How to Write The Greatest How-To Post

This post was originally published on Speaker7 last May, and since I’m all about the earth, I am recycling it. 

People want to know things. Simply typing “How to” into Google generates interesting queries like “How to make head cheese,” “How to last longer in bed” and “How to breed a rainbow dragon.” Interestingly no one has created the query “how to teach a rainbow dragon to make head cheese while lasting longer in bed.” That doesn’t mean they don’t want to know.

In fact, I would like to know…er…I mean, my friend Friend, no, not Friend. . .uh. . . Plate, Plate Fork, would like to know. If anyone has any idea how to make that work, please write a how-to post on it. You will learn how to make it the greatest after reading this.

So how do you write the greatest how-to post? It’s surprisingly easy! Just follow these steps:

  1.  Place your fingers on the home row of your keyboard. Type “How To. . .” except don’t use ellipses, fill it in with something like How To Smell a Wine Cork Without Looking Like an Idiot or How To Wrestle in Jello Without Getting Diabetes.
  2. Brine the pig head overnight.
  3. Go to sleep. Do not stay up and watch the Ab Rocket Twister infomercial. I can go from flab to fab in just five minutes? I might need to stay up. No, no, I should go to sleep.
  4. Wake up. Drain and rinse the pig head. Place the head into a big pot, fill with chicken stock. Log onto your blog. Type something under your How To. . . headline. You didn’t change the ellipses yet? Change the ellipses into something like How To Change Ellipses into Words. Okay now write something underneath it. It should be something amazing.
  5. Skim the fat as needed. After a few hours, pick off the edible meat from the tongue, nose and ears. Cover it with plastic wrap.
  6. Throw up quietly into a bucket.
  7. Mix the meat with parsley and other flavorings like MSG and barf.
  8. Go back into your blog, write something even more amazing than the last thing you wrote. Like, make it super amazing.
  9. Cover and refrigerate overnight.
  10. Go to sleep. Don’t stay up to watch Blue-Eyed Butcher on Lifetime.
  11. Remove the plastic wrap and serve with pickles.

If you followed all the steps, your greatest how-to post should look like this:

source: Wikipedia

source: Wikipedia

Whatever you do, do not eat this.

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19 thoughts on “How to Write The Greatest How-To Post

  1. Sadly, my neighbor greases her pigs so I wore myself out trying to catch one I could behead. I went home and got drunk instead. The running and beer did make me barf and the results don’t look too far off from your post.

  2. I still remember that photo from last year. It is burned in my brain like the brain that was burned off the pig and used to spread on Wonder Bread.

  3. Your words are sheet poetry. As a matter of fact, “Brine the pig head overnight.” was the name of the play Shakespeare was working on when he died. True story.

    • “sheer” “sheer” ! I could see that was wrong as my finger hit “post comment” but there was a nanosecond delay before my brain got the message. Damn!

      • I think my words could be sheet poetry too like my post could be printed on bed sheets and people could be like “yes!” or not.

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