How To Celebrate The Fourth Of July

Fireworks on the beach on the Fourth of July. ...

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Many of you are well aware that Fourth of July is the American Independence day.  If you were ever unsure how exactly to celebrate it, here are a few helpful hints.

First of all, the celebration consists of four important parts, namely American flags, grilling food, drinking alcohol and fireworks.  While some of those parts seem unrelated to the history of American independence, all off these elements actually have deep connections to the American Revolutionary War.

Let’s start with the flag. Make sure to buy a lowest-quality American flag made in China. This may feel slightly unpatriotic, but in a few hours, when the flag falls apart and you have to sew it back together, you will feel exactly like Betsy Ross.

Drink a lot (like A LOT) of beer to celebrate the holiday. If you know your history, you should remember that the colonists threw out boxes of tea into the Boston Harbor, protesting when the British King tried to make the colonists drink tea instead of beer.

If Samuel Adams beer is sold in your region, drink that brand to honor one of the Founding Fathers. However, if you plan to drive, please remember that the legal founding father level in your blood should be below 0.05% to 0.1%, depending on the state where you live.

Of course, it’s much better to not to drink and drive. However, should you run out of beer mid-party, it’s still legal to send horseback rider to gallop through the dark streets and roads to that liquor store that’s always open late. Then keep an eye out for the lone rider, approaching your party while yelling “Beer is coming, beer is coming!”. This ride will be forever known as “the Re-beer ride”.

Still, try not to drink too much.  You know you drank too much beer, if by the dawn’s early light you wake up to find yourself crossing the Delaware river in somebody’s boat.

If you are too young to drink beer, it’s perfectly ok to drink tea. Yes, it’s still a patriotic thing to do, because when you are dropping the teabag into the water, you are creating a miniature re-enactment of the Boston Tea Party in your tea cup.

Grill plenty of burgers. Remember, those burgers sacrificed their lives for your freedom to eat them.

End the celebration with fireworks.  Buy plenty of fireworks and break laws if you have to.  Remember, it’s a proud American tradition to break state laws to buy the fireworks, because, seriously, what’s the point of having freedom if you aren’t free to buy fireworks to celebrate your freedom?

Invite your friends to watch your fireworks. Set off the fireworks when you see the whites of their eyes. Call the ambulance if you still see the whites of their eyes 20 minutes after setting off the fireworks.

Have a safe and fun Independence Day!

P.S. It’s totally up to you whether to invite your British friends.

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19 thoughts on “How To Celebrate The Fourth Of July

  1. It is currently the 6th of July and I am still learning from this post. Oh, and still drinking. Both will make me a better human being. Only one will make me have to pee, though.

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