How to Lose Weight

Summer is nearly here and with that the arrival of banana-thong season:

bananathongAccording to every magazine, you are fat and you only need to follow “these 8 simple steps” to lose weight. According to every magazine, the ideal woman-shape is this:


According to every magazine, the ideal man shape is this:

idealmanshapeHow do you get to your ideal shape? Simple! By following “these 8 simple steps:”

1. Don’t eat food. If you start to feel light-headed, stuff yourself with packing peanuts. They’re only 7 calories a ton!

2. Exercise a lot. The optimal exercise program would combine using an Ab Roller®,  a Shakeweight® and a ThighMaster® simultaneously.

3. Move to the moon. You will automatically weigh less because of the weaker gravitational pull. That’s science, my friend. Only don’t eat the moon because it’s made of cheese and cheese is fattening–even on the moon.

4. Drink Slim-Fast® shakes to the point of nausea. This will take one sip.

5. Remove extraneous organs. Did you know your intestines are, like, 30 feet long! Think how much thinner you’d be if you slimmed that down by 10 feet. Not only would you weigh less, but you innards will be less cluttered and more attractive. And you will lose weight because you will feel like shit during your recovery. No pain, no gain–wait, I mean, more pain, less gain. Medicine!

6. If you’re struggling with the whole non-eating step, move to where a zombie apocalypse is occuring. Food will likely be scarce and hard to get because, you know, zombies and stuff.

7. More exercise. Are you shaking your Shakeweight® vigorously enough? It should be at the point where you’re beaning yourself in the head. Remember, if you’re unconscious, you’re less likely to eat. But don’t get too unconscious because then you can’t do your squats.

8. Get some muscular harpy-like thing to shriek “motivation” into your face. Something like this:

jillianmichaelsPeople seem to like it on that Biggest Loser show, and when has reality television ever been wrong?

9. This step doesn’t exist because there are only eight.

32 thoughts on “How to Lose Weight

  1. I’ve already done step no. 5 — remove extra organs. I am still fat. Next I will cut my hair because that always makes the scale go lower.

  2. I’ve done step 5 too. I was planning on turning organ-removal into the latest weight loss fad. I like this hair cut thing though…it seems less bloody.

  3. I’ve often thought to myself, “If only I could remain unconscious all day, why– I’d never have to eat!” Then I’d probably be dead, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do sometimes…

  4. Packing peanuts, huh? I think I’ve had those before – it’s in those “fat free” cookies. Back when we were supposed to go fat free instead of carb free. Actually it’s just food free, really. I’m sure the next thing they’ll come up with is the “Anorexic Plan” or possibly “Bulimic Plan”. All new, guaranteed to work.

  5. Since I have the trifecta of incurable gastrointestinal ills — hiatal hernia, gastritis and esophagitis, I am on a strict diet or else I’d be spitting fire and the Alien would burst out of my small intestine in about 37 seconds. To avoid this unwanted attention, my gastroenterologist does not allow me to eat any food with flavor. It’s the bore yourself senseless to a normal middle age body weight diet. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

  6. Excellent. Although in some western cultures the ideal woman shape has half-melons instead of the cupcakes, equally easy to achieve if you add an extra step e.g. go to greengrocer’s and buy the right fruit for you, etc. Congratulations, very well written 🙂

  7. Thank you for these handy hints – I’m going to incorporate them into my everyday life right away. Except one correction on #5 – if you remove your intestines you won’t feel like shit because, you know, you need intestines to make that shit.

  8. funny, eauughh I hate articles like that, all you need is 40 minutes of a good weight routine every second day along with an average diet and more/less time depending on current body figure..

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