my interview skills.

    • Huzzah! If we get enough people in the club, we can host a bingo night! But seriously, I keep reading these studies that put us in a really tiny minority, each of those loves making us a smaller and smaller piece of pie. 🙂

      The lack of ridiculousness that you see in interviews does ALMOST make up for having to be involved in them… almost, most days…. 🙂

      • I don’t even have to read the studies – where I work, I don’t know anybody who really likes their job, and it’s a 9 to 5 place with good benefits, not some underground some sweatshop.

      • Yep, same here! When I’m feeling particularly rawr-y, I envision sending these people to a “bad job” for a day– a sort of Tough Love Enlightenment Program. 🙂

  23. And I think she may have wanted the job, but I had to interview a young woman for a retail position and she was wearing a nose ring that was a pot leaf. I’m sitting across from her thinking, what you do on your own time is your business, but a pot leaf does not fit with this position. Sigh, next…

    • Yep! The sad “other side” of this post is how all of these people (who were all real people) probably really wanted the job. I feel old school just saying this… but noserings in general are probably a good way to not get hired, and a pot nosering is just going above and beyond. 😉

      Thanks for popping by and reading! 😀

      • Believe me, turning her away because of a pot nose ring made me feel like about 100 years old. But really, when you work in retail, you do have to think about how the employees reflect the image of the company.

    • Haha, well, that works in reverse, too. Don’t look like a “millennial”, whatever that is… because that lowers your chances, too.

      Of course, neither affects a reasonable interviewer! 🙂

  24. Pingback: I’m Off to Fly a Kite | rarasaur

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