How to peel an orange

Merbear of Knocked Over By a Feather felt compelled to write about a serious topic that has been affecting many, many people: the struggle of citrus encapsulation, or SOCE.

Before Merbear submitted her informative post, I had been peeling my oranges with a banana peel because I thought that was its purpose. Now I know more and you can too!

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Step one: Check to see how long your nails are. If they are short and nubby, your going to need an extra five minutes, if not longer.

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Step 2: Squeeze the orange to check for thickness of the rind. Get a good feel for it. Rub it. Become one with it. Learn the language of citrus.

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Step 3: Gently place your thumb at the top of the orange. Press firmly, until you smell the delightful aroma of oranges permeate the air. Imagine yourself on a boat by a river…(This process can be used for tangerines as well!)

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Step 4: In a quick downward motion, rip the first small piece of orange peel off, and fling it to the side, like the bitch that it is.

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Step 5: Repeat

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Step 6: Repeat

Step 7: Repeat

Step 8: Re..fuck it, you get the idea.

Step 9: Behold your expertly peeled orange!

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  Step 10: Pick all that white shit off of there. Unless you like the white stuff. I don’t.

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Step 11: Section it, and enjoy!

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Do you want to write a post for The Official How To Blog? You don’t? What’s wrong with you. I really think you should reconsider. It’s so official and a tad how-tooey. 

The Official How To Blog is the one-true source for all information and fruit needs.

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79 thoughts on “How to peel an orange

  1. Reblogged this on Speaker7 and commented:
    Is this you?
    “I’m trying to peel this orange, and I just sliced my face open with a chainsaw!!?!”
    Well, slice your face open with a chainsaw while peeling an orange no longer!
    Merbear of the Knocked Over with a Feather Empire has a guest post up at The Most Official How to Blog that will teach you the skillz to peel the orange billz.

  2. Why do I need to imagine myself to be on a boat BY a river? I am having trouble imagining myself this some kind of a land-based boat. This must be why I find it so difficult to peel oranges and tangerines.

  3. Merbear,
    Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Banana, banana who? Knock knock, whos there? Orange, Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
    Le Clown

  4. Merbear, you should really do infomercials. First you have to come up with something besides fingers, some lame tool you can market. Like a stick. Then you pick up the orange and struggle with it, really toss it around, drop it on the floor, sigh dramatically. Start trying to peel it with a chainsaw, as speaker suggested. Finally – eureeka – pick up your stick and peel the orange. Genius! You will be a millionaire.

  5. These steps are perfect! Wellllll, almost perfect. I mean, I understand and will use all of them except for step 11. “Enjoy?” My step 11 would be. “Hand to the wife so she can enjoy.” Bleh, oranges, gross!

  6. Very informative post full of much pleasing information. If you will, I was confused by your instructions around #8, and I have a half peeled orange awaiting your clarification. It is actually a grapefruit.

  7. I guess I have been doing this wrong:

    1. Get invited to a Pampered Chef Party
    2. Eat chicken salad and cheese baked into Pillsbury crescent roll dough.
    3. Compete like a mad person to win the orange peeler out of the prize basket by playing “The Price is Right” with the PC stoneware.
    4. Buy a pizza cutter out of guilt.
    5. Wait a few months until you remember to buy oranges again, search for peeler, end up giving up and looking up next PC party near you. Repeat steps.

  8. Reblogged this on neeneeluvselowee and commented:
    This is the best how to advice I have ever came across. I hate peeling oranges. I hate the muck it leaves on my fingers afterwards. Thank you Knocked Over By a Feather for posting your brilliant words on the subject. This a reblog that was just to tasty not to share.

    • Thank you for the reblog. It’s important to get information out. As Thomas Jefferson once said: “An informed citizenry is something or other.”

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