Summer is nearly here and with that the arrival of banana-thong season:
According to every magazine, the ideal man shape is this:
1. Don’t eat food. If you start to feel light-headed, stuff yourself with packing peanuts. They’re only 7 calories a ton!
3. Move to the moon. You will automatically weigh less because of the weaker gravitational pull. That’s science, my friend. Only don’t eat the moon because it’s made of cheese and cheese is fattening–even on the moon.
4. Drink Slim-Fast® shakes to the point of nausea. This will take one sip.
5. Remove extraneous organs. Did you know your intestines are, like, 30 feet long! Think how much thinner you’d be if you slimmed that down by 10 feet. Not only would you weigh less, but you innards will be less cluttered and more attractive. And you will lose weight because you will feel like shit during your recovery. No pain, no gain–wait, I mean, more pain, less gain. Medicine!
6. If you’re struggling with the whole non-eating step, move to where a zombie apocalypse is occuring. Food will likely be scarce and hard to get because, you know, zombies and stuff.
7. More exercise. Are you shaking your Shakeweight® vigorously enough? It should be at the point where you’re beaning yourself in the head. Remember, if you’re unconscious, you’re less likely to eat. But don’t get too unconscious because then you can’t do your squats.
8. Get some muscular harpy-like thing to shriek “motivation” into your face. Something like this:
9. This step doesn’t exist because there are only eight.