You may have noticed an uptick in new followers recently. This may have led to such thinking like:
“I have finally arrived.”
“That book deal is just around the corner.”
“Maybe I don’t need that job that pays all the bills?”
This is erroneous thinking–except in my case. Seriously, you should see the number of followers I have now, and I haven’t even written anything. People are really starting to get into what I’m writing, or in this instance, not writing. I have arrived, world!
But let’s get back to you. Your new followers. There’s a good chance they are not real. How can you tell?
This is why this blog exists, and why you’re following it, like all those other real followers who began following in the last few weeks. Follow these steps to determine if you’ve found a new loyal reader or soul-crushing robot bent on your complete annhilation.
1. The Blog Name
Sometimes you can determine real from fake simply by looking at the name of your new follower. Does it appear to have multiple consonants and strange characters like Zzzz*23ÖΦ¢zzzz? As far as I am aware, that is not the name of a human being. There are parents out there who live to give their children a unique (or you-neek) name so their children can forever be haunted by mispronounciations. For instance, I have seen this spelling for Jane: “Gn♥.” But Zzzz*23ÖΦ¢zzzz has yet to catch on.
Well then, you may be thinking: “Could my latest reader be a cat that has its own blog?”
Possibly, but cats are normally unreliable followers, and it’s best to avoid their overtures of friendship. Don’t kid yourself, if a cat has a blog, it wants something from you.
So what if your new follower has an actual name like my most recent follower: onlinedegreeonlinedegrees? I am suspecting that this may be some woman in her mid-40s writing about her personal journey toward learning how to play the saxophone or it could a diploma mill that offers bogus degrees.
When you’re uncertain the next step is to look at your new follower’s gravatar.
2. The Gravatar
Most people choose a gravatar that expresses a statement about their blog, like my gravatar of a nail being hammered into a brain. I’m saying “Ow. Knowledge hurts so let’s never learn.” Examine your new follower’s gravatar. Does it give off this kind of vibe?
Then it is likely fake.
Some savvy spammers will use a picture of a human being to give the appearance of possessing an actual soul and conscience. Like so:
Or it could resemble that tribal tattoo you got after a night of binge-drinking green beer with a weight-loss supplement that causes anal leakage.
If you’re still unsure, then the next step is looking at the actual blog.
3. The Actual Blog
You’re sorry you did this. Yeah, me too. I noticed my computer has been acting funny. It’s requesting my social security number every time I launch Firefox, but if that’s what it takes, right?
A good indication that your new best bud is fake is your best bud’s blog doesn’t exist:
Or it appears to have little content:
Or it appears to be a giant commercial for everything you’ve never wanted:
If you’re still unsure then the next step is to look at your new reader’s interaction with your blog.
4. Your follower’s interaction with you.
Does it look like this?
Then likely your new follower is following in incomprehensible name only.
True, 95 percent of your new readership was probably created in a dank cellar in some dark corner of the world, but keep in mind that only 10 percent of your followers actually read you anyway. And, boy, are your stats looking pretty dynamite right now.
Unlike the majority of your new readership, the Official How To Blog is maintained by an actual human being. That makes you desperate to write for it, right?
The Official How To Blog is your one true source of all information and anal-leakage needs.
I feel used and abused now, and must shower. I might even use soap this time.
Oh, don’t feel bad. . . I’m sure iloansdirect is really into your blog. I don’t know what I’m talking about half the time.
But they sell vitamins that will help me get all healthy and junk. 😉
What I’d like to know is how can I tell if I’ve been taken over a bot? What if they start imitating my amazing charm?
The quickest way to tell is if you speak in words or 1s and 0s.
Lol… I simply have to go trawl thru my followers now… I am looking for the cat… Permission to reblog please…xx
Permission granted. . . as long as you don’t have any cat followers.
No have checked now… I don’t…xx
Well this certainly puts a dampener on my spirits. I thought I was getting popular here! Commence miffed mode.
You’re still popular, it’s just with a different crowd made up of skin care products, diploma mills and money scams.
That’s what’s f’in’ up my computer? I thought it was slamming my head against the keyboard when I realize that the 300 new followers is a scam.
It could be a little of both. I find my computer doesn’t work so well when I throw it against a wall.
I love how this post is tagged “anal leakage.”
Thank you for noticing.
I like the part about this blog being my source for all information, but I think I can do without the second part…
Sorry, but anal leakage is one of the side effects of reading this blog.
Seems to me that disclaimer ought to have been put somewhere obvious so I wouldn’t have had to think for myself and would still be informed of any danger.
Oh well, what’s life without a little discomfort sometimes?
Reblogged this on Speaker7 and commented:
For some reason, I thought my increase in subscribers was due to my new legwarmers, but alas I have learned it is something else entirely.
I thought they liked me…they really, really liked me.
It is a bummer, but true friends don’t make fake blogs to sell body building juice mixes.
Thank you TOHTB! Now I feel slightly sad and my anus is still leaking. Did I miss the remedy for this post?
That will be the next how-to.
Maybe you can get immodiumabuser to follow your blog too. I bet he could help.
The trick is to ignore the fact that most of your followers are fake and post a screen shot of your stats on FaceBook: “Look I have X number of followers now!” They won’t know the difference.
And now they believe ‘this writing thing’ I’ve been wanting to do my whole life is finally paying off. (I’m living a lie.)
That is a briliant idea.
When I first started blogging, I would get comments that I swore were from an ESL (English as a second language) student: “Your blog is very much enjoyable and precise.” Turns out no one from China was reading me. Spammers.
Thank you. This comment will help the internet viewers for building up new readers or even weblog from start to finish. I enjoy your layout of pages much very.
All my imaginary subscribers looking for increased traffic to their imaginary blogs will get lots of increased traffic from my new imaginary subscribers looking for increased traffic to their imaginary blogs.
higher level of thinking there, girl.
The circle of life.
And what is really amazing is all these new imaginary followers have not increased my views by even an imaginary amount.
So, like, I think I’m real. I’m not sure tho cos my avatar is apparently a picture of my neck and shoulder rather than my face – so no way of proving that…
..btw. are you interested in the latest cure for everything? Offering good rates!
I am very much interested in this cure of which you write. Your comment offers us very valuable information to work on.
I’m sorry but your response is too grammatically correct to be considered fake.
I hate to break it to you, but iloansdirect is cheating on you – with my blog. Also Zzzz*23ÖΦ¢zzzz;. But I wonder – is immodiumabuser following you too, or just me?
I think he follows me to, but he’s real. Some of his posts were pretty entertaining, actually.
Really? I guess I should have checked first – but with all the fakers I didn’t want to give my computer STDs. It’s like the names of rock bands – hard to tell. Far out. My apologies, immodiumabuser.
Yeah, that shit’s for real. Do you see what I did there?
But it always warms my heart to be told that my blog “is exactly the information writing I was looking for! This will very help the best of the internet!”
And I am positive they mean it.
Damn – I knew it wasn’t my amazing writing…
It could be. . . although I’ve been told people are drawn to me mainly because of my Axe Body Spray.
At this point I don’t really care who follows me…I will take anything, I’m easy like that. Now if I can just get those darn cats to press the like button…
No! You do not want cats!
Fine, I will remain strong… 🙂 Hoping for more humans then.
You mean … they’re not real??? And here I thought … it was true friendship!
Tell me about it. I had a friendship bracelet made up for one until I realized it was wordpress store theme.
My blog sells high-quality top 10 lists, but yes, they might cause anal leakage. And you have to contact iloansdirect if you’re interested in financing them.
Oh, is THAT what’s causing that?
I get a lot of complaints from people saying that my blog caused them to spill their liquids, so I assume this is an euphemism for anal leakage.
I was too embarrassed to say anything, but don’t feel so bad now that I know it’s happening to others.
iloansdirect is a pretty good friend of mine. I will look into it, sir.
Um…List of X, mine is not leaking from my anus but rather my vagina! Explanation please?????…..
Ok, that’s not supposed to happen. But it’s really hard for me to check if that’s supposed to happen or not, because I don’t have a vagina.
Well I have always figured my “vagina” leakage was due to 4 people that decided they wanted to claw there way out of my sex hole to get here…..but it could be your blog I suppose….;) You get a winky face because I went all inappropriate and what not…
I, for one, am thrilled 99% of my followers are cats who play the saxophone. That was the exact demographic I was hoping for. But I draw the line at cats with anal leakage.
My cats read your blog, but they are, alas, musically untalented.
I will always write for your cats, Laura.
We all have standards. I personally insist on a minimum amount of anal leakage from many of my subscribers. You are exempted of course.
And me and my ass thank you.
…or my ass and I thank you. Either way.
I always had trouble with the “me and my ass” vs “my ass and I” distinction in 5th grade English.
You mean, WritingJobs didn’t really want to offer me a writing job? That’s it. I can’t take it anymore. I’m done with this world.
I’m jealous that WritingJobs didn’t even want to fake follow me to offer me a non-existent writing job.
You should be! I think…
Everyone is talking about this. I’ve had about five of these new fake followers in the past month. No content in the blog it links back to or the content is disjointed and random. I got over the WordPress “follower” thing a while back and realized that there are more people outside of WordPress following my blog (and I love all of them dearly, except the fakes). I’m also getting SPAM from fake Facebook accounts on my blog (no friends, no information, just stupid messages).
Good article. Hope you don’t mind if I share it.
I wonder what changed at wordpress to start this influx?
Pingback: How to Tell if Your New Followers Are Real or Not. | West Coast Review
10%? lol… wrong. Nice try though… lol.
I left out the decimal point. It should have read: .00010 percent.
lol…Percentage bandits are funny. Nice try though but your theory is flawed because you base it on only your experience. I have far more than 10% lol… take care.
This explains a lot but will probably not prevent me from becoming enraged from a robot correcting my grammer, stoopid robots.
Me like you’re grammer big timey.
“This content on this bog site is exactley what I was looking for! Your site is very good write and has the information that one needs to be known…” is what I would say if I was dirty blog bot. I have stopped worrying too much about followers and watch my view counts. Granted those are still very low but we have not completely worked out our details yet.
I wish you meant the first two sentences because I wish someone would compliment me on my bog sites and my good write.
Has the WP reader always had that “you may like” sidebar? I first started noticing it around the same time I started getting an influx of followers, and I think it might be responsible for both the human-spammer follows (you know, blogs that exist but are full of SEO tips or whatever) and actual new followers.
A-ha! Maybe you’re on to something.
Wait, are those tumbleweeds? Those are tumbleweeds! Make those tumbleweeds roll! But how? How to make those tumbleweeds roll? If only there was a blog to explain!
The Official How To Blog’s How To Make Tumbleweeds Roll appearing summer 2014.
Dang – and I was getting so close to that next little picture of a trophy in the orange box. Now you are telling me that stats are meaningless – what is this world coming to?
That trophy still means something, especially if everyone gets one.
Whew – that’s a relief to hear, working for it all these months…
You had me at anal leakage…Ay!
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that.
I’m so new here they haven’t found me yet, maybe they’re prejudiced about people living at the bottom of the world.
Is that the south pole?
Nearly ………. next stop New Zealand
Okay, I’ve finally gotten around to following this second site of yours. You know I’m not a spambot, and I know that you’ve seen far too many of them interact on reality TV.
I think the greatest reality TV dating show would be one involving fake blogs falling in love.
And you’d be my go-to source to re-crap that show sparing me from having to watch it.
I knew AnalLeakageBlog was too good to be true…
Oh no, that blog is definitely for realz. Keep on lovin’ AnalLeakageBlog.
Reblogged this on and commented:
You never know who may be lurking….
All I’m taking away from this post is that spam causes anal leakage.
I know that from personal experience.
Let’s do some number crunching. Based on my number of followers versus the number of hits I get on a post, minus the number of those hits that are actually intentional and not someone expecting an email of kiddie porn and conviently spotting Childhhod Relived in his inbox for example, divided by the number of people who can also name all Eight is Enough kids and are therefore worth my time writing for, I’ve determined I have approximately negative 15 followers who are not spambots.
I follow you and I’m real, Ang. Wanna home mortgage? Cheap?
Can you show me that little mortgage video with the cartoon guy running in place?
I believe the equation is wordpress + freshly pressed – fakery – spam – david hasselhoff = real followers.
I don’t care enough to check out all my new followers one by one. And for those who don’t read? Well, I don’t give much of a shit about that either. I don’t write for them, I write because I have something to say.
That is pretty healthy thinking. I am envious of it.
I save my insanity for important shit…like people who cut me off or try to take my place in line.
Wait, so I shouldn’t have been sending those nudes of myself before checking to see if they were spam accounts?
You can never go wrong with sending nudes out over the internet.
Reblogged this on Code Name Incog.
I had been noticing an uptick in spam messages on my blog, but I consider it par for the course. You just need to be careful and monitor your comments to allow in real people. It takes more time, but I feel that you have a better return on followers. BTW…I AM real. LOL
Nice article. I’m glad I stopped by your blog. 🙂
Thank you for being a real, live human being.
LOL You are welcome!
I’m pretty sure my recent uptick in followers is just smart people making wise reading choices. Or it could be that anal leakage thing – either one.
It’s likely a combo. I’m wisely reading this comments whilst wearing depends.
I just started following you and I’m a real person…I promise!
Now this name is becoming as familiar as Kaylee.
Huh, I just realised these are nails driven into brains by hammers. How could I miss that?!
The knowledge you’re learning from this site was getting in the way.
I don’t care where the increased readership comes from as long as they say such heart-warming words as:
1. The ND Computer Repair Center is a fee-for-service fix up mastery available to Notre Dame faculty;
2. Simply discovered this internet thru Yahoo, precisely what a means to brighten up my month!
3. louis vuitton handbags for sale…
4. Thank you for another superb article belivesothate.
Please don’t think I’m a lame follower-in-fake-name only. To prove it, let me just say, “I find you very talented in using (multiple times) the phrase ‘anal leakage’.”
It’s a whole science this… I’ve noticed that when I attach certain tags, like ‘art’ it generates “spam likes”.
Now if only I understood the motivation behind 99% of the spam I get…! Have you written anything on that yet?
I feel so let down now. And here I thought I had hit it big. 😉
What if I’m just a spam bot in a fake reality and this is how they are created. I just don’t know anymore 😦
funny funny. are you and the speaker 7 the same person? If so, please read my piece on “Oprah and her Sheets on my blog.” I think you’ll like it. You and i are alike in funny ways. ~sherri (Im real)