How to Make Small Talk

Today’s post is brought to you by Speaker7.

Oh…um…Hi. How are things? …um…

Well…er…how ’bout that rain? It’s been like raining with water and stuff.

So…um…I’ve been asked to write about small talk so…okay…um…I’ll do that now?

1. Introduce yourself. It will give you something to talk about for two seconds. You might be tempted to make up a name to give you something else to talk about it– “Hi. I’m Casey Anthony!”–but don’t. You could possibly run into this person again, and the next bout of small talk will be even more awkward if you can’t remember what name you gave.

2. Stick to safe topics. Some suggestions:

  • weather 


  • the room you’re in — “How ’bout this floor, huh?”
  • Donald Trump’s hairpiece — “So, do you think his hair is made out of urine-soaked hamster bedding?”

3. Stay away from hot-button issues like:

  • politics 


  • religion


  • motherhood

motherhood4. Make eye contact. It can be off-putting if you look like this:

noeyecontact5. Don’t make too much eye contact, however. Don’t look like this:


6. Ask questions. Feign interest in your small talk participant.






7. Do not piss your pants. Same goes for poopy.

8. Under no circumstances, should you ever say this:


The Official How To Blog is your one true source of everything. 

I like your shoes.

80 thoughts on “How to Make Small Talk

  1. “I think fetuses should be allowed to abort women” might be the most intelligent thing I’ve heard in ages. I can’t wait to insert it into awkward conversation at the next ProLife fundraiser I host.

    • These are amazing tips. I know because I wrote them, and they appear on the most official how to blog in the universe. You can not go wrong asking the next stranger if said stranger does the Dew.

  2. My go-to fake name has always been Betsy Ross although once when I believe I may have imbibed more spirits than necessary, about the equivalent of an oil tanker’s worth, I might have called myself Diana Ross. I wasn’t feeling very supreme about that the next fuzzy headed day.

  3. #6 makes me think that there’s an online coffee mug store somewhere with a thousand pictures that are identical in every way except for what’s written on the mug.

  4. “Well…er…how ’bout that rain? It’s been like raining with water and stuff”
    That made me LOL

  5. I create my talk bubbles with Adobe Illustrator, and my fart bubbles with a tub of warm water and a diet high in fiber. Booger flicking is verboten, but is booger rolling okay? Ooops, I peed myself a little. How about this weather, huh? I’m done now, your turn to say something.

  6. I love this. Don’t forget to put your personality into it too. Sense of Humor seems to go along way. I personally can make fun of myself with certain things, and if I am laughing about it I guarantee you can make some one else laugh at it too

  7. It’s kind of hard to make small talk on WordPress: every comment has that pesky link that implies that we all have a blog. On the other hand, no one knows if I have pissed my pants while writing the comment, or even if I’m wearing pants at all.

  8. **I have a hypothetical question. It’s definitely not based on experience…**

    Where on the list does grabbing someone’s crotch fit in? I suspect it’s right after introducing yourself. I find it’s a great ice breaker.

    Lisa Newlin
    Embarrassing myself so you don’t have to. You’re welcome

    • Sometimes it doesn’t hurt to start right with the crotch-grabbling. It will definitely lead to an introduction or an arrest, either way it gives you something to talk about at the next cocktail party.

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