Merbear of Knocked Over By a Feather felt compelled to write about a serious topic that has been affecting many, many people: the struggle of citrus encapsulation, or SOCE.
Before Merbear submitted her informative post, I had been peeling my oranges with a banana peel because I thought that was its purpose. Now I know more and you can too!
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Step one: Check to see how long your nails are. If they are short and nubby, your going to need an extra five minutes, if not longer.
Step 2: Squeeze the orange to check for thickness of the rind. Get a good feel for it. Rub it. Become one with it. Learn the language of citrus.
Step 3: Gently place your thumb at the top of the orange. Press firmly, until you smell the delightful aroma of oranges permeate the air. Imagine yourself on a boat by a river…(This process can be used for tangerines as well!)
Step 4: In a quick downward motion, rip the first small piece of orange peel off, and fling it to the side, like the bitch that it is.
Step 5: Repeat
Step 6: Repeat
Step 7: Repeat
Step 8: Re..fuck it, you get the idea.
Step 9: Behold your expertly peeled orange!
Step 10: Pick all that white shit off of there. Unless you like the white stuff. I don’t.
Step 11: Section it, and enjoy!
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Do you want to write a post for The Official How To Blog? You don’t? What’s wrong with you. I really think you should reconsider. It’s so official and a tad how-tooey.
The Official How To Blog is the one-true source for all information and fruit needs.
The Official How To Blog 
Reblogged this on knocked over by a feather and commented:
So honored to be the first guest blogger on The Official How to blog….check it out. 🙂
Your skills with citrus leave me in awe.
Thank you. It’s a hidden talent.
Wait a minute. I think I am going to have to sue for misrepresentation. Because if I’m not mistaken, that fruit is a clementine.
It works for all variations of citrus, that’s the beauty of it.
Well, I’ll give you that. But …
Reblogged this on Speaker7 and commented:
Is this you?
“I’m trying to peel this orange, and I just sliced my face open with a chainsaw!!?!”
Well, slice your face open with a chainsaw while peeling an orange no longer!
Merbear of the Knocked Over with a Feather Empire has a guest post up at The Most Official How to Blog that will teach you the skillz to peel the orange billz.
I tried step 2 until my husband made me stop. He said it made him uncomfortable. Can someone else peel my fruit?
I will do it for a nominal fee.
What a pithy post.
I wasn’t sure if that was a compliment or not. Thank goodness for dictionary.com
It was a double-entendre, or as we say in English, double-entendre.
Well played.
Oh, I have been doing it wrong all my life! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
You are very welcome. It brings me joy to share my knowledge with others.
You’ve done mankind a great service today!
And gave me a much need laugh while you were at it
Then I am glad I wrote it! xx
Why do I need to imagine myself to be on a boat BY a river? I am having trouble imagining myself this some kind of a land-based boat. This must be why I find it so difficult to peel oranges and tangerines.
It’s a Beatles reference that makes the whole experience a little more acid trippy.
Shoot, I didn’t get it, and I know that song. But I think even in that song it was “on a river”. I guess that citric acid is even more trippy than LSD.
When its mixed together, watch out. Hallucinations of Walrus’s.
I hire someone to ‘start’ my orange so I don’t get the first bit o’orange oil spurted into my eyes.
I don’t blame you there. That stuff can blind a person.
It’s as important as having a paid person do your taxes – some things are just worth paying for!
🙂 What a great laugh!
Thank you!
I’ve given up peeling oranges with my bare hands since long ago. With some (big) trials and error I can finally wield a simple kitchen knife and slice that .. hm what’s the word you used ?
Rind. Don’t forget to pick that white shit off.
I’m religious in picking those. I call it clean while my mother says I’m plain fussy.
Merbear,
Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Orange, Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Le Clown
Le Clown,
I most certainly fucking am.
Merbear
Merbear, you should really do infomercials. First you have to come up with something besides fingers, some lame tool you can market. Like a stick. Then you pick up the orange and struggle with it, really toss it around, drop it on the floor, sigh dramatically. Start trying to peel it with a chainsaw, as speaker suggested. Finally – eureeka – pick up your stick and peel the orange. Genius! You will be a millionaire.
That’s a great idea. Part stick/part mini chainsaw. I will call it “The Rind-Be-Gone” Comes with a free First Aid kit.
WHAT? You mean you aren’t supposed to just bite right in to it like an apple? What. The Fuck. Man.
If I had been doing that all this time, I would be saying what the fuck man myself. I will give you a deal on a “Rind-Be-Gone.” Half price.
Getting rid of the white shit is crucial; I drive my husband insane with how long it takes me; same with tangerines…
It ruins the orange, no doubt there. You are very diligent.
Right? I know.
My mother-in-law eats all the white stuff off a grapefruit. Yuck.
let’s not forget eye protection – have you ever gotten a squirt of citrus in your eyes??? OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ouch indeed. 😉
So, I guess I should grow an orange nail on my thumb…kinda like a coke-nail, but less illegal intended use.
It helps if there is a bit of a sharp edgy hook on the end, so you can snag the rind just right.
Who knew? All these years of slicing, and I could have been peeling. Looking forward to your moving on to bigger things……..like maybe grapefruit?
Defiantly. 🙂
These steps are perfect! Wellllll, almost perfect. I mean, I understand and will use all of them except for step 11. “Enjoy?” My step 11 would be. “Hand to the wife so she can enjoy.” Bleh, oranges, gross!
Don’t worry, next time I will do a banana. 😉
That would great! I know I do that one wrong already. Something about starting from the bottom rather than the top….
You know, I have so many pervy comments I could make, but I choose to just smile innocently. 🙂
Why? I knew I was setting myself up for comments to veer a certain direction… that was half the fun!
Well, if you insist..I have a technique that involves teeth.
LOL
Oh dear… um, um, um… Well, I guess that could be fun.
I warned you!! LOL
Hear ye, hear ye, official Matticus Kingdom proclamation: We we warned. You may now return to your normal tasks.
Very informative post full of much pleasing information. If you will, I was confused by your instructions around #8, and I have a half peeled orange awaiting your clarification. It is actually a grapefruit.
I warn you, it might sting a bit. Proceed with caution.
I guess I have been doing this wrong:
1. Get invited to a Pampered Chef Party
2. Eat chicken salad and cheese baked into Pillsbury crescent roll dough.
3. Compete like a mad person to win the orange peeler out of the prize basket by playing “The Price is Right” with the PC stoneware.
4. Buy a pizza cutter out of guilt.
5. Wait a few months until you remember to buy oranges again, search for peeler, end up giving up and looking up next PC party near you. Repeat steps.
There’s always alternate ways to do things. I think your way is also valid.
All these year! I have been doing it wrong. Thanks for the instructions and demo. I will sleep easier.
Remember to have citrus dreams..
With marshmallow skies.
A fellow Beatles fan!
🙂
Reblogged this on neeneeluvselowee and commented:
This is the best how to advice I have ever came across. I hate peeling oranges. I hate the muck it leaves on my fingers afterwards. Thank you Knocked Over By a Feather for posting your brilliant words on the subject. This a reblog that was just to tasty not to share.
Thank you for the reblog. It’s important to get information out. As Thomas Jefferson once said: “An informed citizenry is something or other.”
I’m with Ericka. I bite my citrus, not where anyone could see if I left a mark.
You give oranges hickeys??
Nope, I tear it right open. Not kidding.
You are awesome!!
Could you please follow up this informative post with one that shows how to put the peel back on an orange? I peeled one by mistake.
I would also like to know how to peel a grenade.
I will have to get back to you on that..working with some superglue..As for the grenade, that shit will kill you.
This is exactly what I was looking for! Please post a how-to “peal an onion without crying” next. Thank you!
Will see what I can do. You are welcome.
I have never in my life peeled an orange so this was very educational. I will attempt my first orange tomorrow.
(No but, I really have never peeled an orange. Who… am I?)
Plenty of people just use a knife and cut the thing in half, but where is the fun in that?
This blog has ridiculous insight. I mean, I’m over here trying to peel Cuties at my desk because “even fucking kids can do it” and I’m all like….”Really?”
That commercial is complete bullshit, my friend.
That’s what I f-ing thought. Thank god or I would have had to hire some kid off Craigslist to do it for me with their tiny capable hands.
They could make a shitload of money, until they turn 13.
TOTALLY obsolete by 13, agreed.